The Decision

The Decision
ARIA

Anne's death hit me harder than I expected, but nothing hurts more than the fact that she died while trying to protect me from a lunatic. 

And that lunatic lived. 

Without Anne, things feel a lot bleaker. She was the driving force behind so many things. The Nocturns who were behind her are all lost. She's the one who brought them here, and now, she's gone. 

The front door opens and Ryder strides inside. We make eye contact and he pauses in the doorway. He's currently covered in dirt from head to toe because he's been busy with the many burials. The streets of Ironclaw are finally free from bodies, but who knows how long this will last?

He starts toward me and the heat of his body reassures me. In a gravelly voice, he asks me, "Feeling better?"

I nod just for the sake of it, but we both know the truth. Ryder has been taking it hard, too. 

He and Anne were close. 

"I'll jump in the shower and I'll be back, alright?"

"I'll go with you." 

The warm water cascades over both of us as we stand under the shower. My hands glide over his body, washing away the dirt. His muscles are all tense but he gradually relaxes. I keep my eyes on his chest because it kills me that every time I look at him, I know exactly what he's thinking. 

If Anne hadn't shown up on time, I would be dead. 

At this point, I've run out of arguments, too. Ironclaw has become the center of the world's hatred and anything could happen. I can't stand the thought of him getting hurt, either. How can I leave him when we promised that we'd do this together? 

Ryder comes to check on me every hour, and every time it happens, I have the feeling that he's dying on the inside, bit by bit. 

The feel of his hands on my body distracts me from my thoughts. He rubs the washcloth all over my body, saying nothing. Tears prick my eyes when he gets on one knee in front of me to run the cloth along my legs. These little things we do are what make all of this worthwhile. 

How can we lose this? What if something happens and we never see each other again?

There’s no denying that, together, we’re stronger. Leaving him means abandoning him to an unpredictable fate. We’re not exactly surrounded by friends. 

But can I stand watching him worry so much about me that he neglects himself? If I’m a constant concern for him, then I’m distracting him. 

I don’t want to leave him. Not at all. But if going to Moon Rose means he’ll be in a better state of mind, then I’ll do it. 

For him. 

Sacrifices have to be made. It can’t be just about what I want. 

“I’ll do it.”

Ryder pauses and looks up at me. I take a few deep breaths before nodding to myself. “I’ll do it. I’ll go to Moon Rose.”

He rises slowly, eyes never leaving my face. “Baby…I don’t want you to make a decision just because you think—”

“What I think is that you haven’t been at peace in a long time. You’re worried sick about me and I can’t stand it anymore. I have to do something. If Moon Rose is the solution, then so be it.”

His hand goes to my cheek. He has dirt smudged near his nose that I wipe away with my thumb. “I don’t want you to be mad about this. You’re not happy. Don’t even bother lying to me. I can feel it.”

“Of course, I’m not one hundred percent okay with this, Ryder. You know what I think about leaving you here with two men who hate your guts.”

He runs his other hand through my hair. “I’m not afraid of them. I’m waiting for the perfect opportunity to get rid of them.”

I sigh. “That’s what scares me.”

“What do you think about the whole thing? Your honest answer.”

I think about it for a few minutes just to confirm what I already know. I don’t want to go there, but I have to. There’s a sense of duty attached to the feeling and I have no idea where it’s coming from. “I have to go. There’s no way around it.”

He holds me close and the whole time, I’m fighting back tears. I’m going to have to start getting used to the fact that we’ll be separated for who knows how long.

“We’ll be alright,” he promises. “When this war is over, I’ll come and get you, and it’ll be like none of this ever happened.”

“Do you think it’ll take that long for us to see each other?”

“We’ll find a way,” he vows before pressing his lips against mine. “We’ll always find a way.”

“I guess so.”

Ryder pulls away and smooths my hair back. “I’ll send someone with you. Zach. What do you think?”

“Won’t he be needed here?”

“I have Finn and the other Nocturns. I don’t want you to be alone there. He’s someone I’ve come to trust and you need someone competent beside you. It’ll make me feel a lot easier.”

“Alright, then. I guess it’s settled.”

Ryder peers into my eyes intently and for a second, I have the feeling that he wants to say something to me.

He chooses not to say it, though. 

Everything is arranged for the trip and the closer we get to the due date, the more I worry. Despite the way I feel, I don’t turn back, though. I haven’t changed my mind. I’m just resigning myself to what’s going to happen and I’m making the most of every moment. 

I can’t stand going into the medical tent. Without Anne, it just feels empty. I’m really feeling her absence and it’s getting to me. There were many unresolved issues between us, but I didn’t hate her. 

And now, we won’t have a chance to mend things between us. 

Lizzie, on the other hand, is still alive, even though she’s still in a coma from how hard she hit her head. 

It’s unfair, but I have to try to forget this and focus on what life’s going to be like in Moon Rose, where the majority of our pack are staying.

I don’t know what to expect but maybe that’s for the best.