Chapter 18
*Zane*
Its been a long time since I’ve seen that symbol lit up on my wrist. But back when I used to go* upstairs* at Alexander’s, the interlocking A’s symbol was over the word, “Member.” I never intended on going back into Alexander’s world, and if it weren’t for the fact that I got caught up in finding Natalie a woman to fuck, I never would have returned. But I did it. I opened Pandora’s box. And now I’m here, and I’m realizing that it was more than dangerous to bring Natalie to Alexander’s. It was mixing fire and gasoline.
Natalie has stopped right in the isle, arms crossed in front of her body. People start to walk around us, glancing over at us.
“I went to school with him,” I say quietly, after a pause.
“Why wouldn’t you have told me *that?”* she asks, heatedly, her voice raising. My eyes dart to the crowd, noticing them noticing us arguing.
“...Can we sit back down?” I ask, taking her elbow and gesturing back to our seats. She nods, a small and sharp nod, and we step back into our row, sitting back in our black folding chairs as the crowd files out of the Gallery. I take both of Natalie’s hands inside of mine and look into her eyes.
I’ve been transparent about everything with Natalie...
*...except for Alexander’s…*
But, she was so innocent… She’d only had three partners before me. She was beautiful and smart, sexy and kind… She was my perfect match. How could I tell her about the tunnel I went down before I found her? That I’d lost count of the number of partners I’d had… She must have been sent by God to be my savior, because after I met her, I never looked back to Alexander’s.
“Alexander represents another life. Another me. I didn’t mention it to you because I’m not part of that life anymore...” I begin, terrified.
*What if she leaves me? Oh my God, what will I do?*
“What *other life?* You *brought* me to Alexander’s…” Her voice is tense.
“Natalie, please… Can we talk about this later?” I plead.
*I don’t know how to talk about this right now, here.*
“No, Zane! We can’t! I want to talk about it now. I didn’t know we did this. I didn’t know we kept secrets from each other… “ she shakes her head at me, looking into my eyes.
“Okay!.. No secrets.” I look deep into her eyes.
*What if I lose her? What should I tell her? How much?*
I take in a deep breath... and begin, “Alexander’s is more than a hotel and a club…”
She furrows her brow.
“Upstairs, it’s an exclusive Member’s Only club…”
“Okay?...” She says, shaking her head, shrugging a bit.
I look deeply into her eyes,
“A *sex* club…”
“What…” I can see her wheels turning.
“And I... was a member…” I tell her. I say my confession quietly, looking down at our hands, noticing our rings.
“What...” She asks, not completing her thought, this information sinking in.
I look back into her eyes, my words tumbling out fast, “This was before I met you. And I stopped going when I started dating you,” I say, squeezing her hands in mine. “I never, never went back after we got together… Not even once. And I don’t regret it.”
She sits thinking about what I’ve said, nodding her head a couple of times, as if she’s in a conversation with herself.
“So, you’ve *paid for sex.”* she states it as a fact.
“No. I paid to be *there.* The sex was always free. And consensual,” I say, looking down at our hands.
She sighs.
How do I explain to her? I need her to understand, what I have with her has filled a deep hole in me like no hot sex or perfect pussy I’d ever had at Alexander’s could. She is so much more than that world, she is the reason I’m not part of it.
“I was a different person then,” I say, “different things were important to me. I was hooked in by... the excitement, and you know, the…” I pause, thinking of the beautiful women there, and how they would dress in lingerie, or go topless, or wear nothing at all… I think about the back rooms and the hot sex I’d had there… and then I shake my head. I continue, “but once I found you, I didn’t even care about *any* of that anymore…”
*"Different things* were important to you…" she spits out bitterly, "Like, *now* you see that there’s more to life than *exciting sex* and *hot women,* and so *now* you can be with *me?”* she demands, her voice catching, and tears springing to her eyes. I can see her eyes darting around the room, I can *feel* her heading toward that black hole in her mind where nothing I say can convince her of anything.
“No!" I squeeze both of her hands in mine, holding them tightly, "I realized that that wasn’t what was important. *This* is,” I press our hands firmly into her lap, looking into her eyes, desperately trying to reach her, “Listen to me!” My voice surprises me, it sounds panicky, “I’ve never felt *anything like what we have…* and as soon as I met you I was *all in*, no looking back.” I pull her by her hands close in, and wrap my arms around her in a hug, my lips close to her ear, “I’ve never done the things I do with you with anyone else… *Anyone.* And it has *never* felt as good to be with anyone else… No one else fits me as perfect as you… I’m your man, forever. *I love you…”*
“Why didn’t you tell me?” She demands, pulling back. “Were you going to just let me be with Sophie, and be *here,* and hope I would *never find out?* Do you think I’m *stupid?”*
“No! I didn’t want you to look down on me…” I shake my head. “I was afraid you would think I wasn’t good enough for you if you knew… I’m sorry I never told you… I just… I didn’t in the beginning, and then I didn’t know how to bring it up later… There is never a good time to tell you something like that… You’re everything I’ve always wanted. I want a *family.* I want to be a good dad. I want *us.”*
“How many women have you had sex with?” She asks, point blank.
*Fair. I've dodged that one for years...*
“…Can we talk about that one later?...” I ask, a half-smile playing on my lips that I can’t hide. I think it’s embarrassment…
“I don’t even know if I *know* you!” Natalie says to me, and I feel like like she just punched me in the stomach, the smile knocked right off my face.
I notice the crew beginning to put chairs away and the ushers looking anxious as we continue to sit here.
“Can we go in?” I implore her with my eyes, “And… we can talk about this later. I’ll tell you anything you want…” and after a long pause she finally nods. We stand and I grip her hand in mine. She grips mine tightly in return, and we look into each other’s eyes for a moment before I step back into the isle, pulling her along with me.
We walk under the sweeping violet curtains and as we sweep around the corner the music intensifies and voices from the crowd mix in, excitement in the air. The beats pound into us, changing up and moving into new rhythms. We can see the stage from a distance, and it is lit up in red, fuchsia, and indigo now, and I notice that the performers, a rapper and a DJ, are the same guys we saw playing alongside the runway as the models walked tonight.
As soon as we approach the dance floor, Sophie appears.
“Hiiiii!” she exclaims, smiling a giant smile and throwing an arm into the air and wrapping it around Natalie’s neck. She has changed into a floor-length black silk dress with bright red, blue, and yellow butterflies. There is a deep V down to her black belt at her waist, and V going up her toned legs to her inner thigh… her dark wavy hair loose around her sculpted jaw.
“Hi…” Natalie says, and I can tell she is feigning enthusiasm. She returns her hug, and then Sophia steps back, noticing me.
“Zane! You’re here!” She exclaims, smiling widely, reaching out to hug me. I swallow, and smile as Sophie leans in and gives me a big hug, and I can feel her almost bare tits press against my chest, her back smooth and silky in my arms… she’s not wearing a bra… I look up at Natalie, and her brow is furrowed, a frown on her lips… I know she is worried, and I don’t want her to worry… I want to lift that pain right away from her…
Sophia steps back and looks at Natalie, taking her hand in hers.
“So, what’d you think of the show?” She asks, imploring her with her large sparkling brown eyes.
“It was beautiful… Ethereal…” Natalie says, a smile on her face that doesn't quite reach her eyes, and Sophia lights up.
“Come on, I’ll show you where Vanessa and Soraya are!” She exclaims, pulling Natalie into the crowd. Natalie looks back into my eyes with wide eyes and raised eyebrows, and reaches for my hand, grabbing it and pulling me with her into the crowd.