210. AS LONG AS YOU EXIST

210. AS LONG AS YOU EXIST
SELINE
Kade was apprehensive about the climb.
Honestly, if it weren't for anything else, I wouldn't even consider setting foot on this hill. I could already feel the nausea forming in my stomach, that familiar unpleasant swirl that had become a permanent part of my existence these days.
And it was cloudy. Very cloudy. The kind of sky that looked heavy.
The kind that felt like it was waiting. As though the universe somehow sensed where we were heading.
To a tortured child who burned an island to save her sister. To Celia.
"Maybe we should come another day," Kade suggested quietly.
We were both still sitting inside the car.
The road ended here. The rest of the journey had to be made on foot.
I looked through the windshield. The hill wasn't particularly steep.
But it wasn't easy either.
Especially not for a pregnant woman. Especially not for me.
I knew why he was worried. Not because of the climb. Because of what waited at the top.
I reached for his hand. "No."
His thumb brushed across my knuckles. "Seline."
"No." The word came out softer this time.
Because I understood.
I understood exactly what he was trying to do.
He wasn't protecting me from the hill.
He was protecting me from grief. From guilt. From memories.
But there was no protecting me from Celia.
Not today.
Not ever.
I opened the car door.
Cold air immediately rushed inside.
Rain hadn't started yet. But it was close.
Very close.
The kind of weather where the first drop could fall at any second.
Kade sighed. Then got out too.
The climb was slow.
Mostly because every five minutes, Kade asked if I was tired.
And every five minutes, I told him no.
And every five minutes, he clearly didn't believe me.
The higher we climbed, the stronger the wind became.
Tall grass swayed around us.
Then I saw it. A simple grave.
At the very top of the hill. Facing the horizon. Facing the other hills. Beyond them, the sea stretched.
My steps faltered.
For a moment, I couldn't move.
Couldn't breathe.
Couldn't think.
Because suddenly I wasn't looking at a grave anymore.
I was looking at a little girl.
A little girl who used to switch places with me.
A little girl I used to hate.
A little girl I blamed.
A little girl who carried bruises she never deserved.
A little girl who was terrified.
A little girl who spent her entire life trying to survive.
My chest tightened painfully.
"Kade."
My voice broke.
But my eyes never left the grave. The stone was simple. Exactly like her.
No grand monument. No unnecessary decorations.
Just her name.
And flowers.
They looked like they were kept there for two or three days before.
My eyes filled immediately.
"You come here."
It wasn't a question.
Kade remained silent.
Which answered everything.
Of course he did.
Of course, he came here.
Of course, he couldn't leave her alone.
Not after what she did.
Not after what she gave up.
A drop of rain landed on my cheek.
The storm finally arrived.
I laughed softly through my tears.
"She always liked dramatic exits."
The rain grew heavier.
Wind whipped through my hair.
But neither of us moved.
For a while, all I could hear was the rain.
The ocean.
My own breathing.
Then I slowly crouched in front of the grave.
Ignoring Kade's immediate look of concern.
My fingers brushed over Celia's name.
Cold stone.
Cold rain.
Cold wind.
"I used to hate you."
The words escaped before I could stop them.
Rain slid down my face.
Or maybe those were tears.
I wasn't sure anymore.
"I hated you when we were kids."
"Every time you switched places with me."
Another breath.
Another memory.
"I thought you were selfish."
The rain intensified.
"I thought you didn't care what happened to me."
My voice cracked completely.
"I was so angry. So stupid."
Beside me, Kade stayed silent.
"You were scared."
The realisation still hurt. Even now.
"You were just a kid."
A kid.
That's all she had ever been.
A child forced to make impossible choices.
A child trying desperately to survive.
A child is trying desperately to save me.
My hand rested over her name.
"I finally understand."
Thunder rolled somewhere in the distance.
The sky opened completely. Rain poured over us.
Neither of us moved. Because suddenly leaving felt wrong.
Like walking away from her again.
My shoulders started shaking.
From grief.
Years of grief.
Years of guilt.
Years of things left unsaid.
"I wish you had lived."
The confession shattered something inside me.
"I wish you had a chance."
My hand clenched.
"I wish you had a life."
The tears wouldn't stop.
"I wish it had been both of us."
A strong arm wrapped around my shoulders.
Kade.
Always Kade.
His warmth grounded me.
Held me together.
Kept me standing.
But even then, my eyes never left the grave.
Never left her.
Because for the first time in my life...
I wasn't mourning the sister I lost.
I was mourning the little girl she never got the chance to become.
My fingers tightened around the wet grass beside the grave.
Then they found a small pebble.
Nothing special.
Just a smooth little stone half-buried in the earth.
I picked it up.
Turned it over in my palm.
Looked at it.
Again.
And again.
Because suddenly I realised something that made my chest ache.
I had nothing, not even a photograph, a drawing, a single thing that belonged to Celia.
Not one object in this entire world had been hers.
The only proof that she existed lived inside memories.
I looked down at the pebble.
Then carefully closed my fingers around it.
As if I could somehow keep a part of her with me.
As if I could steal something from this place before I left.
Kade noticed immediately.
"I don't have anything of hers."
The words sounded stupid once they left my mouth.
Small.
Childish.
But they hurt anyway.
"I don't have anything that reminds me of her."
For a moment, Kade didn't answer.
I thought he would tell me to take the pebble. He crouched beside me.
The rain rolled down his scarred face.
His eyes moved from the pebble in my hand to Celia's grave.
Then, finally, to me.
And something inside his expression softened.
"Wildling."
My fingers tightened around the stone.
"I mean it."
"I know."
"No, you don't."
My voice broke.
"I don't have anything."
"Yes, you do."
I frowned.
His thumb brushed away a tear.
"You."
I blinked.
"What?"
"Seline."
My name sounded different when he said it.
Almost reverent.
Almost sacred.
"You are the thing that reminds the world of Celia."
The rain seemed to fade.
The wind.
The ocean.
Everything.
All I could hear was him.
"You are her twin."
My breath caught.
"You have her face."
His fingers gently tucked a wet strand of hair behind my ear.
"You have her smile."
My vision blurred.
"You have her eyes."
A tear slid down my cheek.
Then another.
Then another.
Kade didn't look away.
Didn't stop.
"As long as you exist, she exists."