20. Losing Control

20. Losing Control
Blood. So much blood and all I could do was stand there and peer down at the body of a lifeless man. I couldn't move. I felt trapped, and as Nicolo called my name frantically, it wasn't in me to respond. His face was calm, voice firm as he directed me. With one hand, he grabbed ahold of my face and moved my gaze to his.

"You need to look away."

Piercing dark eyes that in any other circumstance would have me submissive and doing as he pleased, but the shock within me was controlling me now. He could say whatever he wanted, hell, he could point that damn gun at my head and I still wouldn't be able to stop myself from looking at what I'd done.

"I can't. I-I'm sorry." My voice was flat. Lifeless like the body on the floor. I had killed him. Not Nicolo, the gangster who had fun killing people. Me. The pathetic girl who didn't care about the quality of her life as long as she was alive.

My hands shook. Gun held tight between my fingers, so tight I was sure they'd break, but as Nicolo's hand gentle slid over mine, and his fingers grazed mine, I felt my grip loosening.

"Let go of the gun, Selena," he instructed gently. His voice was mellow. Smooth now. An attempt to get me to calm down, but I was too wired. I tightened my grip again, and began to shudder. Slowly my eyes drifted back to Giovanni.

"Focus," Nicolo placed both his hands on the sides of my face, and pressed his forehead against mine. I could smell him. His familiar scent enveloped my senses, pulling into the soft words he spoke to calm me. "Selena, baby, I need you to focus on me. Okay? Focus on only me. It's just the two of us, alright?"

"Nicolo," I sobbed.

"Sh, Sh, Sh, don't worry. Just you and me, baby." The warmth from his face, seeped into my skin and melted the iceless deep within my chest that were causing me to hyperventilate. I melted into him, focusing on the movement of his mouth every time he softly uttered my name. For a moment, that's all the world was.

Him.

I hadn't noticed his hand back over mine, until the gun was already out of my grip. I had let go sometime during this, and he had placed it in the edge of his pants behind his back. Out of sight and out of mind.

"I'm so sorry, Nicolo. I-I'm so sorry. He came for me," I cried.

"I know. It's alright. I know." He muttered as he wrapped his arms around me. The hug was everything I needed. His warm arms surrounded me and gave me the serene feeling of home. That was where I wanted to be. But he didn't love me.

"Come on," He directed, pulling away and grabbing ahold of my hand, he guided me back to my room. "I want you to get some rest."

"I-I'm scared. Jay!" I yelled.

"What?"

"He's unconscious on my floor. He must've found your brother, and got beaten." I hurried.

Nicolo released my hand and jogged towards my bedroom.

"Fuck!" I heard him curse as I followed behind him. "Don't look."

"Is he okay?" I choked out, as Nicolo crossed the floor to him.

"He's breathing, but I need you not to look." Nicolo pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed something before pressing the phone to his ear.

"Oh my god. This is all my fault. This is all my fault!"

"Selena! Please! Just don't look." He snapped at me. I placed my hands over my face and listened carefully as he began to speak into his phone.

"Jay's hurt. Selena's room, now!"

"Can I help?" I asked, voice cracking as I held back my sobs. If there was any way I could help, I wanted to. This was my fault. If I hadn't stepped out of my place that day when I smacked Giovanni, I'm sure he never would've come for me and found Jay instead. Jay was only trying to protect me, and now he was about to pay the ultimate price. I wasn't worth his life.

"I need you to go into the bathroom, and take a shower. Get your mind off this. When you come out, it'll all be cleaned up. Okay?"

How was I supposed to ignore everything? I couldn't. No, I wouldn't! Jay needed me. How could I just abandon him. He was the only real friend I had here.

"If you defy me, you're just getting in the way. I can't help him if I have to worry about you too, do you understand?" Nicolo stated. He was right. As usual, but that still didn't take away my reluctance to head into the bathroom. I'd have to step over Jay just to get to the door, and the thought had me shaking uncontrollably.

The sound of my bedroom door being shoved open again, startled me. Two men hurried into the room, halting once they noticed Jay on the floor.

"Selena, you're going to have to now. I"ll be here when you get out, okay?"

"Okay," I whined, and took a deep breath, before crossing the floor and stepping over Jay. He didn't move like I expected him too. I didn't get to see that charming grin I was so used to seeing and with every passing moment, I fell deeper and deeper into the malicious abyss of my thoughts. Would he make it? Would he be okay?

I closed the door behind me, expecting that nightmare to shut completely out, but it lingered. The air in the bathroom was tinted with my despair, and as I dragged my clothes down my body, kicking them off into the corner, I felt worthless.

The hot water from the shower warmed the room once I turned the knob, and the steam settled on all the surfaces, including my skin but it couldn't warm my heart.

I couldn't stare at myself too long in the mirror without welling up with tears. I was disgusted at my inability to protect someone I cared about. Giovanni could've killed me. He should've killed me if it meant not putting Jay in harm's way. He was a good kid. Level headed, but loyal to his family.

I needed to get my mind off him, like Nicolo instructed. I should just focus on the shower. I try to lose myself in the monotonous rhytmn of the water hitting the floor; sink into the cool tiled floor, or absorb into the steam, but everything reminded me of the monstrosity that was taking place out there.

The rhythm of the water became the racing tempo of my heartbeat. The cool floor mirrored the blood freezing in my veins as I was overcome with dread. The steam only made my skin sticky and wet.

I took a deep breath, and stepped forward into the shower. The water was hot, momentarily causing me to wince, but I clenched my teeth and remained under the jet until it didn't feel so hot anymore. The soap remained idle, and I didn't reach down to use it. I didn't dare move. Not at this moment, as my anxiety began to melt down the drain with the water. It swirled around, falling off me easier and easier with every passing moment.