Chapter 19 Chapter 19
All of this is a giant pile of shit and it just makes me angry, because I've seen it too, that it's gotten harder and harder for Nicolai to keep up his mask of the good boy and not break his promise to Selena. Nicolai would have been back by my side soon, and if it weren't for the fact that we're cousins, I definitely would have had him all to myself just like I've always wanted. I just can't sit here any longer and listen to all this while I can only think about what Alessandro is probably doing to my Nicolai right now. I can't take it anymore, I have to get back to the gym. I leave Rafaele alone on the couch in his office and turn to the punching bag in the home studio, the last room where I was here with Nicolai. And as I beat my hands bloody on the bag, I can only think about whether Alessandro would go so far as to fuck him or if he's venting his frustration by using him as a punching ball. Is that asshole even gay, or bi? Or does he hate that he had to marry a man and will take it out on Nicolai? Fuck, I don't like any of these options.
Nicolai's Perspective
I was sitting on the windowsill, legs pulled up to my chest and holding them as close as possible with my arms, the sun was already high. I used to love summer days like today, but since Selena's death, I've just been... empty. I feel the heat of the sun that I've always enjoyed on my skin, but it doesn't really reach me, I can smell the scent of the flowers from the garden through the open window, but that doesn't reach me either. My thoughts keep drifting to the same thoughts: Selena lying lifeless on the stretcher in the pathology lab at the hospital, how I'm forced to marry this monster of a husband, and how much my body betrayed me this morning. I hate all of it, I hate my father because he agreed to this deal with Viktor De Luca five years ago and wanted to pimp out my sister to him, and for what? For power? For more territory? Such bullshit, he could have gotten that in other ways, he didn't have to trade my other half to a monster for it. I hate him because he agreed that I take her place when she died. I hate Alessandro and his father because I blame them for Selena's death, she wouldn't have run away if she hadn't been promised to that jerk. Without the looming wedding, she wouldn't have needed one last night of freedom, and she wouldn't have died. Damn, I'm even hating my angel, my little twin sister right now, because Selena left me here alone. But most of all, I hate myself because I couldn't protect her, because I couldn't give her the safety she needed. I hate myself because my body reacts to Alessandro in a way it shouldn't, and I hate myself because every goddamn thought that comes to me to deal with all this would mean breaking my promise to Selena. A noise at the door ripped me out of the flood of my thoughts, and without knocking, my room door opens and Antonio stands in the middle of the room grinning at me. "Hey little one! You weren't at lunch, and you weren't there for breakfast this morning either, I don't remember seeing you eat anything after the wedding! Have you even eaten since..." I snort annoyed. "Since my sister's death? Don't know, I don't think so! But what do you care? And honestly, guys like you and Alessandro, have you ever heard of manners? How about knocking next time?!" Antonio stops, leans casually against the doorframe and raises an eyebrow. "Manners? I work for De Luca, little one. That word isn't in our dictionary." He lets his gaze wander over me once, as if checking exactly how far I've fallen. "But you look like you're about to keel over from the chair. So yeah – I care if you've eaten. Because I'm the idiot who has to catch you if you don't." I sit up halfway and glare at him. "Must be a shitty job." "You have no idea." He grins, but this time there's no mockery in it, more like this annoyed, world-weary smile of a man who's had to spend too many days with people like me. "Why are you here, Antonio? Alessandro surely didn't miss me." "He doesn't miss anyone," he says dryly. "But he wants you alive. That's enough to send me." I laugh quietly. "Wants me alive? So he can keep using me?"
"So he can understand you," Antonio counters calmly, "and maybe someday you'll understand too how deep this shit really goes." I frown. "What do you mean by that?" He sighs, pulls his hands out of his pockets and takes a few steps toward me. "You only see in Alessandro what everyone sees: the bastard, the heir, the monster. But he wasn't the one who drew up the contract. And he wasn't the one who sold you here either." "I know who it was!" I hiss. "My father!" "Wrong." Antonio stops right in front of me, his gaze serious. "It was Viktor. And your father signed because Viktor left him no choice. Your father didn't sell you, he... traded you. For peace. For time." The ground slips out from under me, and for a moment I forget to breathe. "Time... for what?" "To keep Nicolai Petrovich alive," says Antonio quietly. "Because Viktor had only one condition: either you marry Alessandro instead of your sister, or he wipes out your whole family." I stare at him, unable to say anything. Thoughts race through my head, but nothing makes sense. "You're lying," I whisper finally. "I would," says Antonio, "if it would help!" He turns around, goes to the door, stops with his hand on the handle. "And one more thing, Nicolai. If you want to know if he hates you, no! But don't think that's better." The door closes, and the room is quiet again. Only my heart pounds wildly, and somewhere between all the rage, the pain, and the burning doubt, I wonder for the first time if I'm hating the wrong monsters.