{ Chapter 9 } : Bitter Memories "It will all be okay." Joey hushed those five words for what seemed like the hundredth time tonight. I still didn't believe him. I took a shuddering inhale and my boyfriend noticed, his mouth turning down in a frown. Then his jaw rocked from side to side, and I knew he was irritated with me. I clutched my stomach, fisting the material of my shirt. "Joey, I'm not sure..." "Anna," he groaned, tossing his head back. Exasperated. He was exasperated. Reaching for his discarded shirt, he went to dress before I stopped him. Guilt flared inside me. "Will you ever be sure? Jesus." "I-I just don't think it's the right time." I blushed furiously, clenching my hands before I put my short denim skirt back on. "It doesn't feel right." I never made love to anyone. Ever. There was suppose to be intimacy and Joey and I had intimacy, but just not now. I didn't feel it. I couldn't do this. Joey's eyes narrowed then ran along the length of my body. I wasn't fully naked but under his perusing gaze, I felt like it. Every nerve ending in my body was on fire. My toes were curled. Joey Donald had that kind of effect on me. "There will never be a right time, Anna," he stated flatly. His dark eyes were unreadable as they bore into mine and I hated that. Hated the feeling like I owed him one after tonight. "Do you love me?" My breath escaped in a rush and that guilt tripled tenfold. He knew I loved him. But I just wasn't ready for this. I was sick to my stomach after running away, and my father's face replayed in my mind over and over and over again... "Yes. Yes, I love you." We looked at each other for another beat before Joey gave an angry sound and started getting up from his dishevelled bed. I panicked as I watched him fix his mussed hair - hair I'd mussed with my roaming fingers. I was sprawled on his bed beside him in nothing but my t-shirt, bra and thong - courtesy of Joey. He'd brought me here after my quarrel with my dad. He'd brought me to his room and we made-out like usual and things got heated. Just a little too heated. We were two pieces of clothing away from crossing the line. "Forget it, Anna," he growled and I tried to stop him again, while still trying to fix my naked appearance. "I'm beginning to sound like a broken record." "But I do love you. I love you so much." I was desperate now. Almost begging. He couldn't leave me now. I needed him by my side tonight. I was hurting. He was suppose to take care of me. "Prove it," he said suddenly. "Prove to me that you love me." Warning bells went off in my head but I ignored everything. Everything but the boy with the dark hair and even darker scowl before me. I loved this boy. My daddy's booming voice rang loudly in my ears along with the sound of blood rushing, but I dismissed that, too. Defeated, I lay back. Convincing myself that this is what I wanted, needed. My blonde waves fanned over Joey's pillow. His smile turned pleasing and his shoulders relaxed. No longer was he angry with me. A bit of satisfaction swirled within me. I was pleased, too. I shut my eyes as I let him removed my underwear. I love him. I love him so much. I squeezed my eyes. Joey closed the lights for my sake and kissed me. But I still felt sick. A nagging sensation tried to pull me away from this moment. I could do this. I could do it. The guilt was slowly easing away with every piece of clothing. Joey fingered me and I let him. Because I love him. This will make him happy. I didn't like it. It hurt a little. I was uncomfortable. He whispered hotly in my ear as he moved his fingers in and out of me. I didn't like it. He'd done this to me once before. I didn't like it. I clung to his broad shoulders like an anchor. I tried to concentrate on his strong scent, his husky voice and slow touch. He told me I was tight. So tight. I blushed. Joey grinned devilishly. And then there was no more clothing separating us. I'm not ready. I can't do this. My stomach flipped and dropped. I don't want to do this. I shouldn't have to if I don't want to. I had tears in my eyes but I tried to hide them. I didn't want to cry. Joey hated girls who cried for nothing. I wouldn't cry for nothing. This is nothing, Anna. This is nothing. You love him. "I love you," I whispered to him. But he didn't say it back. This is nothing. "It will be okay." This is nothing. I thought he'd enter slowly. No. He pinned my hands - even though I wanted to touch him- and roughly thrust once. My cheeks were tear-stained and I tasted the saltiness in my mouth. I'd never felt so much pain. Burning pain. It hurt. He was hurting me. He wasn't supposed to hurt me. While he kissed me softly, he didn't love me slowly. No. He f*ucked me. F*ucked me hard and carelessly like I was just someone - someone who wasn't his girlfriend. This is nothing, Anna. Nothing. Joey said it would be okay. He lied. It wasn't okay. It was painful. So, so painful. It was a reminder that I wasn't ready - physically or emotionally. Two thrusts into the act and I already knew this was my biggest regret ever. It was everything. Daddy died soon after. * * * I woke up sweating and panting, my sheets twisted around my ankles. I screamed before I knew what was happening. When my darkened surroundings finally registered as familiar, I stopped. Tears leaked from the corners of my eyes and I wiped them with the back of my hand, pulling myself together.