I just want you to be with me

I just want you to be with me

Diana

When my mother left, I sat in the car for a while, still, breathing deeply. The test was still in my bag, safely tucked away, as if I were afraid it would disappear. Afraid of waking up and discovering that it was all just a crazy dream in my head.

But it wasn't.

I was pregnant.

And now I needed to tell Ethan.

The problem was that the more I thought about it, the more my stomach churned. Not because I thought he wouldn't like it. But because… last time, everything ended so cruelly, so traumatically, so heavily, that I knew part of Ethan still carried that guilt that wasn't his, but that he insisted on holding onto.

Even so, I couldn't hide it from him.

He needed to know.

It was our child.

When I got home, it seemed like the walls were quieter than usual. I took off my coat, put my bag on the sofa, but my hands were shaking so much that I dropped my keys on the floor.

Breathe, Diana.

For God's sake, breathe.

I went straight to the bedroom, took a quick shower, put on comfortable clothes, and paced back and forth like a headless chicken. I rehearsed in my head:

“Ethan, I'm pregnant.”

“Honey, we're going to have a child.”

“Remember what we always wanted? So…”

Nothing sounded right. Everything seemed silly, weak, wrong.

When I heard the front door open, my heart almost jumped out of my chest.

— Diana? — he called. — I'm home.

My mouth went dry. I forced myself to go to the living room, my legs stiff, like when you walk on soft sand.

He was taking off his tie, tired, but when he saw me, he smiled that way that always melted me.

— Hi, my love.

I couldn't smile back.

And he noticed. Instantly.

— What happened? — he came towards me, worried.

I took a deep breath, felt the air scratch my throat.

— Ethan… I need to tell you something.

He stopped in front of me. His eyes were attentive, serious, waiting for the blow.

And I broke down.

— I'm pregnant.

I spoke quickly, unable to control myself. The word came out somewhat shaky, but it came out.

He looked at me for a time that seemed like an eternity. He didn't say anything. He didn't smile. He didn't hug me. Nothing.

He just… froze.

My heart tightened so much that I felt dizzy.

— Pregnant… — he repeated, softly, almost as if trying to understand. — Are you sure?

That hurt.

I felt like someone had punched me in the chest.

“I took two tests. One from the pharmacy and one blood test,” I replied, trying not to sound hurt. “Yes, I’m sure.”

He ran a hand through his hair, took two steps back, breathing deeply, his face completely tense.

“My God…” he said. “Diana, why didn’t you tell me before? Why didn’t you wait until I was with you to take these tests?”

I felt my chest burn.

“Because I was scared, Ethan!” my tone came out louder than I intended. “I needed to be sure. I needed to know before I told you anything. I didn’t want to give you hope and then…”

My voice faltered, because the memory hit too hard.

He closed his eyes, as if it had affected him too.

“I just…” he swallowed hard. “Diana, you know I love you. You know I want to have a child with you. But… you remember what happened. You remember what we went through. You almost died, Diana. I almost lost you.” And now… this… — he pointed at me, not even knowing what to call it. — This scares me.

I felt a tear running down my cheek.

I understood. I truly understood.

But it hurt.

It hurt like someone had ripped a hole in my chest.

— I'm scared too — I said, my voice low. — But this isn't the baby's fault. It's not my fault. It's not your fault. It was Meredith's fault. Not ours.

He was silent. He sat on the sofa, elbows resting on his knees, head down. It felt like the whole world was crushing him.

— I don't want to lose you again — he said very softly. — I don't know if I can go through that again.

My heart broke into a thousand pieces.

I slowly approached, sat beside him, and took his hand.

— Ethan… look at me.

He lifted his face. His eyes were red, filled with fear.

"I'm here. I'm alive. I'm okay. We're safe. She died, remember? It's over." My voice trembled, but I tried to be firm. "This baby is a gift. Not a warning of tragedy."

He took a deep breath, trying to process it.

"I should be happy," he admitted. "But I'm… terrified."

I gently stroked his face.

"It's okay to be scared. I'm scared too. But we'll get through this together. If you want, I can go to the doctor every day. I can get all the tests in the world. I just… I just want you to be with me."

He held my hand tightly. His eyes began to soften, fear turning to emotion.

"I'm with you," he whispered. "I always have been. I always will be. Just give me a few minutes to…"

I kept breathing.

I rested my forehead against his.

"Breathe with me, then."

We stayed like that, both quiet, just feeling each other's presence, trying to calm our hearts.

He pulled me into a strong, tight hug, as if trying to protect me from the whole universe.

"I'll protect you," he whispered in my ear. "You and our child. I promise."

My chest filled with a strange peace, a good warmth.

I knew it wouldn't be easy.

Not for me.

Not for him.

But for the first time since I found out I was pregnant, I felt we were going to make it.

Together.

Even with fear.

Even with a broken past.

Even with everything.

It was the beginning of something new.

Something of ours.

And I was ready.

Even trembling.

Even scared.

I was ready.