Chapter 64 64. Everything Feels Poisoned
She stared at me, and I saw everything cross her face in waves. Fear mixed with longing. Anger tangled with something that looked dangerously close to love. Her eyes didn't leave mine as I walked toward the tub.
"Lucien..." My name cracked on her lips.
I stepped into the water, feeling it rise around us both. The tub was large enough for two, the warmth enveloping us without any soap or bubbles yet. I positioned myself over her, bracing my hands on both sides of her so I wouldn't crush her.
My palm slid to the back of her neck, cradling it so the way I should have supported her from the beginning.
"Fiera..." I lowered my forehead to hers. Both our eyes closed. Our breaths mingled in the small space between us. Our noses brushed once, twice, back and forth in that way that felt more intimate than any kiss we'd shared.
Her hands came up tentatively, touching my chest. She felt my heart hammering. She pressed her face into my throat, nuzzling there the way she used to when she wanted silence and only trusted mine. My pulse jumped when her lips grazed my skin.
"Why?" The single word choked out of her.
I opened my eyes and looked down at her. Tears spilled over, running down her cheeks. I swept them away with my thumb.
"Because I was terrified." There was nothing to hide anymore. "When I found out you were working for someone, that you'd been planted in my life, every instinct said to destroy you. Expose whoever sent you. Burn it all down."
More tears fell. I caught those too.
"But somewhere between your lies and mine, something real happened." My fingers tightened slightly on her neck. "So I made a choice that I've regretted every day since. Keep you close by any means necessary. Force your employer to show themselves."
"By shooting me."
"By arranging for you to be shot in a way that would keep you under my protection." I pressed my forehead harder against hers. "It was cold. It was wrong. The exact kind of ruthless move I've built everything on."
"It hurt."
Those two words gutted me.
"I know." My breath shuddered. "Watching you in pain... knowing I caused it... seeing the fear in your eyes every time the wound pulled... It breached the defensive wall in me I thought was impenetrable."
She opened her eyes and I found myself drowning in them.
"I'm not making excuses. There's no version of this where what I did was right." My thumb traced her cheekbone. "But you need to understand that by the time I realized how wrong it was, I was already too far gone for you."
"You should have told me. After. When things changed."
"I know. I was terrified that if you knew, you'd leave. That you'd look at me exactly the way you're looking at me now."
"How am I looking at you?"
"Like you're trying to decide if you can ever trust me again."
Fresh tears spilled because I was right.
"I want to trust you..." Her lower lip began to quiver. "I want to believe this is real, but everything feels poisoned now. Every memory makes me wonder if you were acting."
"I was. At first." The honesty tasted bitter. "Every touch, every word was part of a plan to keep you close and break down your defenses. But I'm honest when I say it stopped being an act.
I can't even tell you when."
My hand slid from her neck to cup her face.
"All I know is that by the time I realized I'd stopped pretending, I was already destroyed for anyone else. You became the thing I'd lose everything for. The one person who made me want to be something other than ruthless."
"I don't feel strong enough for this," she confessed. "My mother died hating me. You shot me. I was kidnapped. I'm falling apart and I don't know how to stop."
"Then fall." My voice came out as a gravelly whisper. "I'll catch you. I can't take back the bullet or the lies, but I can be here while you break. I can hold the pieces until you're ready to put them back together. I can love you through the wreckage if you'll let me."
Love.
The declaration was heavy but true. It resonated deep in my chest, a low yet powerful chime.
"Love?" Her eyes widened. "You love me?"
"Completely. In a way that makes me understand why men burn down empires for the right woman." I held her gaze. "I love you enough to walk away if that's what you need. But god, Camila, I'm praying you'll let me stay."
Her hands slid up my chest to my shoulders. "I'm trying to trust you again. It's going to take time."
"I have nothing but time for you."
"I'm going to be angry sometimes. About the shooting. About the lies."
"I can handle your anger."
"I might push you away when things get hard."
"I'll just pull you back."
A sound escaped her that was half sob, half laugh. "You're impossibly arrogant."
"Only about you." My thumb traced her bottom lip. "Everything else in my life, I can be rational. In control. But with you, I lose every wall I've built. You make me reckless and desperate and willing to kneel in front of Mama Cortez to beg for one more chance."
"You didn't."
"I absolutely did. She called me a stupid boy and threatened to make me answer to her if I hurt you again."
Despite everything, a smile tugged at her lips. "I would have paid to see that."
"There'll be other opportunities. She's terrifying." My expression softened. "But right now, I need to know. Can you forgive me? Not today, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually?"
She looked at me for a long moment, and I saw the war happening behind her eyes.
"I can try." The words felt like both defeat and victory. "But things have to be different. No more secrets. You have to keep the promise you made."
"No more secrets." I agreed without hesitation. "You're not a deal to close, fiera. You're the woman who made me want to be better than what I was raised to be."
She pulled me down until our lips were barely separated. "Then prove it."
I kissed her gently, asking permission with every movement. Then it deepened, became desperate and urgent. My hand tightened on her neck, pulling her closer. Her arms wrapped around me, holding on like I was the only thing keeping her anchored.
We pulled back, both of us breathing hard, and she kept her eyes closed. One hand stayed behind my neck. The other pressed against my chest, feeling my racing heart.
I stared down at her, memorizing this moment.
"There's something else." She whispered. "What you were trying to find out."
My body went still. "Camila-"
"My employer. The one who sent me to spy on you." She opened her eyes and looked up at me.
"It's Ronan."