Chapter 14
Sylvana watches me over the rim of her coffee mug as I eat breakfast. Jake is due back today and I’m starting to get serious withdrawals over his absence. The only good thing about him being gone for three whole days is that I seem to have built a bond with Sylvana: a lot of time together this past couple of days while chatting about everything and nothing. I’m more comfortable in this women’s presence than I ever was in my own mother’s. She has a gentle way about her that makes you relax and never judges you at all.
“You look so much better today, miele. So much more color in your face than the day you arrived with Jake.” She regards me with an affectionate warmth in her eye.
“I don’t feel as bad. The nausea is getting better and I’m not so tired and emotional anymore. I think my body is settling with the hormones.” I drink my own cup of cocoa and nestle my feet under myself on the couch beside her.
“It’s that Carrero blood, Jake especially, was a trying pregnancy. I was so up and down in the beginning and so very tired. It could be a sign you’re carrying another hot tempered, Italiano …” She smiles, placing a hand on my knee for a moment and squeezing gently, “…a mini hurricane.” The sheer pride in her statement has me smiling too. I can imagine Jake must’ve been a handful as a child. He’s a handful as an adult and that’s with maturing. I can’t imagine what his offspring are going to be like.
“Sometimes it doesn’t seem real and then other times it’s so real I find myself panicking.” I sigh and realize at this moment it’s heading toward the latter. I’m a little breathless at the thought of a junior Jake giving me a good run around as a mother.
“You’ll be fine. Jake will be a doting father as much as he will be a doting husband. You’re lucky to have such a strong relationship to work with; a strong man who isn’t afraid to show the world he loves you.” She smiles my way dreamily, a twinkle in her eye at the obvious adoration of her child.
We’re sitting in the cozy lounge, the one reserved for family, and have a cheesy romance movie on the big screen. She had the breakfast served in here this morning, bagels, and cream cheese, and we’re both sat in our fluffy robes curled up in the warmth of the quiet cozy room.
“Yes, he does. I didn’t think I would ever be here. There was a time I really believed Jake never saw anything other than a friend.” I sigh at the memory; it seems like light years ago that I was that closed-off version of myself getting Jake’s inner thoughts so very wrong.
“Jake always was a little lost when it came to his feelings and verbalizing them. He had a bad time with that Marissa, and it caused him to be a little overprotective of his heart. He had no defenses for you though. I still remember him coming to me so broken-hearted because he sent you away from his office, thinking he could never live up to what he thought you wanted him to be or ever had a chance at gaining your love.” For a moment, she’s so pained that I get tearful. The thought of Jake so hurt brings tears to my eyes and a deep ache to my heart.
“Please don’t. I can’t bear to think of Jake that way, knowing we were both hurting and both too stupid to just be honest with each other. If we’d been honest after we did get together then the mess with Marissa would’ve never happened.” I sigh, laying my cup down on the low table in front of us.
“Honesty is very important … as is communication, and still cherishing one another even after the first throws of passion and excitement have died.” Sylvana focuses on me very seriously. “I know from first-hand experience that marriages can stray if you don’t keep a focus on what you mean to one another and if you stop telling each other how you really feel.” She pats me again and I get the impression she’s talking about Giovanni’s affair.
I have no idea what to say, or ask, or even let on that I know what she’s talking about. It’s too forward to say a word so I say nothing at all. Sylvana doesn’t seem to notice my awkward silence, more intent on carrying on. “Giovanni had an affair with a woman I’d thought my friend.” She states rather factually. No flicker of emotion at all which completely surprises me. “We grew apart, no time for one another anymore and sadly we’d forgotten to still love and cherish one another. He found solace in another’s arms.” She sighs at the memory.
“Oh, Sylvana, I don’t know if I could ever forgive Jake for more than a kiss, I can’t imagine.” The tears start brimming in my eyes as I try not to think of the pain she must’ve endured. How much that would destroy me if I had been in her shoes, a kiss was hard enough to forgive.
“In a way, it saved our marriage. We’d grown so distant with one another and this brought emotion and pain to the surface. I realized by the depth of my heartbreak that I still loved him and by seeing me so heartbroken he realized he still loved me. The guilt pained him so much that it brought us back together, eventually, and now we’re stronger than we ever were. The same will be said of you and Jake over this nonsense with that girl.” She seems completely un-phased by this revelation about her marriage, yet I’m so gob smacked that she could’ve ever forgive something so utterly destructive. The thought of her husband having full-on sex with someone else doesn’t even seem to flicker across her face.
“What happened with her? The other woman?” I sigh at the thought of an affair, heart wrenched for this woman I adore so very much.
“I’m sure Jake told you that it was Daniel’s mother? I know Jake tells you everything, miele. It’s okay. Unfortunately, his relationship with his father is very strained because of it and I know Jake believes that Giovanni had more affairs, but I know the truth. Giovanni cut that woman from his life and has never had another dealing with her.” Her expression holds only conviction and I really believe her.
I nod rather than deny the fact, sure in the idea that she won’t really be upset about my having prior knowledge. I nod to show I’m listening because I don’t really have any actual words to say; nod to agree that Jake really does believe his father is some sort of womanizing man-whore and still despises him for it … Ironically. Whatever she took my nod to mean I hope I covered all bases.
“Jake was already becoming more than a handful. He’d gone off the rails, with that hot blood and impulsive nature of his meeting teen hormones and then a broken heart, and Giovanni was having a very difficult time reeling him in. Jacob has always been a very big handful to deal with.” She smiles affectionately for a second, crinkling her nose with a sigh. “He had a chip on his shoulder about trust and love, so finding out his father hurt me that way sort of sealed his fate. Jake has never trusted him since and he’s so very stubborn, like his father, that he wouldn’t listen to reason.” Sylvana looks so sad and broken over the fact her son and husband are still at odds over something she herself has long forgiven.
“Maybe if he knew the finer details of the affair and knew for sure his father never did it again … or even why he did?” I offer, trying to find a way to help. Really wanting my beloved to find a way to mend bridges with his dad.
“I’ve told Jake all of this. He even knows that the women in his father’s employment are blonde and blue-eyed because I made him promise never to have another woman who resembled me close to him again. Marianne Hunter was almost like a sister in looks. Daniel takes after his father with his fair hair and blue eyes while his mother and I were almost like twins. Giovanni has a very specific type of woman he finds attractive.” Sylvana pats my knee almost to emphasize the point with a hint of a smile.
This piece of information stuns me. I, myself, once took note of the sea of small blondes that Giovanni kept as his own personal staff and just assumed, he had a type. It never occurred to me that respect for his wife had prompted him to never employ any small brunettes with green eyes and Italian beauty like his wife. In his own way, Giovanni was showing his love for her and Jake completely misunderstood it or chose to ignore it.
Stubborn ass of mine!
Jake is such a publicly attentive and demonstrative person that his father’s seemingly emotionless attitude must be completely abhorrent to him. Chalk and cheese with apparently absolutely no understanding of one another in the slightest.
“But you found a way through it? You learned to love him again? Surely in time Jake can also forgive him?” I’m now so completely in awe at the inner working of Giovanni and how his head must actually work. The man is a total enigma.
“Yes, we’re so very much in love.” Sylvana smiles dreamily, looking very much like me in that moment. A woman devoted and completely in love with a hard-headed Carrero. “He comes home every night regardless of the time it takes to get here. We made a promise to never drift apart again. I know he’s not an easy man on the surface, but our private moments are so very much filled with affection and love and a lot of sex.” She grins again naughtily and winks my way, part of me laughs and another wants to cringe at the very thought.
“I can only hope that one day Jake finds a way to have some sort of relationship with him; where they are now is very heart-breaking.” Sylvana positively glows as she talks of her newfound relationship with her husband, but the obvious pain about her child’s connection with him is very evident in her tear-filled eyes, it renders me speechless. A mother’s love torn with that of a wife’s heart.
Jake has no clue to the depths of care that still exist between his parents. I guess he probably avoided any sort of communication on the matter, purely because that stubborn mind of his decided his father was a villain no matter what and he would be damned to believe otherwise. If only Jake knew of the love that still runs between them and that his father still cherishes and respects Sylvana, above all others. Giovanni obviously has the same capabilities of love Jake has, that same deep heart but they just display it so very differently.
I sigh hopelessly and gaze at Sylvana affectionately.
“Maybe becoming a father will make Jake re-evaluate things with Giovanni.” I smile with a small offering of hope.
“Maybe.” Sylvana smiles back with a twinkle in her eye and a tiny little glint of possibility, knowing deep down it is highly unlikely.
* * *
“Like this, Tesoro.” Sylvana’s soothing voice is close to my ear as she molds my hands in the bowl of dough. “Gentle and delicate so the Gnocchi stays fluffy.” She smiles and pulls away as I continue the motion she’s shown me. I have a strange surge of emotion at her tender touch and the way she brushed my hair from my face with a smile. My affection for Sylvana is unlike the affection I have for Margo or even Wilma, there is something more, something deeper. I feel like I can come to her with anything, even cry over Jake, and she would embrace me with those loving, deep green, eyes with maternal security and just love me no matter what. I know she would never pick sides between us in our silly arguments and when he hurt me, she had been just so angry with him on my behalf.
Sophie is making a mess on the large table with a lot of flour and a lot of hand flapping and energetic slapping sounds but smiling widely as Sylvana moves to calm the frantic pounding of her small delicate hands in her own heavy bowl. Sylvana’s guiding touch is not rejected by the young girl either and I smile to myself.
It’s incredible knowing that her touch, so effortlessly, seems to be able to break through the force-fields that Sophie and I have; two kindred souls who used to recoil at human contact in any form and yet here we both were.
Leila is leaning over watching Sylvana, working through a bowl of shelled nuts, with a magazine in one hand lazing in the kitchen after showing up for lunch. It’s obvious she’s bored, mulling over something, and she hasn’t been her chatting sparkling self but neither does she seem upset. Leila is one of those people who lets you know when she wants to talk and is very good at saying nothing at all if she doesn’t. She just seems happy to watch us learn to cook Italian food and revel in the atmosphere.
It’s all so very relaxed and I cast my mind to where I would be right now if Jake and I had never embraced what we were to each other … probably decked out in tight tailored clothing and a set of stilettos on the sixty-fifth no doubt; stressed over contract briefs or mundane issues with financing and listening to Jake going off like a boar on the phone to some incompetent person. The thought doesn’t bring me any sense of regret or loss at all. I don’t even feel a spark of missing the offices, just the people, which is odd. For the first five years, I worked there I made no long-term bonds with anyone in that building, until Jake. He somehow infected me from the word go and changed my entire outlook on the people I worked beside.
“I think you’re maybe killing it, Sophie, dear.” Sylvana chides gently, bringing my thoughts back to the present, and I can’t help but watch with adoration as the two of them stand side by side bringing the bowl of mess to order. There’s something so complete about the whole scene at this very moment, watching someone who is truly maternal, working with a child she treats as her own, giving healing to a girl who needs it with such a simple domestic task. Simply giving her time and patient attention in safety, trusting that no one will hurt her here or would let anyone else for that matter and as I watch the same love in Leila’s eyes. I see now that maybe Sylvana did that for Leila too.
I know Leila came through the same channels as Sophie did as a child. Sylvana’s charity is completely embroiled in taking children in from abusive pasts and I realize, in this kitchen I am among kindred spirits and I never really thought about it before. I’m not the only one with scars and memories that haunt my dreams sometimes. I’m in the fold of two other beautiful young women who have their own demons and came out the other side happier and hopeful because they let people in again and learned to trust. They both sit here now, mere reflections of who they once were, smiles and genuine laughter in the knowledge they found a better, safer loving place. I’m the outcast I used to be, I’m one of them.
The warmth of the kitchen and the peaceful serene atmosphere. This is what I need. This is what I’ve missed out on my entire life; a mother, a real loving maternal mother who cared enough to show her children how to heal, cook, how to improve themselves and it doesn’t matter that she isn’t related by blood. She changed the lives of at least two of us in some way and her son has done the same for me.
I’m happy here with her and with him because I needed this somehow, in my life. I needed that kind of nurturing love and guidance, to show me how to be nurturing and kind to myself, so I could become whole again. Learning how to let others have a little piece of my heart. Jake found that little scared Emma, locked down tight in the corner of that terrifying dark room, and he slid his arms around her softly, told her it was okay to trust him, to let him save her from the dark recesses of her life and lead her out to the light. To let him protect her and he did, still does and always will; in a way that I know he learned from her … Sylvana, the woman who without realizing it, nurtured the man of my dreams into a replica of herself.
I watch, with a tear in my eye, the smiling happy faces in front of me, absorbed in such a simple task, aglow with life and genuine contentment. Emotion coursing through me for this family, even if we’re not all related by blood, that’s what we are. Jake isn’t just giving me a family by loving me and having a child. He’s sharing his entire family with me, showing me I’m so effortlessly accepted. They are all my family too.
My heart expands achingly at the thought. This kind of unconditional love that so many take for granted, and here it is, a gift being given to me so selflessly. They have no idea what it means.
I want this kind of purpose. This kind of touch on the world. I want to find others like me instead of hiding from life and locking myself away, take them by the hand and draw them to the light, show them their world doesn’t need to be so cold and alone. I want to make Jake proud and do to others what he’s done for me. He gave me courage and hope. He taught me to look at the person I have become and not the person I was cowering behind in the darkness. He taught me to let people in.
I want to be like her, Sylvana Carrero, a genuine heart who reaches in and pulls out the parts of children they’ve hidden away for fear of being hurt again. Smothering them with a mother’s love and gentle touch. I want to be like Jake, refusing to see only the walls we put up, looking beyond, at someone worth coaxing out. Being strong enough to bypass all the walls and the shields and anger to find that soul inside.
I saved Sophie from a life of pain. In that moment in Chicago it was the first time of my own existence I felt worthwhile, in some small way, being her protector and drawing her away to a better life was my one defining moment, and I want it again. I want to see more Sophies and more Leilas shining in the world, pushing through from the darkness, finding their way into kitchens like Sylvana’s and the lives of parents like the Huntsbergers.
For too long I’ve denied my past and let it consume me, ashamed and blaming myself for what was done to me. But I’ve realized that true release from the memories came when I let them out and shared them with Jake; shared them with someone capable of loving me without seeing any blame or disgust in what I had to tell him, and now, I want to do that for others too. I want to be a better person than the empty shell who existed for so long, I want to be the person who saves myself and continues to do so, now they have shown me the way.
I gaze down at my stomach and run a protective hand across it softly. I want to be someone nurturing and warm, whose children will be proud of them, someone children will run to and embrace in the knowledge that I’ll always keep them safe and always, always, put them first no matter what. I’ll never let anyone, not even Jake, come between me and my children or inflict any kind of pain on them in any way.
* * *
“God, I missed you.” Jake leans in and kisses me passionately, our mouths connecting sensually. He makes sure I know exactly how much he’s missed me in one breathless embrace, lingering a moment, and runs a hand across my face before turning to loosen his tie and pulling it off. He’s literally just arrived home and straight to our bedroom skipping up here like a child to see me. I can’t help but giggle and sag into that strong embrace weakly.
Finally putting me down he slides his jacket off and throws it on the end of the bed. I’m lounging, watching him in adoration, magazines strewn, and TV on low in the late evening, just so glad to have him with me again.
He’s been gone three whole days; work was demanding today, and his texts informed me there’d been three back-to-back meetings he needed to get out of the way before coming home. He has so much going on and a little part of me feels guilty that I’m not helping anymore, in fact I have no clue about any of the ventures he is overseeing nowadays.
It feels like we haven’t seen each other in weeks and devouring that face and body with my eyes makes my heart swell to enormous proportions.
God, I love him so much.
He strips off, hauling on a T-shirt and sweats quickly as I watch in complete admiration. His tantalizing body still being held aloft from me. I need to put my seduction plan into high gear soon, but right now I have other plans. As much as I ache for him, I must follow through on what I decided, and he looks tired enough to be less of a stubborn boy tonight. He looks exhausted for once and ripe for a little Emma cajoling.
I slide off the bed in my sexy nightdress, padding over to the side unit and pick up the cream envelope, turning to him and holding it out delicately with a soft smile on my face.
“Here.” I try for a gentle tone, watching him closely for signs of how this may go. Jake can be unpredictable at the best of times and when it’s something like this he can be very prickly.
“What’s this?” He takes it warily, a small frown crossing that gorgeous face as he comes close, and leans in kissing my temple, a hand running down my throat tenderly. I wait until he goes back to the envelope in his hand, watching him turn it over to open, my stomach tightens with nerves, but I stand my ground, and clench my hands in a bid to give myself courage. I need to do this if I want to carry out the plans I have made.
“My resignation from the Carrero Corporation,” I state calmly and slowly. Jake’s eyes shoot up to mine with a little look of hurt that instantly pains me, but I remain impassive. He opens his mouth with a severely intimidating glare, and I hold up my hands quickly, my nerves most definitely skyrocketing at his obvious instant reaction.
“Listen, before exploding … Let me talk,” I blurt rapidly, hoping to God he’s missed me enough to have more than a little patience over this. He closes his mouth and crosses his muscular arms over his chest in an almost menacing way, a very unamused expression on that face which goads me to carry on.
The unopened letter is still in his fingers on one hand. He isn’t going to open it until he hears me out. I know him. He thinks he will just rip it up if he doesn’t like my explanation and that I can forget all about it. I grit my teeth to find my inner steel. Jake doesn’t scare me in the slightest anymore, these bad moods of his are mostly just noise and temper, and if I’m going to be married to him for a lifetime then I’m going to have to learn to hold my own when Mr. Dominant. comes into play.
Undeterred I lean up on tiptoes, kissing him softly and tenderly on the mouth in a bid to show him that I am not doing this out of any malice. He stays stock still. His eyes burning into me with no hint of amusement at all, he’s probably over analyzing every reason for me doing this and getting it all wrong. I walk to the bed and sit down, deliberately making a show of being calm and in control, and hopefully a little bit sexy. I’m not against showing a lot of leg and cleavage to get my grumpy bear distracted.
Use your female prowess to tame that man, Emma.
“I don’t want to go back. That part of me is done Jake. The girl I was, her focus on that job … It’s all in the past. The person I was, she used her job to avoid any real emotion, any real life, to avoid relationships with people. There’s nothing for me there anymore except you and I have you here.” I blink up at him innocently, my voice full of conviction.
He’s watching me, a million emotions crossing his face but he’s waiting for me to finish now that I’m on a roll. He’s holding his temper, and desire to demand, for once in his life and I have to say I am a little impressed with his newfound willpower.
“I want to do something that means something to me. Something more fulfilling, where I can make a physical difference. Something that lets me be this version of who I am and gives me the flexibility to be a mother and a wife. This version of me that you keep encouraging to come out, this version you love.” I look up at him pointedly and adoringly, a small hint of a smile his way.
Yup, hit him emotionally, wear him down.
Jake sighs, his look of aggression dissipating fast, and walks toward me. His hand trails my hair, and he scoops down to kiss me solidly, a passionate kiss that knocks the breath out of me with a lot more steam than his first. When he leans back up, he appraises me closely. His whole demeanor softening as he thinks through what I’ve said.
“There’s too many smarts in this beautiful little head to ever be fulfilled as just a wife and mother, Emma. You’re a tough cookie, whatever it is you want to pursue you have my back up, every step of the way. I just want you to be happy. I’ll move mountains to help you achieve it.” He sits down beside me on the bed, his arm coming around my shoulders, pulling me close to him and smiles at me in a completely infatuated way.
I’m shocked at how easy this was. He didn’t even try to argue a point against it.
Who are you and where is Jake Carrero?
Maybe Jake’s come to the realization too, that going back to how it was just isn’t going to be an option for me, for us. His taking over work and leaving me alone is almost a sign that really, deep down, he doesn’t want me to go back down that path either. Jake is a lot happier not bringing work between us, knowing the stress and arguments it could cause again.
He’s taken a back seat compared to how he used to work, allowing Margo and her team do both our jobs. I know she now has six people under her control, all taking various positions and responsibilities, allowing Jake to be able to wander in and out freely and deal with only the most important things. Jake’s head is no longer embroiled in the Carrero Corporation. It’s here with me, most of the time, and our future family. He engineered his work routine to dissipate as it gets closer to the baby coming and I know he fully intends staying put and going nowhere in the last month of my pregnancy or the first six months of our baby’s life. That’s why he’s spending so much time now sorting and organizing things in Manhattan. There’s no real place for me in that role anymore, even if he wanted there to be.
“I want to do this on my own, Jake, whatever it is. I don’t want you throwing money at me in a bid to make it happen for me. I don’t need your money.” I gaze up at that expressive face and sense the protest coming by the slight tension in his jawline. He shifts around to face me, bringing a knee between us on the bed, letting me go so he can sit full-on and lock eyes. Mr. Let’s talk business. mode.
“Emma, you need to do something for me if I’m to accept this.” He holds up the letter and throws it onto the bed carelessly. He doesn’t even look as he does it, just eyes on me.
“What?” I’m waiting for negotiator and manipulator to move in, but he sighs instead. He has a look on his face that shows no fight at all just my beautiful man and so much love shining back at me.
“Accept that the money is a part of who I am. It’s what I’ve always known, how I was raised. It influenced my lifestyle, my character, and my abilities, seeped into every part of the person you love. I never knew any different and I probably never will, so when you constantly push it away, you’re pushing away a part of me. I’ve always known the money was never something you pursued but you need to accept that it’s going to always be a part of our lives and our kids” lives too. I can accept every part of you, Emma, scars, and all, so you need to accept this part of me and maybe even enjoy it a little. I worked hard to make my own money away from my father. Not a penny I have has come from him since I was twenty-one years old. I wanted it that way and now I want for you to revel in it a little too.” He looks at me so very seriously that I find myself shifting closer to him, so I can feel our bodies touching for comfort. I slide my hand into his on his lap, entangling our fingers.
I regard him thoughtfully, absorbing everything he’s saying, and I myself sag a little with the realization that he’s right. I fell in love with that high-profile, rich CEO, with his expensive clothes and suave cocky attitude, and overbearing demeanor. Truth be told, a part of me always liked his lifestyle because it did make him so much more powerful and sexy and had women swooning at his feet. I’ve had some seriously combusting panties for his car anyway and it all somehow collided together to make the man sitting in front of me. As much as I always knew I would have him without it all, I can’t deny he probably wouldn’t be the same person if he’d had a different path in life.
Jake’s confidence and authority comes from this lifestyle, his public persona is molded from a life in the limelight, his attention to his body and attire has become second nature, looking hot all the time to meet the demands of the media.
His heart and soul didn’t stem from wealth but everything else around his personality has been molded by it, even his spoiled child attitude and inability to back down. He grew up never wanting for anything and never having to wait or earn what he wanted in younger life. He has a spoiled little boy spark inside of him because of all that, which created his impulsive nature.
I need to accept that turning down his money because of some stupid moral pride is ridiculous. I sigh, knowing that if he was just a man with a normal bank balance then I would accept his financial support, so this is no different.
I need to get off my moral high ground and accept that I want to marry a billionaire with a default setting of generous. I need to get used to it or leave him. If credit cards, overindulgent gifts, and trips are part of what Jake is offering me then I’d better suck it up and stop being so goddamn stupid.
“I’ll try.” I smile knowing I’ve already backed down, but he doesn’t need to know that. Some fun is always to be had turning Jake down from time to time. I can’t really let him get away with thinking $10,000 dresses thrown my way should ever be normal. I tingle as his hands slide up my arms to rest on my shoulders.
“Good. Because I brought you home a beautiful and slightly expensive dress to take you out to dinner tomorrow night and I would be really gutted if I had to take it back.”
Really? A dress! After what I was just thinking? He never changes …
“If you’re using the word expensive then I don’t even want to know how much it cost, Jake.” I sigh with complete deflation. Jake is someone who considers a couple thousand dollars as pocket change. Expensive to him makes my head ache.
This is going to be so much harder to get used too than I thought. For a start, I already own way too many of Jake’s expensive dresses, I swear he has some sort of compulsion in buying me one almost weekly.