Chapter 93: My biggest fear
CASPIAN'S POV
I woke up again before daylight, before the first faint light edged over the ceiling. The bed next to me was empty, Lily was already in the hallway, to prepare for her morning routine. Half-asleep, I heard the gentle shut of the bathroom door, then rolled onto my back quietly in order not to make a sound, staring into the dark.
Since Nathaniel’s final ultimatum, her distance had pressed on me like a vice. I had watched her polite smiles and felt my chest tighten with each one, as though every flicker of warmth was a reminder of how easily she could slip away again. Last night’s argument—her refusal to dance, her hurried excuses—had unsettled me more than any threat from my past enemies. This was personal. This was my heart she was holding, and I would not be able to bear the thought of her pulling and away and leaving me alone to myself. It felt like I was losing her gradually and I was on borrowed time that was about to run out. And it drove me mad.
I let my legs dangle off the bed and stood up, the chill of the floor shook me a bit and back into the real world. I went over to the bedroom window and gazed out at the sleeping horizon of the city. In the silence, my head spun with one thing: What great thing could show my devotion, assuage her doubt, and drown out my own fragile insecurities?
The answer suddenly came to me, unbidden and insistent: a simple but grand proposal..
I hadn't intended to propose to her so soon—not until we'd patched the fissures between us. But the idea took hold and would not be shaken. If words failed to express it, perhaps a ring would express what I couldn't: I have chosen you, complete and forever. At this point, I was desperate to hold on to her and this step felt like it was my only option.
When Lily came back into the bedroom, robe loosely belted and hair loose, I grinned at her sheepishly. She plopped down on the edge of the bed, rubbing sleep from her pretty little eyes.
" Good morning Cass, how was your night?" she murmured..
"Good morning Lily. My night was alright, I slept well.," I replied, my voice deeper than it usually was. I pushed the thought of the proposal far behind my calm façade. "Coffee?"
She nodded slowly and I quickly went into the kitchen to get it. There I poured two mugs, the strong scent wafting throughout the room. I came back, her questioning eyes confronting me, soft and curious.
"Thanks," she replied, grasping the mug with her soft hands.
We sipped our coffees in a long and uncomfortable silence. I looked at the slant of her jaw, at how the light picked up her lashes. I could tell her everything that was running through my head, but words were lodged behind my throat. So I breathed quietly and posed a low, "Any plans on your schedule today?"
She dropped her eyes. "Just gallery prep. And you?"
I shrugged, attempting to sound nonchalant. "Few calls, then paperwork and some board meetings with some members of the board. Nothing too serious."
She smiled politely, but it didn't make it to her eyes. I knew she could see through me—she always could. She looked at me like she knew what was on my mind and it bothered me because I did not want her to have an idea of the next step I was planning to take . That worried look knotted my heart. I wanted to stretch across the bed, pull her into my arms, and promise her this ring idea had only love behind it, and not about the desperation of me going crazy about loosing her to someone else..
By mid-morning, I sat in my office, glass walls overlooking the garden. I spun my pen during a meeting, my head retracing Lily's distracted face and the ring I'd viewed on the internet earlier at dawn—a slim band encircled by one single brilliant diamond. I pictured placing it on her finger, with light dancing off each surface. Would it reassure her? Or would it scare her off and cause her to leave me for good, a desperate ploy instead of a true promise of love and affection?
I excused myself from the board meeting and went back to my own private study because I needed to clear my thoughts as they were overwhelming me. The door shut behind me with a click, and I leaned forward in the leather chair, my forehead resting on my hands.
I made myself think deeply about this whole situation: Am I asking because I love her, or because I'm afraid?
My chest contracted at the confession. Two truths conflicted within me. I was mad for her with a ferocity I did not know I possessed. But fear—fear of losing her—urged me to extremes, drove me to to things I never knew o was capable of.
I booted up my computer and typed in "engagement rings," scrolling page after page. I bookmarked a few: an antique solitaire, a filigree with antique look, a bezel setting minimalist. With each mouse click, it felt as if it was taking an unrecoverable jump. I did not purchase. I could not—at least, not yet, until I knew why. I needed to know if I was doing this for the right reasons. I needed to know if I was sure enough she would say yes to me and not see through my fears and insecurities. For I knew that if I made a wrong move, I might spoil things between us and she might leave me. And I wasn’t sure if I would be able to live with myself if that ever happens. I loved Lily, I loved her in a way I have never loved anyone. She completes me and I would be completely shattered if she ever decides to lose me. This is my biggest fear.