Chapter 92: Weird dinner
Later that night, we sat at the dining for our dinner. Caspian pouring wine with a gentle touch. I sipped, looking at the soft chair opposite me and wishing I could smile.
He cleared his throat. "I wanted us to have some time together—no distractions from the outside world." His eyes were hard, unyielding. "Just you and me spending quality time together, oblivious of what is happening around us."
I nodded slightly, looking at his face only for a moment. "That's… really perfect."
He leaned over the table, holding my hand. His thumb stroked the top of my wrist in wide, slow circles. "Tell me about your day," he told me in a soft tone.
I opened my mouth, closed it, the words that I was about to utter jammed. I gave him a polite overview of the new sculpture at the bookstore, but my voice was remote from my own hearing. Caspian listened to me, but I caught a flash of pain cross his face when I dropped my gaze.
He set his glass down and stood. "Dance with me please?" he asked, hope in his tone.
I gritted my teeth over my lip. I wanted to say yes—melt into him, let his warmth wash over the cold. But I shook my head up. "Not tonight Caspian, I am a bit tired."
His shoulders slumped, even as he battled to stand upright. "Okay Lily. Go and have some rest.."
I rose from the chair, my heart pounding. "I'm sorry, Cass. I have… some work to do."
Before he could protest, I slipped past by him, away from the room where candles lit and leaving him in the glow of the light.
Later that evening, I headed to the study, where anxieties of the day quickly caught up with me. I closed the door and rested my forehead against the icy chill wood. My heart was twisted. I had hurt him—hurt the man who had built me up from the ruins of my past.
A message popped on my phone:
"Is everything all right?" —Cas
I looked at the words, guilt and shame roiling through my veins. I circled my finger around the edge of my wine glass, trembling, knowing the farther I pulled away, the farther I pushed him towards desperation.
My heart twisted: I loved him so much but could not appear to open the doors to let him in without being overcome by the ferocity of his love for me. And meanwhile, Nathaniel's ghost loomed at the edge of my resolve—the comfort he used to offer in saying maybe I was meant for someone better. Someone more familiar. I tried to keep the thoughts out of my head, but they kept rushing back like waves with full force.
The door to the study creaked gently. Caspian came in, suit jacket draped over his arm. He closed the door and moved towards me. His face was that of a man that had a lot on his mind.
"I don't understand," he whispered. "I prepared tonight for both of us—to show you how important you are to me. And you. you closed me out."
His intense gaze hit me like a brick, and I drew back under their weight. "I'm sorry," I whispered, my voice cracking. "I did not mean to hurt you."
"You did hurt me Lily.," he stepped forward. "And it’s not only tonight. You've been distant for some days now—polite smiles, empty eyes. I feel you slipping away. It feels like you do not want to be here."
A sob welling at my eyes. "I haven't been… I just—" I whispered. "I am afraid."
His brow squeezed into a knit of confusion. "Of what. Did I scare you at any point?"
I leaned in, eyes closed, accepting the admission. "What if I can't—to provide you with what you need? What if my heart isn't strong enough?"
Caspian's eyes widened, and he cupped my face in his hands. His intense gaze softened into something that was so saturated with love that it made my breath catch.
Lily, he breathed, "you give me what I need each day. Your trust, your love, your heart—they are more than enough for me to get by everyday."
I put my hands on his wrists, feeling the strong strength of his arms. "But I came to you in fear," I admitted. "And now I've been wondering. did I choose you for out of fear again?
His jaw clenched tightly, but his eyes never wavered. "You chose me out of love Lily.," he said, the words harsh at the edges. "And if fear was ever between us, then we have moved past from it because we were strong enough to overcome it.."
Our eyes locked—intense, naked, unshakable. I could feel his words rooting deep into my very bones.
Caspian brushed a tear from my cheek. "I know I am not perfect. My love for you can be overwhelming.. But I swear I'll learn to be what you want, if only you forgive me."
I stared up at him, and all I saw was devotion. "I do," I whispered against his face, forehead against forehead. "I need you."
He kissed me then—slowly, tenderly, a kiss that mended the hurt between us.
Aftermath
We were huddled together afterwards, the study lamp dimly shining. Caspian had me clutched in his arms, his wild eyes flicking to mine in wordless relief.
"I love you," he said.
"I love you," I said, my lips pressed against his chest.
He wrapped his hand around my hair. "Tomorrow," he said, "let yesterday's shadows go. Let us focus on ourselves."
I grinned, closing my eyes tight against the warmth of his body. "Just us."
My heart was finally free at last. In his arms, I could conquer anything—fear, doubt, even the distant specters of Nathaniel's games. Because tonight we'd rediscovered each other in that study, in those flying, anxious glances and cautious confessions, and I would never let him go.