Chapter 34 - Lunna Rivera - Therapy and emptying yourself of what is not good.
***Weeks later.
*
Some time has passed. Romolo apologized to me and said he went blind due to jealousy, which is why he drank. We talked, and I decided to go to therapy. I know it will be difficult at first, especially having to talk about my traumas to someone I've never seen in my life. I don't even know if the person really cares about me, but I really need it… I have to save what I have with Romolo!
“So, Mr. Jhones, can we reach an agreement?”
“Of course, Rivera, you know that you are my best employee and that you have been here for a few years. I didn't want to lose you. However, I can't force you to stay. I understand that you have a dream, and I support you,” he says, smiling.
“Thank you, sir,” I say, and he goes back to typing on the computer, then prints something and hands it to me.
“I wrote a letter of recommendation, if necessary. Wow! He decided to do it himself! If you need to go back, know that the doors are open for you. You can go to HR, and they will sort everything out with you. I have already sent them an email," I get up from the chair with him looking at me. I know he is curious about what I am going to do when I leave here.
I didn't tell him everything; I just said that I needed some time for myself, that I had a dream. Maybe this was the right time for it to come true.
“Thank you, sir! For everything, for the ear tugging and learning,” I smile and walk to the door.
“Lunna, I wish you all the best, and what I said still stands. If you need to go back...”
“I know, and I appreciate it.”
I open the door and go out. Rebekka looks at me with eyes full of tears.
“So you will leave us?” I smile, seeing that she will never lose the habit. I approach her and take her hand.
“We all need to grow up, Bekka, and you, stop listening behind the door!” I say, and she smiles, hugging me.
“Will miss.”
“Me too, but you know my number and where I live. Anything, I'll come running,” she lets me go, and I walk to HR.
•••••••∞•••••••
I stop in front of the clinic entrance; my hands are sweating! I take a deep breath, trying to calm down. “It will work, it will work!” I say to myself, opening the door. As soon as I enter, I see some people sitting.
I stand there for a few minutes; I'm so scared! My heart is racing, and my legs are a little shaky.
“Hello, good afternoon!” the attendant says, smiling at me. I try to walk to the counter, but my legs won't obey. “Do you have an appointment?” She looks at me and then gets up, walks over to me, and puts a hand on my arm. “I understand that it may be scary to be here, but I guarantee it will be great for you. What's your name?” She lifts me to the counter and sits down, smiling.
“My name is… it’s… Luna.”
“Nice to meet you, Lunna; my name is Rafaela,” she says, looking at her computer. “As your name is a bit unusual here, I found you quickly. Your last name is Rivera, right?” I just make a positive gesture with my head. “Your appointment will be in ten minutes; you can sit there.” She points to an empty armchair. “I'll bring you something to calm down. Do you want a cup of coffee? Water? Or tea?”
“Yes, it could be water,” I say and go to the place she indicated, I sit down.
I look everywhere and get scared when she calls me, handing me the glass of water. I take small sips, and she smiles, returning to her seat. I see some people entering a door, others leaving, and I don't know if I'm ready to go back. I don't want to go back to that place, to those feelings.
•••••••∞•••••••
I sit in the armchair, look at that middle-aged woman smiling at me. The furniture is light, white, and the wall behind it is a light gray. The room is cozy and has a smell of flowers that reminds me of home, reminds me of my abuela.
“Hello, Miss Rivera, how are you?”
“Hey! I'm... fine, but nervous,” I say, running the palms of my hands over my black jeans.
“I understand, but don't be! I'm here to talk and help you," I nod positively and take a deep breath. “So, tell me why you are here.”
“I... want to save my relationship. I love my fiancé, but due to my traumas we..." I stop speaking, embarrassed.
“Look, Miss Rivera, I need you to open up to me so I can help you.”
“I know! It's just difficult to talk about it. I try to run away from my past, but it seems like it always catches up with me and does what it wants with me.”
“I understand, but we'll do it this way. Tell me about your fiancé and what's going on in your relationship, and it'll be easier for us to talk.”
“He is well!” I take a deep breath and smile, remembering what he is like. “My fiance's name is Romolo. We met at college, and it all started with a small friendship, but then he won me over.”
“Was he your first boyfriend?”
“Yes, the best of all was that he understood me, supported me, and it was wonderful to be in his company. But after we moved in together, everything changed! He always wanted something more, but I'm never ready for it.”
“Why aren't you prepared?” she asks, writing something down on her computer.
“I... every time he kisses me and the atmosphere becomes more intense, the things he does, the way his hand runs over my body, the sound of his breathing...” I stop talking, and a tear runs down my face. I clean it quickly. “Everything he does takes me back in time, reminds me of something that hurt me a lot.”
“Did you suffer abuse as a child?”
“Yes, for three years, and on the day he was discovered, he almost killed my mother. My sister, who was in her womb, died, and my father died in a car accident.”
“Do you blame yourself for your losses?”
“Yes, if I hadn't wanted with all my strength for Mom to enter the room and save me, he wouldn't have pushed her down the stairs. Dad wouldn't have lost his life in an accident because he was desperate. I should have kept quiet, I..." I don't even know what else to say; tears run down my face.
I feel someone touching my shoulder, I turn around, and she offers me a box of tissues with a glass of water. I take them, taking small sips and trying to calm myself.
“I'm sorry!” I say, placing the glass on the table and taking a tissue to dry my face.
“You don't need to apologize. Have you ever told anyone how you feel?”
“No.”
“I understand, but nothing that happened is your fault. You were just a child, and what they did to you was wrong!” Dr. Simon says, and I calm down. It feels like a big weight is slowly lifting.