Chapter 77 Grief and Guilt
LISA'S POV
I could not breathe. Nathan was dead. My sweet, patient Nathan who only wanted me to choose freely, who stepped back to give me space, who threw himself at a rogue leader to save me from being taken. Dead. Because of me. Because I chose violence when I could have chosen surrender or compromise or any option that did not end with his blood soaking into dirty gallery floors.
Dante pulled over again because I was hyperventilating and my hands were shaking so badly I could not hold them still. The world blurred around the edges and my chest felt like someone had wrapped steel bands around my ribs and was tightening them slowly. "I killed him," I whispered through the panic that clawed at my throat. "I chose violence and Nathan died protecting me from consequences I created."
Dante's voice was firm and he grabbed my shoulders to ground me in the present moment. "Marcus Krane's challenge killed him. The pack system that treats wolves like property killed him. You were defending yourself against people who wanted to own you and control your future. Nathan knew the risks when he stepped into that fight and he chose you anyway."
But I knew better. The truth sat heavy in my stomach like stones. I could have gone with Marcus Krane, honored the marriage contract my mother signed, avoided the entire fight. Nathan would be alive right now, laughing with warriors at Southern Pack, planning his future, living. Instead he was dead and I was running away with a human artifact dealer while everyone I loved grieved without me.
"My phone," I said suddenly and reached for the bag Dante had taken from me at the gallery. "Give it back. I need to call Daniel, Ryan, someone who can tell me this is not real."
Dante hesitated and his face said he thought this was a bad idea. But he handed over my phone anyway because he could not stop me from facing what I had left behind. The screen lit up with notifications that made my heart stop. Seventeen missed calls from Ryan, nine from Daniel and forty-three from various pack members whose names blurred together. Text messages stacked on top of each other in an avalanche of grief and anger and confusion.
Text from Ryan that came in an hour ago: "Nathan's gone. He loved you more than you probably realized. He died protecting you because that was who he was at his core. Where are you? Please come back. We need to talk about what happens next."
Text from Daniel sent twenty minutes after Ryan's: "Little sister, I know you are grieving and probably terrified. But running will not fix this or bring Nathan back. Come home. We will figure it out together like we always do. You are not alone in this."
Text from Emma that was only five minutes old: "I am so sorry about Nathan. This is my fault too because if I had not told Sophia things about your past, none of this would have escalated the way it did. I am so sorry, Lisa. I never wanted anyone to get hurt."
I hurled the phone across the car and it hit the dashboard before falling into the footwell. I screamed. The sound ripped from somewhere deep in my chest where all the pain and guilt and rage lived together in a tangled mess I could not untangle. Dante let me scream until my voice went hoarse and my throat burned. He did not try to comfort me or tell me everything would be okay because we both knew that was a lie.
When I was empty and shaking and could barely speak, Dante said quietly, "You can go back. Grieve with your pack and Ryan and everyone who loved Nathan. Be there for his family during the funeral rites. Or you can keep driving, finish reading your mother's journal, honor Nathan by actually choosing your own path like he wanted you to do all along."
I picked up the phone from where it had fallen and stared at Ryan's name in my contacts. My finger hovered over the call button while my heart pounded so hard I could feel it in my throat. Then I pressed it before I could change my mind.
Ryan answered immediately and his voice was raw like he had been crying. "Lisa."
"I am alive. I am safe. I am with Dante Moretti." The words came out flat and emotionless because I had nothing left to give.
Ryan's voice broke on my name. "Come home. Please. Nathan's family wants to do the funeral rites according to pack tradition. They want you there because you mattered to him and he would want you to be part of saying goodbye. I want you here. The baby needs you to be safe and surrounded by people who can protect you."
"I need time, Ryan." I closed my eyes against the tears that wanted to fall. "I need to figure out what I actually want without everyone's grief and expectations weighing on me like chains. Give me one week to think clearly."
"Lisa, please do not do this. Do not run from us when we need to be together."
"One week. Then I will come back. Then I will make my decisions about the baby, about Marcus Krane's contract, about everything that everyone wants from me. But I need one week where I am not anyone's problem to solve or prophecy to fulfill." I hung up before he could respond because hearing his voice break was destroying what little composure I had left.
I looked at Dante and my voice was steady for the first time since he told me Nathan was dead. "Drive."
He nodded and pulled back onto the highway without asking questions or trying to talk me out of my decision. The darkness swallowed us as we drove north toward mountains and safe houses and temporary freedom from pack politics.
But as we drove in silence broken only by the hum of tires on asphalt, my phone buzzed with a text from an unknown number. I almost ignored it. Almost threw the phone out the window and let the highway swallow it. But something made me look.
The message had a photo attached. I opened it and my world tilted sideways. Adrian stood at Western Pack with a beautiful woman I did not recognize. They were close, intimate in the way people are when they have history and secrets. Her hand rested on his chest and he was smiling at her like she hung the moon and stars just for him.
The message below the photo made my blood run cold: "Thought you should know the truth. Adrian's concerned friend act is not the only one playing games with you. Adrian has been engaged to Alpha Catherine of the Northern Pack for six months. The courtship with you? Political strategy to secure a silver wolf alliance before anyone else could claim you. He never intended to actually choose you over his real mate. Just wanted to make sure you stayed friendly with Western Pack in case the baby's power could benefit his territory. A Real Friend."
I stared at the photo until the screen blurred. Adrian. Sweet, supportive Adrian who brought me gifts and checked on me and made me feel like someone actually cared about my wellbeing instead of my bloodline. Engaged. For six months. While he was courting me and pretending he might want a future together.
Everyone was lying. Everyone had an agenda. Nathan was the only one who loved me without wanting something in return and now he was dead.