26: I am not Below Begging

**Coal**

Tears pooled in my eyes as my beautiful, heartbroken, terrified mate told me of the dream she had that kept her going. I could see how badly she wanted it to be real. How desperately she craved the coming true of it.

"But now I won't ever even be able to have pups," she whimpered softly, burying her face into her hands, "not pups from my womb at least."

"What?" I whispered.

Her sobbing halted entirely and she slowly raised her face to meet my gaze.

"I'm so sorry, Coal," her lower lip trembled, "I'm so sorry. I just wanted it all to go away for a while, if I'd have known, I wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't--"

My eyes closed of their own accord and a few tears fell from my filled eyes, "what did you do to make it go away, Raegan?"

I wasn't sure I was ready to hear what she did. I wasn't sure I was ready to know the lengths my mate went to to try and mentally escape Kai. As she told me of Kai's mother poisoning her, and the bowl of soup that rendered her comatose, I felt my heart breaking once more. When she said that Gabe came and rescued her I felt nothing but grateful for the pup. Try as I might to not respect him, he had saved her, and for that I would owe him.

When she finished telling me what the doctor had told her in Arizona, I was fighting the urge to embrace her and never let her go. My eyes were still shut as I reigned in my overwhelming emotions.

"Say something," she whispered.

I opened my eyes and looked into her beautiful brown eyes.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

She scoffed and wiped her cheeks free of dry tears just for them to be replaced with a fresh wave of wet ones. "Am *I* okay? Coal you just heard your mate can't produce an heir to the throne--"

"Fuck the throne," I shook my head, "I don't give a shit about the throne. I give a shit about you. I know we didn't talk about pups all that much, but you clearly wanted to have a small litter. I... hearing... *knowing* there's a good chance you won't have that in the ways you wanted to have it... God," I cut myself off, finally giving into the desire-- no, *need* to comfort my mate. I hugged her tightly, cradling her head into my chest and holding onto her like she was my life support.

She gasped softly, and I felt her hands ball up into fists in between us.

"Raegan I will do everything in my power to help you in this."

She exhaled deeply, and I pinched my eyes shut and inhaled her scent for the umpteenth time that day.

"I hate myself," she admitted.

Arsen whined at that, and I forced back the sob that threatened to wrack through me.

"None of this is your fault," I whispered the only thing I could think to say.

"But it is," she pulled back and looked into my eyes, "I knowingly drank the poison. I knowingly left with Kai. I knowingly put myself in that--"

"No," I shook my head, "no, no, no. You were coersed into those situations. Don't you ever fucking blame yourself for what that cunt did to you."

She flinched at the insult.

"You are not responsible for his decisions, and you are not responsible for what he did to you. The poison was his mother. You cannot put this on yourself. I-- I can't hear you put this on yourself, Raegan, do you understand? It's not your fault," I pressed my forehead against her's and cupped her cheeks in my hands, "It's not your fault." I repeated the words over and over and she trembled under my touch as her sobs continued with renewed vigor.

Her self-blame hung in the air between us.

I knew how my mate thought, and she would put herself in the line of fire (even from herself) before anyone else and take the hit. But this wasn't her fire to take. She didn't deserve to blame herself.

"We'll make an appointment with the doctor to talk about this when you're ready, and I will be by your side if you'll let me. If you want me to be." I assured her.

"You will?" She asked, hiccuping a little.

I nodded, tucking her head under my chin, "of course, my dove."

She nodded her head and clutched my shirt in both of her fists while wiggling closer to me in my lap.

I hummed softly, the tune that she'd hummed the day we met. The tune that had stitched itself into my unconciousness. She purred quietly, and Arsen responded with his own purrs.

Her sadness started to fade, and her heartbeat slowed as she stopped hiccuping. Soon, she was asleep in my arms.

*Coal?* Hannah's voice called to me.

*Yes?*

*Alpha Grace sent a letter to you.*

*To me?*

*Yes. She addressed it you with explicit instruction to not show it to Queen Alpha.*

I furrowed my brows.

*I assume you've read it?*

*As I do all correspondence from other leaders.*

*What did it say?*

*It would be better if you read it yourself.*

*How bad is it?*

*I wouldn't say bad, I would say... shocking.*

*Give me a minute, and give it to me in the guest room next to our room on the ground floor. Reagan's asleep and I can't be far from her for too long.*

*Understood.*

With a heavy mind, I set Raegan on the bed. I laid her on her side, propping her up with the pillow the doctor in Grace's pack suggested be used to keep contact off of her back.

I pulled the blanket over her and kissed her forehead. Instinctively, she moved closer to me in her sleep. I sighed and rose from the bed before leaving my sleeping mate.

I met Hannah in the room beside us, and she looked equal parts amused and concerned.

"Let me see," I held my hand out for the letter.

She handed it to me, and I spared no time opening it and reading it for myself.

My eyes went wide and I raised my brows, "schedule a call with her as soon as possible. This... this needs to be discussed thoroughly and I don't have the patience to do it over letters."

"Understood," Hannah nodded.

I handed her back the letter, to which she chuckled.

"Who'd of thought it, huh?" She shook her head.

"Not funny, Han," I narrowed my eyes at her.

"I think it's rather ironic," she shrugged, "the one who shelters Raegan after she saves herself and the one that Raegan sacrificed herself to save. The Goddess--"

"Don't bring up her up right now," I growled.

Hannah's eyebrows shot into her hairline.

I shook my head once to gesture that I didn't want to speak of it. She got the message and didn't mention it further.

I didn't want to confront my feelings about our ever-malevolent Goddess just yet. I needed to be there for Raegan, and I couldn't do that if I was stewing in my rage for a Goddess unkind.

No, the question of my faith would have to come later.