Chapter 14

Chapter 14

DIANA THORTON

"Wow, so you just left?" Caroline asked over the phone.

"I put on my big girl pants, get up and scurry off." I sigh after inhaling and exhaling a lung full of breath. I have no idea what that meant.

•Are you okay?" She asked.

I may have had plenty of practice in shoving my emotions down and acting like everything was alright; hell it's been years since my foster parents passed and I have been pretending to be alright ever since.

Each year, on their death anniversary, I find myself not ready to accept that they're gone. My five stages of grief should be over but it's tough embracing acceptance. I must also add that it is because of that last stage that I've been able to progress emotionally. The moment I accept, I might never recover from it. Call me psycho but, it's the only way I'm able to deal with this particular pain.

Maybe that is why my situation with Gabriel doesn't make me feel sad at all. I've known greater pain so one tiny small one can't break me.

"I am okay, Caroline. I know it's weird because I used to be in a relationship with him and loved him" Caroline stopped me mid-sentence and I instantly knew why.

"Did you love him? I'm asking because your countenance isn't screaming the man I love has moved on with a redhead"

I stay silent. Silent but deeply thinking. Was I really in love with Gabriel or was it just a facade?

What would have happened if I had stayed in that relationship and gotten married to Gabriel without really being in love with him?

My nonchalant attitude towards what happened at his place is evidence that I was never deeply in love with Gabriel. I may have cared for him but not in the way he or even I would have eventually wanted.

I am thankful for the space, it made me realize things sooner.

I stare at my journal, reading what I've written again. The lovely note was nearly empty a few days ago and now it harbours my deepest secrets and concerns.

Anyway, truth be told, I want to have the kind of love my foster mum had with my foster dad and I did see that future with Gabriel, so what changed?

If I were Celeste, I would be wild on the streets of the city looking for the next Steve, as a means of not sulking and getting over the heartbreak. Again, I am not hurting.

Celeste's idea of getting over a heartbreak is drinking and finding a rebound but at my age, I don't need that kind of solution. I may act impulsive in some situations but when it comes to these kinds of things, random sex is not my number one solution.

One solution I do need right now is a way to ensure that Alexander doesn't use my idea- at least not without seeking my permission. Is he even looking for me?

Then again, I didn't give him any clue. How am I supposed to deal with this? I had made myself feel better with the phrase "He can only copy. Nothing beats the original"

I spent years of research to create that niche of beauty products and Alexander sure has enough resources but nothing can absolutely beat the years of analysis I put into it.

I shut my journal after writing to my heart's content.

*********

I wake up early and in a very emotional space. It's usual for me on days like this. My foster mum's death anniversary. And no, I don't visit once a year. It's just that going on the day she died, a significant day, hits differently.

I hit the shower to start getting dressed for work. The whole point of arriving super early is to ensure that I do all that I have to and head down to the cemetery at the close of work. I informed HR weeks ago and she assured me that I could excuse myself once I finish my work to-do for the day.

I snagged a dress with a yellow flower print from the wardrobe and paired it with a silver necklace that has the pendant my foster mum gifted me just before she passed.

Yellow was also her favorite color so I guess you can say that I am pretty intentional about today.

I pick up my phone to confirm the booking for the lilies. My foster mum loved lilies and not just any kind. It's longiflorum lilies. She loved them so much that my foster dad made it a tradition to buy her a bouquet of fresh lilies before the end of every week.

When I asked her why she loved them, she simply said the lilies represented something significant in her life - rebirth. She never really went into details and now I wish I had asked more questions to understand why she obsessed over them that much.

I take one final look at myself in the mirror, completely satisfied. I go over the checklist one more time to make sure I'm not leaving anything out.