Chapter 27-4

War was being waged inside Lex.  One side of her heart wanted to say screw you to Wilson, to quit and march out the job, triumphantly putting love before money.  Otis needs me - he could be dying right now, and I need to be there.  What if he died before they had a chance to make up over the termination?  The thought was like a hook through her guts, threatening to spill her insides everywhere in a bleeding mess. The other, stronger, more practical side cajoled her, whispering fear-mongering scenarios about Lex being broke and unemployed, about everything she'd ever worked for draining away.  It was only booze, and it probably wasn't that bad.  Most likely, he would be asleep and unable to even appreciate her sacrifice.  Another few hours and your speech will be done, and then you can visit him. It was that side that won.  She didn't even feel that bad as she steeled herself and said, "Of course, Mr Wilson.  I'll just check in with the hospital and head back inside." "No time for that now," he said, gesturing to the other attendees formicating back inside.  "Wait until lunch. So, she did.  She followed him like a submissive child, unable to refuse.  She sat in the conference room, staring straight ahead and her mind racing.  Back and forth flew her thoughts; he's fine, he's not, I should go, I should stay, screw my job, I need my job, Otis, Otis, Otis.  Please be okay. As soon as they were released for lunch, Lex flew to the bathroom, listening to her missed voicemails with a rising horror.  Alexandra Carson?  This is Saint Vincent's again.  Letting you know that Otis' condition has worsened.  Beep.  Miss Carson, please be advised that Otis has been transferred from the ER to ICU.  Beep.  Otis's condition has been updated to critical, please contact the hospital as soon as possible. She rang, her fingers shaking so hard, her phone rattled against her earring.  Fighting her way through the hospital call system, she finally found someone to talk to.  "Yes, are you family?" "I am."  She was all he had.  "Please, how is he?"  Not dead, please not dead, anything but dead...  She caught an image of Otis' emerald eyes dull and unseeing and she clapped a hand over her mouth to stifle a sob. "Well, he's resting at the moment.  I can't give you too much information over the phone, but he's lucky to be breathing right now.  He's been moved to the ward and we think he's through the worst of it, but you should really make your way in as soon as you can." Lex giggled manically.  He's okay.  He's okay!  I was scared for nothing.  "Okay, thank you.  I'll be there right after work tonight." She hung up and wiped her sweaty, stressed face with a square of paper hand towel.  He's okay.  Now, her frustration returned as she tried to scrape her blonde hair back up into a semblance of a smooth style.  What a drama queen.  She would go to the hospital after her speech, and she'd lecture him about throwing tantrums and trying to decimate her career.  Hopefully, this makes up for the whole abortion thing.  He'd nearly gotten her fired because of his bender - surely they were even. Later in the afternoon, Lex's speech went well; her presentation good enough that even Wilson looked impressed.  She'd intended to race out the door once she was done, but of course all the shareholders wanted to speak to her as the newest executive, and with the board members lurking over her shoulder, she had to put on a performance and allay their fears. "Drinks at the bar, team!" shouted Wilson once the last of the attendees had left, and Lex found herself caught up in the huddle of senior executives at the hotel bar, drinking red wine that cost $20 a glass and tasted like vinegar to her.  But she couldn't go yet.  Otis was fine, she would get there eventually, but right now, she had to pay penance with her bosses by being present and attentive. Hours later, she finally extricated herself and called a cab.  It took half an hour to cross the city, the evening traffic crawling and slow for no particular reason.  The hospital loomed up out of the night like a hulking grey beast with windows for yellow eyes.  Lex shivered slightly, a trickle of trepidation down her spine. She hurried inside, unsure why she was running now when she knew Otis was okay.  Trying not to touch any surfaces, lest she catch something from the germy hospital, she made her way to the ward and asked a grumpy nurse, "Hello, I'm looking for a patient named Otis?" "Last name?" Dammit, Otis.  "I don't know it." "Humph."  The unimpressed woman directed her to another nurses' station, where a much friendlier nurse looked up. Lex relayed Otis' name again, and this time, the nurse's eyes widened in recognition.  "Oh, you must be Ms Carson.  We spoke earlier." "Yes, hi."  Lex looked around the ward, trying to catch a glimpse of Otis' dirty blonde hair.  "Can you give me an update before I see him, please?" "Uh...  I'm sorry, I don't know quite how to tell you this, but I'm afraid Otis is gone." "Gone?"  Her heart collapsed inside her chest and the universe spun without her.  Otis couldn't be dead.  He couldn't be.  Suddenly she saw things with crystal clarity.  Her life wasn't worth anything without him in it.  The money didn't matter, or her job or her house and cars.  Only him, her beautiful Otis with his silky hair and easy smile.  The blood drained from Lex's legs, and she fell suddenly forward, weak and helpless. The nurse grabbed her, her strong hands keeping Lex steady.  "No, no, not dead, just gone," she belatedly explained.  "Although the condition he was in when he came in, I'm amazed he survived, let alone was able to walk out of here." "He's walked out?" "Discharged himself against medical advice about an hour ago." Stupid, stubborn Otis.  Lex was a broiling pot of emotion as she said to the nurse, "Didn't you tell him I was on the way?" "We did.  We found your number on a document in his pockets."  She turned away, fishing behind the desk, then handed Lex the termination fact sheet from the night before.  "When he woke up, we told him you'd been contacted just after he was admitted.  He seemed quite distressed that you hadn't arrived yet, so many hours after being informed of his critical condition, so I explained that you were waiting to finish work first." "Oh."  Oh, shit.  Lex knew how it must look to this stranger, let alone to Otis.  She didn't have time to explain why she hadn't rushed to the hospital when her boyfriend was lying in ICU; she had to get home and make sure Otis knew why. She thanked the nurse, then stalked out of the hospital.  As she jumped inside another cab bound for her terrace house, Lex felt a deep weariness creep over her.  Goddammit.  I just have to tell him that it wasn't like he was dying.  Well, he was, but then he was fine.  Hopefully he's still awake when I get home... But when Lex reached home, the place was cold and dark.  Otis was not there.  Otis was not anywhere.  She waited for him on the couch until she fell asleep, unwilling to sleep in their bed without him. She went to work as normal the next day, but took her lunch break out of the office, contacting JJ at the studio.  "Sorry, Lex, I haven't seen him, and the pub in Newcastle said he never showed." "Let me know if he calls, please." Otis didn't call.  He had disappeared out of her life as magically as he'd appeared.  It took a week for her to admit to herself that he'd vanished and she had nowhere left to look for him.  It was much longer before she realised he wasn't ever coming back, that perhaps she wouldn't ever have the chance to explain or be forgiven.