Chapter 29

I didn’t know how long she’d driven or if she was still lived in Chicago. I should have asked her something. Anything, but I couldn’t take my eyes of this beautiful creature in front of me, our son.

He was so innocent, and as I drew closer, I could smell him. The smell of a newborn was supposed to be a touch of heaven. I hated the idea of admitting that until now, I hadn’t been near a newborn child. No one had ever asked if I wanted to hold one, and quite frankly until now I’d never had the urge to do it.

Adrianna looked good, fantastic, considering she’d had a baby; I could see motherhood had made a change in her. The fact she’d come here, the clothes she was wearing, a white and brown matching Gucci suit, could have been brand new. Either way, she looked good, with new short boob hair. I loved her hair, but she’d cut it. Her choice and it made her look older, but then it could have been the time we’d spent apart and the fact she was now a mother.

“You can hold him if you like?” She came closer and put her hand on my back.

“Wait! How did you find me?”

She said, “Diego.”

“Fuck!” Then I covered my mouth thinking about our child’s first word being a cuss word. Back in the day, I would have been proud of such a thing, now I felt ashamed of it. I’d seen hard-working people, normal people raise their kids to be good, which meant they had respect not only for their elders but their friends, too. I’d been brought up to think everyone who wasn’t in your bloodline was below you and didn’t deserve your love, let alone your respect.

“Yes. Do you think he didn’t know where you were all this time? Did you think he would let you go and think, great he’s gone to lead a good life, I won’t have to watch him anymore.”

She had a point, and I should have known better than to think Diego would take over and not be worried about my whereabouts. He was acting the same way I would have if I was in charge. He was making sure I didn’t come back and if I did, then he would be one step ahead of me. I’d taught him well, maybe a little too well, and I should have been proud of him, but some part of me resented him for it.

“Have you been in Chicago all this time?” I wanted to know more about her life, I didn’t know if I was going to see her again, but I took the opportunity to ask her.

“No. In New Jersey. A quiet town. I bought a small house, and we’ve been fine. I met a couple of moms in a baby group. They’ve been good, so we’re fine. We’re doing…okay.” She shrugged and part of me wondered if she said the last part for my benefit or for her own.

“So, are you going to hold him or stand there staring at him?” she asked as she studied me as if she wanted to see the monster, the one she’d left behind so many months ago.

I confessed, “I’ve never held a baby, I’m worried I would hurt him.”

She didn’t judge or even mock me. If anything, her brows met together as she approached me.

“It’s okay. I’ll show you how, you don’t have to be afraid of him, or me.”

I nodded, as I moved and we stood side-by-side, she smelled of fresh roses, the same way she looked too. Whereas I smelt of cold, oil, and fresh winter. We came from completely different worlds, and like before, I didn’t know if we could come together, I was even more positive we couldn’t right now.

“First things first. Go wash your hands.”

I headed to the sink in the corner of my room. I made sure I scrubbed my hands, so no inch or part of it would be dirty. When I was finished, I made sure I didn’t use the towel partially filled with oil to dry it. I grabbed some hand towels and admired her as she made baby faces at him, even if he was asleep.

“What’s his name?”

“Rik.”

“Oh,” the idea she named him after me in some way took me back. Rik. I liked it. I was taken aback as I breathed deeply and then decided to give it a try in holding him.

“What do I do with my arms? Like this?”

I’d grasped my hands together with my elbows out. I’d watched others do it, but never taken note, I never thought I would have to until now.

“Watch,” she whispered as she moved closer towards him, I knew she was doing it all in slow motion because she wanted me to observe, so I would do the same. Then she put her elbow to the bed and then scooped him up, with her hand into her elbow. I’d seen it done before, they always made sure the head was safe, rather than the rest of the body. She turned to me smiling, and then whispered, “Now, your turn.”

I tried to repeat the same thing, but my arms were shaking, I was so fucking nervous, but it didn’t deter her from moving him into my arms. She continued to do it, until like her I had him completely in my arms. He was so tired, innocent, and then he yawned and started to wiggle. I laughed at the idea we were once this small, so small and innocent and then over the years, something completely different became of us.

“How old is he?”

“Six weeks. He wanted to come out early. We were in the hospital for three weeks, until we left. He was big, even for a small one and he’s been growing so much since then. I can’t believe he’s nearly two months old.”

I nodded, as I moved away from her, wanting to see him in the light, the one light in this cabin.

“Neither can I, I thought you would be giving birth any day now.”

She laughed. “No, remember when I left, I said I was around six weeks pregnant. Turns out it was more than two months and a bit, so I had the whole date thing mixed up.”

“Ah, okay. You’ve never done this before, so it makes sense.”

The lighting in the cabin was a bit dim, but the light in the middle of the room felt as if the sun was shining on him. I wanted to see as much of him as possible, I wanted this moment to last because afterward, who knew what would happen. I didn’t want to think about that right now, I wanted to enjoy him.

“I can tell he’s going to be like his dad.”

I shook my head. “Don’t say. I don’t want him to be nothing like me. Nothing like me at all.”

She smiled as she put her hand on my shoulder.

“Your landlady Monica was telling me all about you, Lucas. You have been kind, you helped fix the roof when her husband couldn’t do it because of his leg. You help so many people around town.”

I laughed. “Monica has a big mouth. She doesn’t even know who you are.”

“I know, but she knew Rik was your son and I’m—”

I moved away from her, not because I didn’t want to be close, but I felt like a monster. The one I’d been running away from crawling back inside of me. The monster would have put the baby down and taken her on top of his bed, no questions asked, I didn’t want to be that man anymore. So, I created a gap, realizing that after all this time, she still lit up the fire inside of me, the one I thought was truly blown out.

“Who would have thought someone like me, could have a quiet life?”

She shook her head. “I never thought you would, which is why I never believed you being part of Rik’s life would be a good idea.”

“So, what changed your mind?”

She smiled. “I bumped into Juan and his wife, they were shopping casually, we never spoke, but I watched them. You could say I turned into a stalker that day. I spent all afternoon instead of taking the message and couple of hours Jen gave me as a treat for my birthday, following them.”

She sat back on the bed as if she was tired and started to relive the moment.

“Until I saw Juan, I thought it wasn’t possible. Seeing Juan with a baby on the way, and another kid made me think it was possible.”

“His wife is pregnant?”

She nodded. “Yeah, you didn’t know?”

I shook my head. “I knew he had one kid, but two. I even thought they lived in Italy.”

She smiled. “They did, Diego told me, but not anymore. When I left the house, the day when I last saw you, Diego came to the house and he gave me his card He told me if I needed anything I should call him. So, I did. I must admit I was shocked when he told me you’d disappeared…”

I shrugged, thinking about the irony in her sentence. I hadn’t done a good job if all she had to do was call Diego and he gave her an address.

“I tried to and didn’t do a good job of it, seeing as you found me so easily. How long before you called him had he given you my address?”

“A day or it could have been two. It was a few weeks ago, I was pregnant and then back then, didn’t know what I was going to do with this information. You see, there’s still a lot of people who want you to pay for what your dad did to their family, but for some reason, I think Diego keeps them at bay. Especially relatives of Ma.”

Shit, Mario and Ma. I forgot about them, made sense that they would seek revenge after Ma not only killed her son, but Jose ended up killing her, too. They didn’t want anything leading back to us, more importantly, me.

“He told you this?”

I was shocked Diego was going out of his way to protect me. Some part of me felt proud I’d taught him how to have some morals, but then the other part knew he was now in charge of what I’d left behind and there was nothing to be proud of.

“No. But it is the only thing which makes sense.”

I couldn’t keep on like this. I was getting too comfortable with the little one in my arms and her being in my cabin.

“Why did you come Adrianna? Why are you here?”

I handed Rik back to her, and then moved away, and she seemed shocked by the change in my tone.

“Don’t you want us here? Aren’t you happy to meet him?” she asked.

“It’s not about what I want or what I need, it’s about why did you come?”

She sighed. “I don’t know. Did I come to tell you to forget the past and let’s move forward? No. Did I come to tell you Rik and I were moving to Alaska, no. I know I haven’t been able to get you out of mind, and when I thought that there was a chance, you would be like….well…like this, I had to come and see for myself.”

“I see. I think the little one is probably tired and there’s a hotel, so maybe it’s better if you stay there for the night.”

A tear escaped, and I avoided eye contact because I knew I had nothing to offer them. She was right. The only option would be for them to come and live with me here, which wasn’t an option. What would we do together, hurl snow?

“Right. We better get going, he’ll need a feeding soon.”

With haste, she took the car chair in the corner of the room, strapped him in. Kissed his forehead, put on her jacket and like that, she was ready to go.

“My keys,” she said as she passed me to get to the table. We froze, standing staring at each other, she was waiting for me to make a move and I didn’t want to make her stay. My heart was crying at the idea of them walking out of the door and never seeing them again. I smelled him, held him in my arms, and was ready to give it up. She said she came, and didn’t know the reasons why, it was a lie. She came, for what I was about to do.

I held her in my arms, and then I swept her up, waiting for her permission to do so much more, she did nothing but gasp, and slowly open her mouth and hold back her head.

I slowly met her lips, I kissed on top of it, to the side and the bottom of each. Each time, she held it lightly open, waiting for my tongue to enter her mouth. I did at first, as her breathing started to become heavy, and once I kissed her, I made sure that I had no intention of letting her go, the monster the man I used to be once returned and claimed her.

I loved her. There was no turning back from the feelings I had for her. She felt the same way, too. She didn’t just come to introduce me to our son, she came here to be with me. Love brought her to me and I was never going to shove her away again. She and our son was home and I cherished both of them. Love had saved me and given me a family.