Chapter 24

I didn’t know what to do with myself, it was one of those days when I felt nervous about everything. I was late. Not one or two days late, but nearly two weeks. I needed to get to the pharmacy to take a test. The funeral was tomorrow and I couldn’t do it then, but then I felt guilty about leaving Ricardo.

He would want to know where I was going, so the best thing I could do was make up some emergency and tell him I was going to visit Jen. I was on my way to see her, but not to do whatever lie I would make-up in the meantime.

“You didn’t sleep all night, you kept tossing and turning,” Ricardo said as I slipped out of bed. I thought he was sleeping.

“I’m anxious about tomorrow. I’ve only been to one funeral in my life, my mom’s. I suppose I was feeling your sadness and memories of that day flashed through my mind.”

He sighed. “Sorry, you don’t have to come.”

I kissed him on the lips, and then stroked his face. I didn’t want him to blame himself for my restless sleep. It was my stupidity for not taking the pill. I forgot not for one week, but the whole time after I came out of the dungeon.

“You sure there is nothing on your mind? You seem distant.”

I shook my head. “No. Nothing. Jen is waiting for me. I need to meet up with her.”

“Sure.”

I crawled off the bed, but not fast enough because he grabbed my arm.

“I hope you don’t feel the need to stay away from me, for any reason.”

“No,” I whispered as a lump got stuck in my throat. I wasn’t good at lying, and I seemed to be doing it all the time. First to Jen about Gold and now to Ricardo about why I was going to Jen. Is this what life with him would be about, nothing but lies? I hated the idea of it. He smiled, but I could tell he wasn’t convinced. In a way, it was good he had other things to worry about, otherwise, he would notice my other leg, the one which was hovering above the bed, was shaking like hell. I needed to get out of here, Ferd was waiting for me outside, I didn’t need to bother about having a shower, as I put my clothes on, tied my hair up, and then I’d be gone.

I quickly got my jeans I’d tossed on the dresser earlier, and the same shirt, all I needed was some underwear and I would be out of here.

“You can put the light on,” Ricardo said as he was stretching out. “Or even draw the curtains.”

“No!” I said it a bit too loud, and I even scared myself. “It’s okay. I’ll get changed in the bathroom while brushing my teeth. Besides you need to rest, seeing as I kept you up some of the night, you’re probably tired.”

“Right,” he said, and I knew for sure he was distracted. Usually, he would tell me not to be silly, I had a feeling I hadn’t kept him up. He was already up.

He grabbed the pillow next to him, my replacement and the faint light was coming in through the bathroom door, showed me he’d closed his eyes and was going to fall asleep.

I took in a deep breath and rushed to the bathroom to get ready, I had to find out what was going on. Maybe it was the stress of everything which had made me miss my period? Or even after taking the pill for so long, maybe it had messed up with my whole internal system? Or maybe I was pregnant. In about one hour, I was about to find out, either way.

* * *

I waved to Ferd and then pressed on the bell to Jen’s apartment. The good thing was Ben was at work and Jen was home alone. If it was the bad news I was expecting it to be, then I didn’t want him to be around to witness it.

I was a mess. I was crying and trying to hide my tears at the back of the limo, thinking there was no point taking the test, to be told what I already suspected. I was pregnant, and I didn’t know what I would do if it was true.

“Hey,” Jen said as the elevator door opened and she was waiting for me in the hallway.

“What are you doing out here?”

“I thought maybe we could go for a walk first. Ferd’s gone right?”

I nodded.

“What time is he coming back?”

I shrugged.

“Wow, you’re a great conversationalist. I mean why do you look so gloomy, if it is then…”

I said, “I’ve only known him for less than a couple of months, and we haven’t even discussed the future. I mean, I don’t even know if he wants me around.”

She wrapped her arms around me. “Don’t be silly, if he didn’t want you around then he would have killed you by now.”

I pulled away from her. “Not funny. And if that’s your way of cheering me up then I’m not in the mood.”

She smiled as her blue eyes glistened. “Okay. The real reason I want us to go out is because once Ben left to go to work, I went to the pharmacy and bought a test. Two come in a pack. Not sure why you need two when it says they’re 98% accurate. Anyway, we could go for a walk, talk, and then come back here and take it or them.”

I smiled, thinking about finding the truth and wanting to put it all off for a little while longer.

“I could do with a coffee and a walk.”

“Do you need the bathroom?”

“I did, but for some reason, the idea of only going to the bathroom to pee for the test has made me not want to pee. Sounds weird, but it’s true. You know, as if it’s had the reverse effect on me.”

“Makes sense.”

It didn’t, but I wanted to go for a walk, maybe have a coffee and I couldn’t remember the last time I had gone to Starbucks. We held each other’s hands and she kissed mine. The temptation to tell her everything about Ricardo crossed my mind. I knew if she knew, she would make me take the test, go to an abortion clinic, and would insist I leave the house tomorrow. She saw the romantic side of Ricardo because it was the picture I’d painted for her. I didn’t want her to think of him as anything else but a gentleman. She knew he was a mobster and far from a gentleman, I didn’t want her to know things he’d done because I knew she would think less of me.

She wouldn’t say it to my face, but I would be able to see in her clear blue eyes, nothing but pity. She would think of me as the small town, Iowa girl who fell in love with the gangster because she was desperate to be loved. No more would I be considered her best friend, far from it. I would be considered a lovesick fool.

* * *

The moment of truth was about to reveal itself. We’d had coffee at Starbucks, then a glass of wine at a bistro and then back to another Starbucks. I felt as if I had to have another one after having the wine. One glass wouldn’t hurt, even if I was pregnant and besides, I needed it.

I had the strength of a bull, I kept telling myself as I kept staring at the pack. I can do this.

“Do you want me to come in there with you?” Jen asked as I stood in front of her bathroom.

“In the bathroom? Nah, I’m good. I know we share a lot of things, but this is one thing we can cross off the list.”

She nodded her head. “If you need me, shout. I’ll be right outside.”

“Here goes nothing,” I said as I shut the door and walked in. This would be it, the time I’d find out if I was carrying his baby or not. I shut the door, then I slowly started to unravel the packet. I put it to the side, then I read the instructions.

“Pee on the stick, two lines pregnant, one line not. Got it,” I said my hands trembled as I skimmed over all the mumble-jumble and got to the main facts I needed to do this. I decided not to bother with the second packet. They said only to use it if no lines showed on the first.

I took the stick out of the wrapper, pulled down my panties, and headed to the toilet. Then I tried to sit down and position myself so I could do it properly. It was a shame they didn’t have instructions on how to pee and hold the stick, I thought as I finally positioned myself in a way I could pee and hold the stick in the right position. There was only one problem, I didn’t feel the need to pee. One Frappuccino, one mocha and a glass of wine, and I didn’t feel the need to pee. Oh, and not forgetting the soda I had in the limo on the way there. Either way, I’d had enough liquid inside of me to start a tidal wave, yet nothing was happening and my arm was getting tired from supporting my weight.

“How’s it going on in there?” Jen asked from beyond the door, and I realized when she said she would wait outside the door, she meant it. I could hear her so clearly as if she was in the bathroom with me, my eyes glanced up to make sure she hadn’t opened the door.

“I can’t pee. It’s not flowing.”

“Run the tap, always makes me want to pee.”

I shook my head, at the idea she would want to make herself pee, why would anyone want to do that? Unless she had something to tell me, too. Okay, I would ask her later for now the focus would be on peeing, and the focus would be on finding out one way or another.

I nearly tripped as I tried to get up, even though I wasn’t sitting properly on the toilet. As soon as I did, I stretched out a bit, and then like magic it started to work, I had to rush back to the toilet, in the position I was in, after running the water because it was flowing like a river. I remembered it said I shouldn’t put the first part of the pee on the stick, but the mid part. How the hell do you know what is the mid part of the pee?

I decided it was time before the pee stopped flowing.

“It’s happening!”

I shouted at Jen and she cheered on the other side of the door.

“Yes! Yes!”

Then, I stopped peeing, and I had this big relief, as I carefully put the stick on top of the toilet and got myself ready to meet Jen outside and we would figure out the moment of truth.

Five minutes.

It felt like the longest five minutes of my life.

“Is it?”

She pointed to the stick I had in my hand as if it was a precious jewel. I nodded and we stood frozen, just staring at it. We could have sat down, but I couldn’t get over the fact it was my pee on the other side of the stick.

“One line,” she whispered. “But you need two, right?”

I nodded, thinking she was knowledgeable about the whole process and if she bought two packs for me, or if one of the packs was for herself.

“Two lines,” I whispered as I looked up at her blue eyes, and it was clear she was going to cry, but I didn’t have the same anxiety as she had because it had already dawned on me there would be two lines. It had the moment my body refused to urinate and it continued before the test showed me the results which were in front of my eyes.

I was speechless, feeling stupid for being so careless.

“This is good news. It’s a baby, right. I don’t even know why I’m crying. Sorry. This is good, right.”

Again, I nodded, and she wrapped her arms around me. I hugged her so tight because I was completely lost. What was I going to do? I was knocked up by a guy I wasn’t technically with, but he’d given me a ton of money, and I was due to go to his dad’s funeral tomorrow.

I’d tell Ricardo after then. Tomorrow we’d get the funeral out of the way, and after then we’d figure out what to do. Or rather I would, depending on how he would react to the chain of events. Jen was right, a baby was a good thing. If his dad wasn’t the Mexican Mafia King.

It was time to bury him at the back of his house, the one I hadn’t stepped foot in since the moment he died. The same graveyard my mom was buried in, and the one I would be buried in when I died. I needed a bloodline, so he could be buried in the same spot.

I wasn’t even sure if Juan or Diego were going to show up. I hadn’t seen them in days. I knew one thing for sure; I had to apologize. I had to swallow my pride and tell them I was sorry. I just hated to do it.

Mierda!

No one had taken money out of my account. I’d done the transfer like Diego had said. No one had done anything wrong to me, and I’d gone out of my way to treat them all like shit. Yet, I couldn’t swallow my pride to admit it, but I knew after today, I would be back to normal. Back to being in the business, and back to taking care of things. I had to bury the old man and get it over and done with.

I even sent invites to Frank and Marta, I wanted them to come, so we could all grieve as one. We were more than a team, we were a family and I’d treated them like shit was what family did at times. They didn’t treat each other well, and I’d been guilty of doing it. I hated myself for it, but I would make it up to them. I swore on my life I would.

“You ready?” Adrianna asked as she stood by the door. She’d been quiet ever since she came back this morning, she said she wanted to stay the night at Jen’s, as Jen had some bad news. I could have done with her company, but I didn’t want her to think she had to come back here, I wanted her to do it of her own free will.

“Are you sure nothing happened yesterday? You don’t look great; so sad as if…”

She sighed. “Thanks. We are going to a funeral. I feel sad I never met your dad, and I think I ate something bad last night. I told you over breakfast.”

Adrianna was shit at lying, I knew she was lying to me yesterday when she left. I hoped she would tell me the truth this morning, but again she continued to lie. I didn’t know what was going on, but I knew she couldn’t keep it a secret.

She looked like a wife in mourning with her long black dress, veil, and black hat. No one would ever know she’d never met Pa. She had such a sad look on her face and shadows under her eyes as if she hadn’t slept all night.

“Let’s go.”

She nodded. “People are all waiting downstairs, I think we’re a little late.”

I would say something to her, as I walked up to her, but she took my hand and held it so tight. The way she was acting, anyone would have thought it was her dad who’d died, and not mine.

* * *

We all arrived back at the house, the reception was underway and in true Mexican style, it was a party. The men loved it, as it was an excuse to get drunk without their wives telling them they couldn’t get drunk because it was inappropriate. It was appropriate at a funeral, if anything, it was traditional.

As for the women, they served food and gossiped about everyone’s husband, as was the tradition and Pa would have been proud today. No one had let him down. They’d kept up their side of the deal.

“Jefe, can we talk?” Juan asked as he appeared by my side. I was by the door leading out to the garden, watching everyone dance and have a good time.

I was about to go and look for Adrianna, but I was happy Juan came, so I left with him. I could tell by the direction he was walking in he was going to the conference room.

I did spot the whole gang at the funeral and thanked them for coming. They said their condolences and I was happy to have them there, but then after the old man was laid down in the ground, the day went fuzzy for me. I didn’t remember leaving the house, how I got here or if I’d even eaten today. Everything felt as if I was floating in a cloud, lying down and not observing the day, or being a part of it.

My heart skipped a beat as soon as he opened the doors and she was sitting there beside Diego. My eyes moved to Juan, who was too busy closing the door. I slowly walked in, no one said a word, both Marta and Frank who sat on the other side, holding hands, a sign they were officially an item as my eyes moved back to her.

“Siéntate!” Diego commanded.

On any other day, I would have scolded and told him he couldn’t tell me what to do in my own home. But today wasn’t that day. I felt as if I’d been ambushed, and I hated the idea of it.

“What is she doing here?” My words were directed at Diego, my voice was shaking as if a memory in the form of a flash appeared in my mind.

“I came to put everything to rest. For you to know I know the truth and my job is done. You wasted my time Mr. Ruiz, and I didn’t like it. But Diego tells me you are not well,” Vedova Nera purred as she said his name. “Maybe you truly forgot all you did, and this whole thing wasn’t a scam.”

I choked. “Scam. You took my money to find Pa’s killer, and you didn’t find him. Who’s the scammer?”

Vedova Nera nodded. “You are.”

I couldn’t believe she hadn’t done her job, and she was trying to blame me. I was speechless.

“Jefe. We know you are suffering, we know you think what you did to Pa was wrong, but you need to let go. We brought Vedova Nera here to help you.”

“Help? Me?”

“Prima, basta!” Marta cried. “No more. We know Pa was a monster, and it must have been hard for you. You went after him after confronting him about Ma. He confessed to you or something.”

I didn’t know what they were talking about, my eyes were darting between them all one-by-one as they spoke, and told me a story, one I’d kept buried in my mind.

Jose said, “We helped clean it up and make it look like some jealous lover did it, to protect you, but you need to either go to the police and confess or let someone take over the business.”

I jumped up, I was in a fucking rage thinking about all the things they were saying and the memories I had about finding my dad were wiped out and replaced with ones of me killing him.

“I loved Pa.”

“Sí.”

Juan put his hand on my shoulder, “We know, but he went too far, over the years he started doing more shit, stuff was out of line, what you did was a good thing.”

“But the shit with Gold, you got me scared, Primo. I felt as if maybe you were going down the same line as the old man. ‘Cause this was how it starts, the odd crazy shit and then it escalates, this is what Tio Pete told me. The blood, the lies, the crimes all get to some of the great ones eventually until they cross a line and insanity starts to fold in. We don’t know if you fell or hit your head. Both Juan and I found you with the old man all carved up and shit. You were lying on the floor and we told you to leave. Told you we would sort it out. We did, and the next day, Silvia his housekeeper found his body and reported his death, not you. Not like you’ve been telling people. I’ve watched you talk about finding his body and I’m like, is he for real? Is he lying? Both Juan and I were confused until we went to talk to some doctor about it. He said you could have hit your head and you’ve repressed the memory of what happened that day. The trauma’s so bad your mind blocks it, and it creates a fake reality. This is what you’ve been doing. You’ve been living a lie for weeks, and you need to wake up from it.”

I challenged him. “Or else. What are you going to do about it?”

“We’ve agreed if you can’t move on from it, then Diego will take over,” Frank said. “You don’t go to the office and you’ve had no dealing outside of this house. Who do you think has been doing all your business? We’ve been telling people you’re solving your dad’s murder. But we all know how this shit works, there’ll come a time, especially after what happened with Mario. Someone, somewhere outside of these four walls will do some digging, and you don’t even want to know what will happen next. Besides, Diego’s practically been running things since you’ve been indisposed. It just makes sense for him to run everything now.”

Wow, they had it all figured out. They were trying to say I killed my Pa, and Diego should take over, and I should just naturally take a step down. He was the one who wanted to take over, and it seemed he had his lifelong wish, he was going to take over everything and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I could fucking shoot them all down, but what good would do? No one would fucking work with me again. My reputation would be completely flawed. Everyone would know I killed my Pa and my whole gang…who the fuck would want to work with a mad man? I struggled to take off my tie, ripped my jacket off and said, “Go on big man, Diego. Take over. That’s what you want.”

He shook his head. “I don’t want it. I want you to be better, I want you to do what you need to do, to be well.”

I laughed. “What, go to a therapist? Tell them I fucking killed Pa and I can’t kill anyone else or run a drug, money laundering business anymore because I’m feeling guilty? You expect me to do that?”

Frank answered for him. “We expect you to step down. Just do it. It’s all we ask.”

Diego said nothing, as Marta started to cry. No one spoke, they were waiting on me, and all I could think about was having a drink as my hands started to shake from withdrawal symptoms. They did that sometimes if I skipped my morning shot, or afternoon one. I wanted it to end, to have a drink. I didn’t give a fuck what they did, they’d decided it all without me. They weren’t asking me to step down but telling me to do it.

I couldn’t resist anymore, so I did what I was good at doing. I fucking left.

As I stood and swung the doors open, Adrianna stood. I had a feeling she was looking for me, I felt as if I was going to explode. Every part of me was sweating, from my head to my toes. My heart was beating out of control, as I’d seen what I did that night and it made me sick, so sick I couldn’t even vomit because I hadn’t eaten all day.

“Ricardo, we need to talk,” she said as she grabbed my arm, and a faint smile appeared on her face as she saw me.

“Not now!” I barked and moved away from her. I needed to get as far away from this house as possible.

“No, we need to talk,” she said following me out to the front. She didn’t know I had no intention of going back into the house. My plan was to get in my car and get the fuck out of here.

Mierda!

I had to go to the garage, of course, all my cars were parked in there because of the funeral. I would usually have one out front, but with the guests and everything, Ferd suggested I kept them in the garage.

Adrianna was still following me, I knew she would get tired eventually and give up, as I headed back into the house, and down the steps to the underground garage.

“Adrianna, go back inside. I’ll be back later.”

“When? We need to talk now. I’ve held it in too long.”

I ignored her, even as I knew she was now ready to reveal her secret. I wasn’t in a position to listen to it. I didn’t say anything as I tried to figure out which car I was going to use. I pressed the button to open the garage door, took a jacket from one of the bikes hung above it.

This gave Adrianna time to catch up, she was out of breath as she stood by me, and I was on the bike ready to leave.

“What is it?”

“I’m pregnant.”

We both stood there as I looked at her, she rubbed her belly as if to confirm what I’d heard. I couldn’t deal with this shit. If it was any other day then I would wrap her in my arms and tell her I loved her. Yet, this wasn’t any ordinary day. I had buried my father, only to find out I was the reason for his death. Nothing more could be dealt with right now, and if Adrianna knew she was giving birth to a baby whose father had killed his own, then she wouldn’t be smiling the way she was doing right now. She would run as far away from me as possible if she knew the monster she was carrying inside of her.

I put on my helmet and left her, and there was no looking back. I didn’t know if I would come back, and to make matters even worse, I didn’t care.