ROSALINE
Who the hell does he think he is!? Thoughts flooded my head, none of which I could process because as I stared up ahead, my mother was the first person my eyes landed on. My jaw clenched, and I darted my eyes to his side, watching the blank expression on his face. And for a moment there, I was back to wanting to knock it off his face.
"Do you think you're helping me by doing this?" I asked in a rush, fumbling with the seatbelt. My fingers almost couldn't control themselves, and the cold air made me feel stiff. It was funny how one could share a beautiful moment with someone, and then end up ruining it like this.
"I didn't know you hated the idea so much," he responded without looking at me. He motioned his head in her direction- my mother and I scanned her, feeling that tinge of self-pity wash over me again. "Look at how excited she is to see you. That should count for something."
"Shut up," I barked at him, though I knew he was right. I hadn't been the best daughter since the wedding. I'd ignored her calls and text messages, but not just because I wanted to. I didn't know how to take up the discussion with her yet.
What should I say? Mom, you sold me into marriage and gifted me a necklace that belonged to Julie just to seal the deal? Even the mere thought of it left a bitter aftertaste in my mouth.
"The next time you do something like this, we might have to sign unfriendly papers. Let's finish what you started, Gerald. Thank you for this absolutely unsolicited opportunity!"
Was I being too hard on him? Honestly, I didn't care at that moment. I still had a lot of processing to do before meeting for dinner like this. I got out of the car and slammed the door behind me, charging towards the entrance where she stood, her body wrapped with a soft woolen sweater. It was unbelievably cold outside.
Why was she waiting? My stomach squeezed with every step, and my feet seemed to glue to the floor. I walked faster but didn't seem to be getting any closer.
I recognized that look on her face more than anything. A little bit of regret, followed by a little bit of I miss you and several apologies. I wasn't sure I wanted to hear any of that. Now I was before her, Gerald following behind me shortly. I racked my brain in desperation for what to say, but my brain had shut down, completely blanked out.
My grip around my purse tightened, and so did my lips. We were having some kind of staring contest until she wrapped her hand around me and pulled me into a hug. It was warm, the kind of warmth that spread from the tip of my hair to my toes. My mother's hugging magic hadn't faded; that was something.
I didn't reciprocate, but I enjoyed it. No, I needed it. I could feel the knots in my chest fall into separation, and a strong sense of relief washed over me. Eventually, she pulled away, cupping either side of my cheeks in her hands.
"I missed you, my love..." She said in a soft voice, and I startled back, getting annoyed all over again. The minimum talk I deserved tonight was an apology. She peeked behind me, looking at Gerald, and her lips curved into a smile. "Thank you so much for bringing her. I owe you one."
He'd barely responded when I scoffed. "It's all business, isn't it? An eye for an eye. Owe me, I owe you. Funny..."
I had no idea why I was being this way, but it stung being so uncomfortable in the midst of people who should be family. Neither of them said a word, but it'd be a lie if I said I didn't see my mother's eyes swell with tears. Lumps materialized in my throat, and the cold air submitted to deep, discomforting warmth. We both knew that we needed to talk about this, or neither of us would have peace.
"Gerald, please go in," My mother said. "We'll join you in a while."
He nodded, glancing in my direction before slipping past us and heading for the door. My body sizzled, and my gaze seemed to be glued to the floor. Looking into her eyes will bring out a weakness in me that I didn't want anyone to see, ever again. My mother reached for my hand and held it. "Rosaline..."
I yanked my hand away in the gentlest way I could think of. From the way her eyes twitched, I didn't think it was that gentle. "We can go in, Mother, and have dinner like you want. We don't have to pretend and talk about anything."
"My precious daughter," She cooed. "You have changed a lot. It feels like I haven't seen you in years." Adoration filled her eyes as she spoke. I'd love to surrender and submit to the love and care vulnerability might bring me; then again, the pain was always the best reminder. "I'm sorry, Rosaline. I..."
Wow. That didn't feel nearly as good as I thought it would. It felt bland and insincere. The worst of it all, it didn't make my heart hurt less. "It's fine, let's go in."
She pulled me back, stopping me in my tracks. "Wait, wait, please..." The words quivered from her mouth. I was desperate to stand my ground, or I might become even more of a crying mess than she was. "My love, I want you to know that I want the best for you. Yes, we initiated the wedding for the good of the companies, and I- I should have told you about it, but..."
I watched her pant as tears spilled from her eyes, lining her cheeks. "We shouldn't have forced you into it. We shouldn't have initiated the proposal-"
"When were you going to tell me?"
"Tell you what?"
I exhaled, "When were you going to tell me that her killer is still out there, Mother?" The words strained from my throat, taking all the air in my lungs with it. "When? When were you going to tell me that Julie's killer hadn't faced justice? What wasn't a lie!?"
"I didn't..." She released a shuddered gasp, still clinging to me. "We didn't want you to worry. We wanted to... handle it quietly so it doesn't affect you. We know how much you loved your sister, Rosa. It would have destroyed you."
"AND YOU GAVE ME HER NECKLACE!" I raged, sucking my bottom lips into my mouth to keep me from crying. "You gave me her necklace all because you wanted him to see it on me and give me the slightest bit of affection! Who the hell does that to their own daughter, Mom? I get it, I get it. Julie was the favorite child, the joy of the family, and I swear I loved her too, but why do I have to suffer so much for merely being who I am!? It is frustrating, mother! I AM FRUSTRATED!"
I yelled at the top of my lungs, completely ignoring the presence of the security guards or maids around. I shouted so loudly that my larynx could rip, but it was necessary. I needed to get all of it out in order to feel better.
"I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," She continued to mutter as she relentlessly tried to hold me. "I never knew my actions would make you feel this way. I'm so sorry! Please, forgive me. I'm so sorry!"
Such an easy word to throw around. "You could have told me, you know? You could have told me you needed me to marry him, and I'd have done it anyway. I'd do anything to help Father's company. I'd do anything to support you two. But you didn't, and let me find out how much of a deception this was in the worst possible way. It's... not fair. It isn't fair."
My mother killed this distance between us, and she held my forearm, thereby pulling me close. "I should have known better, my darling. I panicked and made horrible decisions out of fear. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry."
I realized I wasn't even mad at my father as I hadn't expected anything from him. I was mad at her because I had expectations of her, from the kind of bond we shared at given times.
My parents never belonged to the category of those on the affectionate side. Rather than vacations and ice creams, it was tutorials after school, and business majors interwoven with law. They'd always been like that- so business-driven and ambitious that it maddened me. Despite this, I still expected her to be different, even if it was just a little bit.
She cried hard, her body trembling against mine, and I became the comforter, fading away in my own discomfort. "It's okay," I said lowly. "It has happened, and I'm married now. The company is okay, so it's fine, mother. Let's go in. Dad and Gerald must be waiting."
She looked at me and sniffled. "Yes, you're right. Let's go in." She wiped her face with the hem of the sweater. "I'm sorry I hurt you, my love. I'd do everything I can to make up for it."
"That won't be needed," I patted her back, leading her inside. "I'm fine now, let's let it go."
Maybe I could let it go; perhaps I couldn't. I didn't know either. We both walked in. The once-familiar corners of this house had become vaguely distant, and I strolled around like a visitor. It hadn't even been that long.
We got to the dining table, meeting my father and Gerald immersed in some talk. I didn't need a soothsayer to tell me it was business, probably because they had several papers scattered on the table.
"It's time to put those away," My mother instructed as she pulled out a seat for me next to Gerald. "Now, let's have dinner like a normal lovely family."
"Ah, yes, a lovely family," I responded with my tongue on my teeth and a half-hearted smile, taking the seat next to Gerald without sparing him a glance. "It's so nice to be here after such a long time. So what's happening? What calls for this occasion?"
I grabbed a glass of water and slowly brought it to my lips while the maids paraded the table and served us. My father made eye contact with me from the other side of the table and smiled mildly. "It's a rather joyous occasion seeing you so happy and comfortable with someone who is not us. Gerald must have done well to earn that."
I almost choked on the water, but I maintained my cool, slowly placing the glass back and wiping my lips with a serviette. Great. This was just great.
"I'm surprised, too," My mother added, "And they look perfect together. He's such a gentleman."
My trust issues had eaten so deep that I was beginning to think they were patronizing him for a reason. What was it? Were they seeking another deal? Was this another business proposal knocking? I hadn't realized I'd been tapping my legs rapidly until his warm hands reached my thighs.
Gerald touching me again... Under the table. It all sent the wrong signals to my brain, and I wanted to jerk away the moment I felt his hand. If he kept this up, then the anxiety he was trying to reduce would only skyrocket.
Oh, God. His hands tapped rhythmically on my legs in an effort to calm me, but I only grew wilder on the inside. "You flatter me," he said to them. "Rosaline is the one who deserves all the accolades."
He was doing it again. That thing where I didn't know if he was flirting with me, or just saying things for them to believe.
My mother nodded proudly, her lips wide with a satisfied grin, and I wondered where the crying woman of five minutes ago had disappeared to.
"Oh," My father moved his brows. "That I'm aware of! Which is why I am giving her this..." he reached into his briefcase next to his seat and passed me an envelope. "She deserves it."
I was curious as to what it was. I took the envelope from him and opened it slightly. I brought out a letter from inside, and my eyes widened upon reading its content.
An admission letter with my name on it, inviting me to take over Julie's previous position in his company. A position that had been left vacant for four years.
What the hell?