CHAPTER 92
CHAPTER 92
Sunday September 6th
Woo!
Mum won the bingo last night and wants to buy a ‘family memory’.
So she’s taking us on an all-inclusive holiday.
She told Dad, ‘See. It pays to gamble.’
Dad put on his glasses, got out his calculator and added up everything Mum’s spent on bingo over the last ten years. It was enough to buy three holidays.
But Mum’s mood wouldn’t be dampened. She told him his calculator was always getting things wrong, and reminded him of the cherry brandy order that’s still propping open the cellar door.
A holiday will be lovely, but going away with my parents has downsides.
For a start, Mum is so LOUD. And she wears teeny bikinis and fluorescent hot pants.
Also, Mum and Brandi don’t believe in sun cream. They think turning slapped-face red proves they’ve been on holiday. So everyone knows we’re British and tries to sell us things.
Dad always reads up on the local culture and bores us to death with a load of pointless facts.
(‘Did you know that feta is a native Greek cheese?’)
Brandi is ‘well chuffed’ about the trip. She ran right out to buy spray tan and travel miniatures.
Laura wasn’t sure at first. But Mum and Dad are booking an extra suitcase for her study books, so she said okay.
Mum is already talking about holiday clothes. She’s packing her day-glo pink dress from Cyber dog – the one even Brandi tells her off for wearing.
Dad said, ‘Oh that’ll look a treat at the disco.’
It’s like neither of them know she’s fat.
I suppose it’s quite sweet in a way.
Monday September 7th
AWESOME news!
Laura told Zach about the holiday, and he’ll put us up in any Dalton hotel free of charge. All we have to do is choose a location.
Mum and Brandi spent hours on the Dalton Hotel website ‘oooing’ at pictures.
They’ve decided we should go to Dubai, because it is ‘hot as f’ and we can go on a camel ride.
Dad was happy because he wants to find out more about the history of cinnamon.
I’m a little bit nervous.
I have visions of Mum in pink Lycra, barging into the posh hotel restaurant and asking if they have tomato ketchup.
Still. We’ll have a laugh. And a posh hotel will be nice.
Last time we went away it was to an all-inclusive resort and it was a bad idea.
Mum and Brandi started drinking at 11am every day.
And Mum got in trouble for filling her handbag with chocolate chip cookies and apple strudel from the buffet.
Tuesday September 8th
Googled Dubai today.
Getting a bit nervous. Apparently Arabic people dress very conservatively.
I tried to tell Mum, but she just laughed and said, ‘If you think you’re getting me in a one-piece swimming cossie you’ve another thing coming. I’m only fifty-five. I’m not dead yet.’
Wednesday September 9th
Saw a documentary last night about wheat and now it ALL makes sense.
Wheat is the reason I weigh so much! It’s been bloating me and stopped me digesting properly.
Decided to go wheat-free until the holiday.
Althea’s going to do it with me. She says she’s known for a long time about how damaging wheat can be for the digestive tract. ‘Not to mention the fuckingplanet.’
Had a vegetable omelette for breakfast. No toast with it.
Mum was cooking chocolate croissants, but I stayed strong.
11am
It’s amazing how many foods have wheat in them. Even that squeezy yellow mustard.
7pm
Had a wheat frenzy.
Ate a Warburton’s thick-slice cheese sandwich, two packets of Iced Jems (feel bad about that because they’re for Callum’s packed lunch), a Findus crispy pancake and a bowl of super noodles.
I’ve decided that denial isn’t the way forward. As soon as you can’t have something, you want loads of it.
Phoned Althea and she’s decided the same thing. She’d just eaten a cream-cheese bagel and a packet of chocolate bourbons.
Flying to Dubai TOMORROW!
Can’t find my new swimming costume.
Thursday September 17th
Great trip.
Bit of a shame it was Ramadan and all the restaurants were closed.
Lucky Mum bought enough Pringles and Toblerone from duty-free to see us through.
Spent a lot of time on the beach, being sprayed with Evian water. That was nice.
Katy ate a lot of sand. She loved playing in the shallows, giggling and slapping water with her hands.
Wish I’d found my swimming costume before the trip though.
The hotel shop only sold ‘birkinis’ – those things for Muslim women that cover your legs and arms.
I had to borrow one of Brandi’s costumes – a sheeny silver G-string bikini that cut big grooves into my hips and back.
We did manage a trip to the old town, but it got too much – everyone staring at Mum and Brandi in their bikini tops and denim cut-offs.
I tried to tell them about the modest Muslim culture, but neither of them were prepared to risk their suntan (meaning sunburn) by covering up.
Zach flew out for a day to see Laura!
Awwwww …