CHAPTER 91

CHAPTER 91
Saturday August 29th

Real Ale Festival at the pub this weekend.

Dad spent all morning lugging ale barrels around, while Mum drank half pints from each of them.

After lunch, I picked up Nana Joan. She loves the Real Ale Festival.

I set her up in the shade with a pint of cloudy cider and Katy on her lap. But she wanted to be nearer the band.

So Dad showed Katy how well his raspberries are growing, while Nana sat by the stage stamping her feet.

When I took Nana home she was a tiny bit worse for wear, but happy. I had to help her into bed and got covered in sparkles from her party dress.

Sunday August 30th

The pub is PACKED.

The whole village is downstairs, drinking ales with funny names like Rat’s Piss and Bishop’s Foreskin.

Mum tried every one of the thirty on offer. Then she got all shouty and called the vicar a ‘massive fucking hypocrite’ for drinking on a Sunday.

The vicar started swearing back, and Dad had to intervene. After years of running a pub, he’s good at calming people down. Even the vicar, who has major anger management issues.

Monday August 31st

Summer Bank Holiday

Mum claimed she wouldn’t drink any ale today.

Then Dad put out a new barrel out called ‘Morning Sparkle’ and she said, ‘Oh go on, I’ll try it then.’ And had a big tankard full with her cornflakes.

I’ve lost six pounds!

It must be the running. Because it’s certainly not my diet.

Not after a weekend of beer and sausages.

Tuesday September 1st

Nick came over today to see Katy.

It was pretty awkward.

He was supposed to come at 1pm, but didn’t turn up until 3pm.

He’d been rowing with Sadie, apparently. She’s being ‘pregnant and mental’, to use Nick’s words, and wasn’t happy about him seeing Katy.

Nick spent twenty minutes chucking Katy into the air and saying, ‘Say Dadda! Say Dadda!’ But then Katy got tired and started grizzling. He panicked and asked what was wrong with her.

I said she was just tired.

He said, ‘How do you know things like that?’ As if I was some magic oracle.

Then he gave me his puppy-dog eyes and said, ‘I miss this, you know. You fix things.’

I remained all aloof and snooty and asked when he’d be coming to see his daughter again.

Nick did his guilty head-scratching thing and said he couldn’t commit because of ‘Sadie’s hormones’. But he’d be in touch soon.

Wednesday September 2nd

Katy’s birthday in a few days.

My maternity pay has been successfully transferred to my new bank account, so I can finally pay my way now.

Also, found a stash of department store vouchers so bought Katy some bits and pieces.

Just a few things.

A baby princess outfit. A rag dolly and alphabet blanket. Mini ballet shoes and tutu, baby tiara, personalised dressing gown with her name on it, personalised hooded bath towel (that came half-price with the dressing gown). A silver christening bracelet and necklace. And then a few toys – a Noah’s ark playset, pull-along horsey, V-tech baby walker (that’s pretty much an essential – every baby seems to have one). And then some bath things – splash fun dolphin, Mr Bubbles penguin and a baby grooming kit.

Dad lectured me about how spoiled babies are these days. He grew up with one broken train set and a single football boot, both of which he had to share with his brothers.

Thursday September 3rd

Whenever I think of Nick, I get this sort of aching in my chest. It’s not exactly that I miss him. But … we were together so long.

It’s weird not having him around. It feels a bit like having a leg missing. Except it turns out that leg was kicking me up the arse this whole time …

Friday September 4th

The paternity test arrived today.

Mum tried to smash it up with a beer tap wrench, but I stopped her.

The instructions made the test sound sophisticated, but really it was just a giant cotton bud.

I suppose at least it’s over and done with now.

Saturday September 5th

Katy’s birthday.

Should have been a lovely day, but got all worked up about Nick not calling. I thought at least Helen might call on his behalf. But nothing.

Nick sent presents – a robot dog that you can train with your voice and an ankle-length velvet dress (I know Helen chose that last one because it’s hideous). But that’s not the same as actually seeing Katy in person.

Waited until 8pm, then phoned Nick to say he was a shit bag who missed his daughter’s birthday.

Nick whispered that today had been difficult.

In the background, I could hear Sadie screeching that she wanted ‘Freshfucking grapefruit juice, not the crap from concentrate.’

I think Katy liked my presents. She got a bit irritated in the baby princess outfit and kept pulling off the bracelet and necklace. But she gave the walker a good chew and butted her head against the Mr Bubbles penguin.

Mum bought Katy a Swarovski crystal pacifier that lit up different colours. And a big frilly baby bonnet with roses all over it.

Brandi made a birthday cake covered with bright red ready roll icing.

Laura got Katy a lovely tasteful dress, tights and shoes from Marks and Spencer.

Althea gave us a rainbow cardigan and some jangly bells on a stick.

All in all, I think Katy had a good day. Luckily she’s too young to know that her dad has shacked up with the bridesmaid.