Chapter 76

Wednesday April 15th

Got a massive telling-off from Nick about being rude to his mother.

He’s such a hypocrite! He talks to her like the hired help.

I tried to explain what happened, but he wasn’t having any of it. Just went on about how lucky we are and how grateful we should be for everything his mum does for us.

I blew my top.

I shouted that I wanted a place of our own. That we shouldn’t be relying on his mum like we do.

And then it was the same old, same old. Any day now. My break is coming. It’s SO hard being an actor. Blah blah blah.

While we were rowing, Alex turned up to go running.

Nick said, ‘Oh that’s very mature Juliette. You’re quite literally running of with another man while we’re trying to have an adult discussion.’

But frankly, I wanted to get out of that flat and be around someone who wasn’t an actor and didn’t turn everything into one huge drama.

I think Alex sensed something was up, because he said, ‘Bad day?’

I admitted Nick and I had been rowing.

He asked me if I was having pre-wedding nerves.

I told him no – I’m looking forward to getting married. It will be a clean slate and a new beginning.

Alex said, ‘What a romantic sentiment. And here was I thinking you get married because you love someone.’

I said, ‘I do love Nick.’

Alex said, ‘I know that. I’ve just never had a clue why.’

Friday April 17th

Pretty sure Katy is teething.

She keeps dribbling and smashing her head against things.

The book says this goes on for months.Months?

Mum says not to worry because when the tooth comes through another problem will take its place.

She made a big long list of all the problems I had to come:

Separation anxiety

Night terrors

Molars (then I’ll wish it was the little teeth again)

Opening cupboards

Climbing stairs

Pulling nappies off and throwing them across the room

She added, ‘And it doesn’t necessarily stop when they’re grown up. They could be like Brandi and have a baby at sixteen. Then you’re stuck with them forever.’

Saturday April 18th

I am an AMAZING mum! Katy slept ALL night last night.

ALL NIGHT!

And I jogged TWO miles today! Two whole miles without stopping. For the first time, I actually have hope that I might be able to finish the marathon.

Of course, when I phoned Sadie she said, ‘It’s easier to train now the weather’s warmer. The real marathon will be freezing. You’ve got a long way to go.’

I said it would be easier if my so-called running partner actually showed up.

Sadie said, ‘Look, you know me. I’m terrible with time.’

I said, ‘If you’re terrible with time, how come you’re never early?’

Sunday April 19th

?Katy woke up FIVE TIMES last night.

So tired I’ve lost two cups of coffee today.

Found one in the bathroom, but where’s the other one?

I’ve never loved anything as much as Katy. She is the best thing I have ever seen, heard, touched or smelt. But sometimes – especially at night-time – I want to kill her.

I used to judge those mums who scream at their kids in supermarkets. But now I don’t. Because they’re only saying what I think in my head sometimes.

Couldn’t be bothered to go for a run today. There’s no way I’ll finish this marathon.

Just no way.

Tuesday April 21st

Oh my God, I am totally fed up. Katy woke up at 2am, 4am and 5.30am – at which point she cried until 7am.

I mean, it’s not like I’d give Katy back or anything. She makes my life magical. But when does it end? It’s so gruelling. Every night, not knowing if she’s going to sleep or not. And not being able to stop the crying. And not knowing WHY she’s crying.

What am I doing wrong? WHY WON’T SHE SLEEP!!!

Ate a jumbo bar of Cadbury’s Whole Nut chocolate for lunch. Didn’t mean to, but it was on price promotion at the bookshop.

I went in to buyThe Big Book of Baby Sleep, and they’d put giant bars of chocolate by the cash registers. It’s like they know sleep-deprived mums go in there.

Wednesday April 22nd

Bought more sleep books today. Apparently, a baby Katy’s age should be sleeping all night without waking.

Well it’s alright to SAY that, isn’t it? But how do you make them do it? I mean, what if offering cool boiled water or a dummy doesn’t work at 3am?

Feel very alone today.

I’m a mother. I’m supposed to be the one who fixes things.

But sometimes I just can’t.?

Alex called round for training, but I couldn’t face it.

I was way too tired.

At first, Alex came down hard on me, saying I mustn’t give up and that difficulty is part of every victory.

Then I told him I was having lady problems, and the intercom cut out pretty quickly.

Thursday April 23rd

Sadie came round tonight – not to train, but to show me a new coat she’d just bought.

I was putting Katy to bed and she said, ‘Christ! Are her ribs supposed to stick out like that?’

I said Katy’s ribs were beautiful.

I mean, Callum had big bulging eyes when he was born. Like he was on a Coca-Cola high (which is totally possible – Brandi drank a lot of cola when she was pregnant).

Then Sadie asked where my ‘loser boyfriend’ was, and I had to admit I wasn’t sure. He should have been home hours ago.

Sadie said, ‘That man is a pig. You do know that, don’t you?’

I was too tired to defend Nick yet again. I wish everyone would remember that he’s working really hard. And that he’s doing his best for us.

Have spent all evening worrying about Katy’s ribs.

Friday April 24th

3am

Googled ‘baby ribs’.

All that came up were BBQ rib recipes.

Actually quite fancy some Chinese food now.

9am

SO tired. But promised I’d see Nana Joan, so have made myself Brandi’s ‘wake-up special’ – four spoons of instant coffee blended with milk and a chocolate Boost bar.

1pm

I love my nana! She just refuses to age gracefully. Today, she was doing boxercise with the other old people.

I held punch pads for Nana’s new boyfriend – a kindly-faced man, who Nana boasts has ‘all his own hair and teeth’. He really likes Nana, but she was eyeing up a new resident – a man with his own electric wheelchair.

After boxercise, we helped Nana do her shopping. The care home gives her meals, but they’re a bit too boring.

Loaded her trolley with pepperoni pizza, steak, bacon and alcoholic lemonade.

When we got back to the care home, Nana showed me a ‘cracking dress’ she’d bought me on eBay.

It was fluorescent pink, Lycra and skintight.

I said thanks, but I didn’t really have the figure for that kind of thing anymore.

Nana said, ‘What are you talking about, Jules? I’d kill for your figure. Anyway, this is a body-con dress. These black bits slim you down.’

To demonstrate, she put the dress on and said, ‘Well if you don’t wear it, I will.’

Mum and Nana love their figures, wobbles and all.

I used to be more like that. Before I had Katy.

Nana and I talked about the wedding flowers, and the fact Nick hasn’t bought them yet.

Nana said, ‘Don’t wait around for a man to buy you flowers. Plant your own frigging garden.’

Saturday April 25th

Took Katy to ‘Saturday Singing’ at Great Oakley library today.

All the mums sang with gusto, ‘Little Peter Rabbit has a fly upon his nose!’ in perfect Judy Garland voices.

I mumbled along, like when I have to sing hymns at a wedding.

Katy loved the songs and chewing the cymbals.

ALL the babies Katy’s age were rolling over. I’m a bit worried. What if something’s wrong?

When we got back to London, I thought I should continue Katy’s musical education.

I put on ‘Bangin’ Club Anthems’ and did animated rave dancing.

Helen appeared, arms folded, while I was jumping up and down with Katy and shouting ‘TUUUNE!’

I wish she wouldn’t sneak in like that.

She raised a skinny black eyebrow and said, ‘Age appropriate?’

I told her all music helped with developmental brain stuff.

Helen winced and said I’d teach Katy to be ‘a terror’ if I wasn’t careful.

Then she dropped anYves Saint Laurent bag on the sofa, saying she’d bought Nick a new suit.

She looked around the apartment and said, ‘Christ, what a state. Hasn’t Juan been this week?’

I have to admit the place did look a mess.

I’d taken all the cushions off the sofa and made a sort of nest for Katy. There was mashed-up rice cake all over the floor too.

I wanted to say to Helen, ‘You were a mother once weren’t you?’

But Helen is one of those hideously organised control freak women who lies and says her baby never gave her a moment of trouble.

According to Helen, Nick slept through the night at two months old, ate everything he was supposed to, never cried and ‘appeared to understand concepts far beyond his young years.’

If I didn’t know Nick, I’d imagine him to be a neat-haired child prodigy who bought his mother flowers every week.