Chapter 75
Friday April 10th
Baby book says Katy should be rolling over by now.
Bit worried.
I keep trying to show her how to do it, but she just isn’t interested.
She looks at me all happy, like I’m doing a funny trick.
Althea says Wolfgang rolled over at three months. Probably there was some beef jerky nearby.
Saturday April 11th
Went round Helen and Henry’s today for more wedding planning.
I hate Helen and Henry’s house.
They live in a modern, gated complex for people who think they’re too good to mix with the rest of the village.
It’s not as posh as the big country estates by the fishing lake (where the Daltons live). But it’s posher than the cosy centre of the village where my parent’s pub is.
I quite like Henry, though. How he ended up with Helen I’ll never know. Maybe because she’s quite slim and looks good for her age. It blinded him to the fact that she’s a total harpy.
Henry owns Great Oakley Plastics Factory (which makes toilet roll holders, but Helen says makes aeroplane parts), and is your typical jolly posh man who looks alittlebit like Toad of Toad Hall.
Helen’s always bossing him around.
‘Tuck your shirt in darling. Goodness, you look like a truck driver. You smell revolting darling, do go and have a shower …’
He’s always running round trying to make her happy, but that’s impossible.
They can’t have much of a relationship because Helen is always round our house. She has her evening meal at ours half the time – some horrible fishy salad she eats standing at the breakfast bar.
Helen had a whole list of 36 wedding things to ‘discuss urgently’.
Colour scheme, wedding favours, blah blah.
I let her go through the list, and then I said, ‘You’ve forgotten something. Item number 37. Mind your own business.’
Monday April 13th
Found the best TV program ever!
It’s calledLove Rats. A TV crew film people cheating on their partners, then confront them with the damning footage.
Nick rolled his eyes when he found me watching it. went on about my low-brow taste in television.
I think he’s in a bad mood because it’s the Actors’ Guild party tomorrow and he’s promised to take me along.
He hates me going to his acting classes because I’m too honest.
Nick pretends to be this successful, cosmopolitan London actor, but the truth is his mum owns our flat and he hasn’t had a decent acting role in years.
While Nick was tweezing his eyebrows and nose hair, he told me not to show any baby pictures at the party.
I asked why not.
He said, ‘For all anyone knows I could be in my twenties. The family-man image adds ten years.’
I said, ‘Fine. I won’t show any pictures. As long as you don’t wear your sunglasses indoors.’
He did his theatrical sigh and said, ‘I’ve told you a thousand times. Sunglasses are alook. Speaking of which, don’t you have anything that makes you look … less mumsy?’
I shouted that I was amotherso lookingmumsywas part of the deal.
He said, ‘Fine, okay. Forget it. If you’re just going to get agro.’
Bloody Nick. It’s okay for men. They stay exactly the same after they have kids. Women age ten years overnight.
Tuesday April 14th
Squeezed myself into pre-pregnancy grey skinny jeans for what turned out to be a horrible night.
Couldn’t bend down all evening without making a weird, creaky groaning noise. When I tried to kiss Katy I let out this ‘wheeee!’ sound.
I couldn’t even do the jeans up without an elastic band around the button.
With high heels on I thought I looked alright.
But the effect was lost on Nick.
He said, ‘Why are you walking like a robot?’
While I was getting ready, Katy managed to get hold of the toilet roll. God knows how – I moved everything in our bathroom to eye level ages ago. The shelf is like a game of Jenga – toilet brush, bathroom bin and scales all on top of each other.
I don’t know if Katy ate any toilet roll, but she was definitely giving it a good chew.
Panicked about toilet roll in her digestive system.
Phoned Mum.
She said, ‘Toilet roll? You used to chew your dad’s fishhooks. And you turned out just fine.’
I asked Mum what she thought about Helen babysitting Katy.
Mum said, ‘As long as Katy’s asleep, what difference does it make who’s there?’
I said, ‘But if she wakes up …’
Mum said, ‘She won’t wake up.’
But still, I didn’t like leaving Katy with Helen.
The party was really bad.
It was full of flashy, beautiful people with bleached teeth. They all shouted, rather than spoke.
‘Oh BABY CAKES! I haven’t seen you in FOREVER!’
All the men boomed at each other. ‘Ra Ra! Jonathan! Ra, ra ra!’
And all the women clutched champagne glasses, tossed their hair and admired themselves in the shiny windows.
Just as I was coming out of the loo, I bumped into Sadie. She goes to Actors’ Guild events sometimes, but I didn’t know she was going to this one.
She said, ‘Why didn’t you warn me you and Nick were coming? If I’d have known lizard boy would be working the room in his sunglasses I would have stayed away. Good lord! You’re wearingjeans?Why?’
She was wearing a huge peacock-blue ball gown and holding a feathered masquerade mask in her hand.
Then Helen rang saying I needed to come home.
Katy was wailing like a fire engine in the background.
I felt like my heart was being yanked down the phone line.
My little girl! My little girl!
I shouted that I needed to get home right now.
Sadie put on her sympathetic face. ‘The perils of motherhood. But how will Nick wipe his bottom when you’re gone?’
Nick appeared behind Sadie and said, ‘Speaking of bottoms, I heard yours was photo-shopped forElle. The photographer said he’d never seen an arse with acne before.’
Sadie shouted, ‘I told my agent that was CONFIDENTIAL!’
Got the tube across London and ran to the apartment like a crazy person.
Somewhere on the way home, the rubber band on my jeans snapped.
Helen opened her front door to find a frizzy haired, red-faced maniac with her jeans undone.
I knew I looked bad, because Helen said, ‘Christ almighty!’
Poor little Katy was on her shoulder, totally red in the face, screaming her head off.
Katy reached out her arms when she saw me and fell straight to sleep on my shoulder.
Helen said, ‘If you had a routine, this wouldn’t have happened.’
I said, ‘If you had a maternal bone in your body, this wouldn’t have happened.’
I started crying then. I don’t know why.