Chapter 9

“ **Ciao mi chiamo Elena “**

Nodding my head to myself slightly proud I look down at my notepaper to see what phrase I would say next after the introduction of myself to start a conversation. Recently I picked up Italian to fill my days and free time as a way of turning over a new leaf or starting something new in light of everything going on in my head. Clearing my throat I adjust my posture before giving the next phrase a try..

“ **bella giornata non è vero? “**

I hear footsteps behind me slowly making their way to me and echoing into the room but I choose to pay no mind to them keeping myself focused at the tasks I had in-front of me instead.

“ Is that Italian ? “

It was my mother.. I nod my head in response slightly looking over my shoulder ignoring the cave in my stomach that just formed. When I’m focused on my studies it is the only sense of peace that I have especially in the midst of how clouded my mind has been I wish she could understand but know that she will never and probably could never. I acknowledge her but choose to continue with what I was doing before hand.

“ **e a me “**

I feel my mom slowly come closer before sitting beside me. Staying silent I keep my eyes on what I had infront of me scanning my eyes over every word losing focus but still trying to refrain from looking up at her.

“ We haven’t spoken Helena.. “

Her voice sounded very low and sad when she finally spoke up. Keeping my head down I close my eyes and focus on soothing my nerves. I have always been so close to my mom. She was always the first person I went to about anything and everything. We always talked and we always spent and free time we could with each other. Our relationship was never rough or bumpy up until my coming out, growing up she admired my will to learn and praised me for a woman well educated wasn't too common but once she came to the realization my knowledge and constantly learning something new not only secluded me but became my priority above becoming a wife and mother...putting me in the situation I am in now.

“ this is not like us, and I know it is because of me “

It was because of her. At least she could admit it and not hide from it. That’s what made this harder. She knew what she said and she knew how she made me feel when she said it. But when I really think about it, I don’t know how it truly made me feel. I finally looked up at her and when our eyes met I could see the longing for her daughter in her face, she missed me and I missed her. Looking at her I could tell she knew how hurt I was I just couldn't find the right words to say. I didn’t even know what I wanted to say.

“ Helena, I’m sorry “

She put her hands ontop of mine and we sat in silence.

As Helena and her mother sat in silence she couldn’t help but really evaluate everything. She has been flooded with thoughts of everything going on involving her parents and the Sinclairs but she hasn’t really evaluated it or really took time to dissect everything to understand it or understand how she felt. Helena has not allowed herself to decide how to feel or what she wanted. So it wasn’t fair for her to be so angry or so hurt when she did not understand why she was so angry or so hurt with her mother.

“..it’s okay “

We looked at eachother and my mother gives me a sympathetic smile before bringing me in for a hug.

“ Nothing is more important to me than you girls, I’m sorry for how I spoke to you Helena “

I nodded my head slowly and turned my body completely towards her folding my hands in my lap trying to find a way to say what I was going to say next.

“ The Churchill Ball coming up “

She pierced her lips together and gave me a curious look waiting for what I was going to say next. She turned to face me the same way I was facing her awaiting what I was going to tell her.

“ I had another invitation “

She fixed her posture and gave me a surprised smile before she gestured for me to continue.

“ Well who is this mystery suitor “

I cannot believe I’m about to do this and that I took this invitation even remotely serious..

“..Theo..Theo Sinclair invited me to attend the ball with him “

If my mothers jaw could unhinge and hit the floor it would and if her eyes could explode out of her head I’m sure they would too. She covers her mouth with her hand then puts it ontop of her chest. Clearing her throat then placing her hand back ontop of mine she beams at me.

“ I’m sorry darling I just wasn’t expecting that, that’s wonderful, You decide what you want to do and I will support you I cannot force you to go with Charles “

At the sound of his name my throat goes dry and my heart starts pumping out of my chest. I just smile at my mom and nod my head.

“ Helena I didnt Mean to make you feel as if I was forcing you to- “

“ Let’s not speak of this anymore shall we just enjoy the day? Move on? I am to attend the ball with Theo “

She claps her hands together and nodded with a bright smile silently agreeing with what I said. I truly just wanted to avoid thinking or talking about him whenever I could.

“ Maybe a new dress ? Us ladies can go out to the modiste “

We both stand and go to find my sister Emilia to join us. As we walk out of the room my mother pulls me in for a side hug and a kiss on the head. This felt nice, it felt nice to not feel worried about our bond anymore or feel as if I had to avoid her in our own home. Wandering the halls it felt like we couldn’t find Emilia anywhere, well anywhere we thought she would be. So we’re making our way down the stair case when we hear her laughing ? Along with her voice we heard another deeper chuckle assuming it was my father maybe you could imagine the surprise on both my mother and I’s face when we reached the edge of the staircase and we’re met with..