13 | knight in exchange-3

Something in my chest pulled at his confession, and I shook my head to clear my thoughts. If there was any reason I was revealing the truth, it was for him. Not because of what Marcel had said, or what Ean made me promise. I thought of the consequence of telling him. How, if, he reacted positively and agreed to my proposal, then he was going to get what he'd wanted all this while. He was going to be in. He was going to be happy. And that thought alone was sufficient for me to push on. "I have a solution for you," I began, bracing myself for the aftermath. "You just need to hear me through. And don't get mad, please don't get mad, just hear me out until I'm done." "Why would I get mad at you - " "I'm a potential member of Ursa," the words came out in a rush. And then he fell silent; all was silent. I could hear my heart beat loud in my ears, the blood rushing to my face. It took a tremendous effort to look at him, see the expression on his face shift - from confusion to realisation. He stared at me like he could hardly believe his ears. "Ursa? Isn't that the sorority linked to Corvus? Sister-sorority, so to speak." "Yes." It was merely a word, a simple word, but it had so many different connotations and none of them seemed positive. "But you're not even in Riverton," he stated, still sounding thoroughly confused. But I could see the stiffness in his spine, the wariness in his eyes; perfect body language of a person who'd found out that they'd been lied to. Well, it wasn't a lie - but it was an omission on my part, an omission that could've saved him a lot of pain if I'd just said it in the first place. Sighing, I ran a shaky hand through my hair and tried to meet his probing gaze. "Some months back, before I even met you, I was invited to join Ursa. I didn't even to do well for my SATs for that to happen. I knew the alumnus, I knew the current head, I knew practically anyone and everyone worth knowing. I've known them all my life - you know, having lived at the beach and all - they've seen me grow up and I was practically guaranteed a place in Riverton, so long as I was a part of Ursa. And it wasn't just limited to a place in college. You know how Riverton fraternities and sororities get you connections literally everywhere, right?" He nodded but didn't say a word. The wheels seemed to be turning at a rapid pace in his head, registering every little thing I said. "So if I graduated from Riverton, I could easily get a job from any of the alumnus. Things like these. It was so easy, I had the world - well, a little bit of the world anyway -at my feet and all I had to do was say yes." "Why didn't you?" He asked quietly. "Because I'm stubborn as hell and refuse to have help from anyone," I quipped sardonically, and his lips tilted in a slight amused smile. It was a good enough signal as any - I felt the air rush out from my lungs and I knew how to breathe again. "It was pulling strings to get in, and I didn't want that. I didn't want people to look at me and say, 'oh, look, she didn't get in on her own'. Although back then I didn't think about the alternative - that people were going to point at me and say, 'oh, look, she didn't get into a college'. I was still deliberating a long time after, and I couldn't really make up my mind. Then I met you." Miles's eyes widened. "Me?" he repeated sceptically, and I nodded. "Yeah. And everything fell into place. I knew, for a fact, that I didn't want to be a part of it, any of it. You know that Ursa and Corvus plan their initiation and hazing together. And I thought how I'd have to see you, not just you but others like you, other scared faces and crying faces and disappointed faces, year after year after year. And I wasn't going to be on the receiving end like you are, I was going to be the one doing it to them and fuck, it just pushed me over the edge - " My voice broke off and I shut my eyes when I felt his fingers slide up my arms tentatively. And then he was pulling me towards him, until I was curled up on his lap, my arms wound tightly around his neck, his arms wrapped firmly around my waist. His breath was steady against my skin and I inhaled deeply, breathing in a scent that was purely him. "It's okay," he murmured. I felt his fingers gloss up my spine and down again, up and down, as though they were the only two directions he knew. "It's alright." I pulled back, a frown on my face. "No, it's not," I explained softly. "I am so sorry I didn't tell you this earlier. If I had, I would've saved you a whole lot of trouble." "What do you mean?" "I meant - " and this was the hardest part to say " - if I had accepted a spot in Ursa, I could've pulled strings and gotten you into Corvus. Immediately. No questions asked. It would've saved you a whole lot of trouble. But I didn't because a part of me didn't want to be in Ursa, ever, and another half of me didn't want you to look at me the way you look at them." "I don't look at them any different," he began but I shook my head, a small smile playing on my lips. "Actually, you do. You don't see it but I do. I've seen the way you look at Liam when he comes into the shack, or Marcel. It's the same way you probably looked at the kids who bullied you in middle school. You look at them like they're the fixture of every bad dream you have when you go to sleep," I explained and the hesitation in his eyes told me I was right. I hadn't deciphered him wrongly. "I did, to be honest," he confessed, his cheeks flushing lightly. "I used to have nightmares back in middle school." "Exactly. I didn't want that. But I'm going to fix this, I promise," his eyebrows knitted at my resolute tone and I smiled softly to assuage his worries. "I'll call the sorority and tell them I've reconsidered my decision. It'll probably take a bit of pleading on my part but I'm sure Marcel will help. She's already in Ursa, by the way; she'll be a permanent member when school starts for her. Then when I'll get in, you'll be able to get into Corvus." "Wait, why are you - " "So you wouldn't have to go through the Durden." His eyes widened and for once, he was speechless. Miles seldom spoke much but he always had something to say when the time came for him to speak. This time, however, he was completely silent. There was an undecipherable expression in his eyes, and I was just about to break the silence when he leaned forward and captured my lips with his. This kiss was unlike its predecessors. His movements were neither slow nor calculated, neither testing nor hesitant. Instead, it seemed like he'd let down all his inhibitions and worries for once. The insistence of his lips took me by surprise and I couldn't help but let out a little gasp, to which he immediately used to his advantage and slipped his tongue between my lips, not teasing but gorging on my taste. I was slowly losing myself in this, in him, and previous conclusions that I had things well under control were but fleeting notions. Sifting my fingers through the soft locks of his hair, I let out a shaky breath and kissed him back with every fibre of my being. I felt one of his hands tangle itself in my hair while his other hand gripped my waist tightly, sliding between the crevice where my shirt didn't cover my skin, tracing dangerous patterns with his fingertips. It seemed like he was sending me a message with his lips, spelling out letters and words with his tongue and fingers. And with his tongue and fingertips he seemed to say no shut it all out the world is irrelevant what you said is irrelevant they don't matter nothing matters just listen listen listen: I love you.