I don’t know if everything is real or in my mind. Physically, I see them. I witness them changing but I can’t grapple with any of it. When will the shock go away?
I can’t be one of them. If this is true, then I have an amazing family legacy. A secret legacy, hidden for generations from everyone. I doubt my family could hide something this noticeable.
I still haven’t told them. It’s ridiculous. If I called to discuss this subject, they will question my sanity.
"Just breathe deeply," Johnnie commands as we sit in his small hut.
As one of the oldest members of the pack, he’s been entrusted to show me the way. He has to be the most interesting person I’ve ever met. Not only do I know that he is crazy, completely crazy, but everyone follows his advice and counseling without question.
Slowly opening my eyes, I watch him. Eyes closed, head back, using his hand to help inhale the sage. I pull my lips in, trying hard not to laugh or even smile. This is ridiculous.
I know I shouldn't laugh. I'm just not culturally sensitive. With everything I’ve learned, this is my breaking point. My mind shut down. It can’t process anything new. I really need a mental health day but I don't see that happening.
"Adeline," Johnnie whispers, opening his eyes to see the entertainment in mine, "You have to prepare yourself. You need to feel that this is part of your heritage."
I nod, how else can I respond? If I try to speak, I’ll laugh. In the small chance that this is real, I need all the help I can get. I can’t afford to offend anyone.
To everyone else, this is real, very real. They smell the wolf. The scent is powerful, no one knows why I never shifted. My guess would be that my parents aren’t wolves so neither am I, but I could be wrong.
Johnnie knows my ancestor was full wolf. They either ran from pack life or fell in love with a human and never returned. Their children would have been able to change but any that continued to breed with humans lost the ability to shift.
The situation happens more often than the pack wants to admit. They’re trying to riffle through my history but tracking a lone wolf through an unknown family line is like finding a needle in a haystack.
I wonder which side of my family has the wolf gene. My mother and her four sisters could fit in with the craziness. Even with the wild antics of the pack, my dad and his brothers would still be considered untamable.
"Are you ready for the full moon," Johnnie asks and is met with a nod.
Some myths seem to be based on fact. Werewolves aren't compelled to turn on a full moon but it plays heavily into ceremonies.
The pack elders, whoever they may be, have orchestrated a special event during the upcoming full moon to help me transform for the first time. From what I understand, there will be a large bonfire and with the guidance of the pack, I will wriggle out of my human skin. No one has yet explained what that really means.
Johnnie sighs, realizing that I’m too preoccupied to listen to his instructions. The fear and hesitation must come off as a wonderful musk to everyone around me. I’m human and have never left my flesh. The wolves started turning months after birth. They don’t remember their first transition and I’m sure it is one that I will never forget.
"Leave, Adam will take you back to the lodge.”
After a second of debate, I shrug. One less thing for me to worry about. Adam patiently waits outside. It’s probably for the best that I wasn't able to hear him arriving.
We begin our short walk as Johnnie chants in the distance. It sounds beautiful, even if I can't understand it.
"Did Johnnie help?”
After listening to the resident expert for hours, who’s helped other like me, it hasn’t helped a bit. I feel just as confused now as I did earlier. I’m in a much better mood so I guess he did help in some way.
"What he told you will be necessary," Adam seriously states as he tries to judge how well I received Johnnie's training.
This is the first time I’ve been alone with Adam since he made me drive to the log cabin. I have so many questions but I really don't know who else to ask. I still trust him, even though he stalked me since I arrived in town.
"Why did you spend so much time on my deck?”
I haven’t been back to my apartment since he climbed in the back of my car. The pack removed my possessions and put them in a storage unit the night the wolves revealed themselves. It’s not like I’m being held hostage. They just highly encourage me to stay at the lodge.
The first transition will be difficult. My body isn’t used to the breaking of bones and sinews. Until I have time to adjust, the log cabin is my home. Well, log mansion really, the three-story home could rival almost any log lodge I’ve seen in travel magazines.
"I was trying to figure out if you were messing with me," Adam answers, "I could smell your wolf but from your comment at the restaurant, I thought you didn’t like me. Wolves aren’t so aggressive."
"What about after you figured out that I didn't know anything?"
"I thought by forcing you to interact with wolves it would make you more comfortable when we told you the truth," Adam answers as we connect with two wolves emerging from another path, “I really did enjoy you trying to shoo me from the porch.”
My cheeks color as I stare at my shoes. I know he’s smiling but I can’t look up. Eventually the embarrassment will fade.
Sara bounces across the trail, following close. She is a beautiful human and a gorgeous little grey wolf. Thankfully, she remains a wolf. Nudity is common here but it wasn't part of my childhood. I’m having a little difficulty adjusting.
"The full moon is tomorrow," Adam casually states.
I don't know what to say or do, or think, or feel. I don't know what to expect and my emotions are a roller coaster of chaos. If things go as planned, I will turn into a wolf. But what does that really mean? Will it hurt? Will it seem natural? What if it doesn't happen? What if I get stuck in the middle of transforming? Is that even a possibility?
I have too many unanswered questions. Unfortunately, I’m too curious to consider running away. I want to know the truth, even if I don’t understand everything that comes with it.
Everyone enjoys the buffet dinner as my stomach flips. At least fifty people are staying at the lodge, with rooms available for another few dozen. All shift between wolf and human as they laze around the lodge.
Most leave me alone, except for Sarah and Adam. They’ve tried since I arrived to slowly reveal the truth and they aren’t leaving now. Their biggest mistake was getting completely trashed and shifting in front of me but everyone’s makes bad decisions while drunk.
“It’s not bad,” Sarah says as we sit on the couch, “I’ve seen this dozens of times.”
“Are any of those wolves here?”
Adam hesitantly shakes his head. That isn’t the response I need. Why would this pack invest time turning humans if they don’t stay with the pack? Did they eat them? Maybe this is all a lie.
“Most wolves in the pack don’t live here,” Adam answers.
There’s some truth in his answer but he’s still holding back. Not that I don’t enjoy others telling me what it will be like but they don’t really know. They were born in this world. Someone who’s been in my shoes understands this better than anyone else.
“It’s a long story,” Adam continues making me more hesitant.
“Why wouldn’t they come?”
Adam uncomfortably shifts. His body language is open but he’s guarding the facts.
“They feel that this is your experience,” Adam begins, “They don’t want to bias your decision. Most felt betrayed by what we did. Even if you can change, it doesn’t mean that the rest of your family can. The whole experience can be… isolating.”
The conversation shifts as more people join us. I don’t want to talk and no one makes me. My mind is too full of thoughts for any words to get out.
Adam’s gaze feels like it’s burning a hole through me but I can’t look at him when I’m seriously considering running away. There are too many wolves around. I’m sure I’d get just about as far as I did the night they exposed themselves.
Around midnight, I quietly leave for my room. Heading down the hallway, I pause as footsteps echo behind me. Adam’s there. He’s always there.
“Don’t let what I said tonight change your mind,” Adam begins, “Each person is different. Every family is different. You have such a strong wolf scent. Your family will too.”
“How do you keep it a secret from outsiders?”
Adam glances down before looking up through his eyelashes. I have to close mine and shake my head just to keep from getting trapped. He really needs to stop doing that.
“I’ll keep them safe. I’ll keep you safe,” Adam informs, “Whatever your decision is, I will respect it. You can say no. I won’t force you to do anything you’re not ready to do.”
He walks back down the hallway as I open the door to my room. The only thing to do is pace while staring at the fire crackling in the corner. It is a constant reminder that tomorrow; I will be staring at a different fire as something strange happens within me.
My feet carry me to the window. Pushing the curtain aside, I find a group below. I can’t shimmy out the window without getting caught. After what Adam said, do I need to climb out the window or can I really walk out the front door?
The sun comes up as I finally wear myself out and collapse into bed. My mind races through the possibilities during my restless sleep.
The door snaps open and the bed sinks with the weight of another person. Sarah's perfume engulfs me as she wraps her arm around me. It’s comforting as I continue to lay there and watch the lake through the window.
Only a few hours separate me from the bonfire where Johnnie will coerce the wolf out of me. I made my decision. It’s too unique of an opportunity to pass up. My family will have to sort things out later but right now, I want to see if it’s possible.
"You should eat something," Sarah whispers sitting up as I shake my head, "What about a bath? I made something special."
I take time at the mirror, the dark lines under my eyes noticeable even from a distance. The combination of hot bubbles and jets relax me. It feels so wonderful that I never want to re-emerge.
Only three hours and the moon will be up. I'm not sure when the ceremony will take place. A time line would be nice. I assume at the height of the moon but what do I know; I've never done a wolf thing before.
A knock on the door, followed by, "Addie," Lets me know that my time in the bath is up.
A gauzy, blue dress lies on the bed. The sleeveless ensemble is pretty but there’s no shape to the sheer material.
"I thought you would like it for tonight.”
At least if I'm clothed compared to completely exposed, I might have more confidence in tonight’s ceremony.
"You really need to eat," Sarah insists, "You need strength."
"Addie," Susan calls reaching her arms out. This woman has to be the best mother figure ever. Not only is she Adam's mom, but has eight children, is always baking, and one comment from her can freeze a grown man. Sweet, kind, terrifying, and powerful, it is a deadly combination in any woman. "You should eat something," She reiterates and tosses a few freshly baked cookies onto a plate.
Nibbling on the cookies as the hours race by, I have little time to think. There are always people talking to me. The conversations are entertaining, disturbing, and a little disgusting.
The sun sets as the bonfire blazes through the windows, soaring at least ten feet into the air. Everyone heads outside. I join, feeling skittish around so many unfamiliar faces.
"How are you doing," Adam asks making his way around the circle, "You look cold."
I’m freezing. It might be from the cold; I can see my breath in the night air and am wearing practically nothing. The trembling is more from fear. Fear of the unknown, the unfamiliar, and the completely absurd.
Adam places his jacket over my shoulders. Warm from his body, my trembling stops. No one is wearing much of anything. Most men are without shirts, most women are in shorts or sundresses. Adam follows my gaze as I pull the jacket tighter.
"You won't feel cold much longer," He comments, "None of us really feel the cold."
That would be nice. I’m never warm and when I finally get warm, I'm about to overheat. My body is like a bad furnace in a drafty old house.
Johnnie walks towards the fire, dressed in some animal skin cape. Red lines cover his upper body. He has everyone's attention as they hoot and holler.
I’m very interested in the pelt. Is it actually a wolf? It is a wolf cape. Well, that seems a little ironic coming from a pack of werewolves. I wonder if it curtails bad behavior.
"My brothers and my sisters," Johnnie begins.
My mind goes blank as the images blur. The fire casts ominous shadows over the dark forest. Stars clutter the sky as the full moon appears brighter than normal. I really don't see, hear, or feel anything as my ears ring and the trembling returns.
Johnnie appears at my side, handing a strange animal skin container. My shaky fingers reach out to take it."A little extra courage helps every situation," Johnnie whispers with a wink before walking back to the crowd.
I sniff at the container.
"Drink," Adam commands holding it to my lips.
Before I know it, the thick, sticky, berry taste flows down my throat. It’s so delicious that the entire bottle is gone, "Good girl," Adam says taking it from my more relaxed hands.
What alcohol tastes like that? Maybe it isn't alcohol, just berry juice.
My heart races. Everything spins. Colors appear at random. An image of a wolf howling at the moon materializes in the fire. Am I hallucinating?
I close my eyes to steady myself, but when I reopen them only the dark blue of the sky shows. The stars twinkle, vanish and reappear before spinning. How did I get on the ground? The heat from the fire scares me. I’m inches away but can’t keep my body from edging closer.
Trembling, my hands reach down, feeling the sweat soaked gown. The grass flattens from my wriggling. How long have I been on the ground? A scream sounds in the distance as the image of the wolf reappears in the flame. It becomes louder as the chilling sound floods from every direction.
I can't move my body. Every part bends to its own will as I continue to inch closer to the fire. Soon I will be on fire but I can’t control myself enough to crawl away.
I finally find Johnnie in the crowd. He continues walking, mouthing chants. Adam and Susan share a look of complete horror. Did something go wrong? Is it the spiked berry juice?
My eyes lock with Adam. I just want it to stop. I’m in limbo and I'm so scared. He avoids my gaze.
The sun rises as the roar of the fire continues to lap at the sky. Hours passed and I don't remember any of it.
My breath haggardly escapes my parched lungs. Every part of me wants to stop. My heart pounds in my ears. The sound softens as the beat slows.
My blurred vision finds Adam ripping off his shirt. He lies on the ground next to me, pulling me against him. His skin feels cool and so nice against the burning heat of my own body. I nuzzle closer.
A sharp pain pricks my back and I cry out. Dark fur presses against me, blocking the sunny day. Finally, I feel my body, all four appendages, my head, my thoughts; everything snaps into focus. I shake my head, releasing the tension that has built over the past few hours. Inhaling deeply, my lungs expand to their fullest.
A hand reaches for my forehead, trying to ease the pain in my temple but what touches my head is no hand. Instead, a white paw gropes at the air in front of me. All I want to do is see myself but I only catch small glimpses of white fur.
Adam interrupts my many circles. He sniffs my nose before nuzzling the fur near my neck. Sarah bounces forward repeating Adam’s actions. The entire pack follows the same pattern.
Someone howls and everyone sprints to the forest. I remain standing. I need a little pre-work. Slowly walking around the fire and then I bounce and prance in a circle. Sarah barks and we race through the forest.
Up until this moment, my senses never fully worked. My eyes see colors that I can’t believe exist. My nose picks up on scents that I’ve never experienced.
I know understand why Adam asked so many times if I wanted to go for a run, it’s amazing. For hours the pack flows through the forest as a single entity while zigzagging through the trees, creating new trails, and plowing through the piles of leaves.
The pads on my feet ache. Every muscle screams from overuse. Most turn back to their human form at the lodge. Being one of the last to return, I wait at the bottom of the stairs. How do I turn into a human? I try to will it, to imagine myself as a human, and eventually whine.
Adam's wolf nearly knocks me over as he presses against me before shifting. Sarah joins on the other side and shifts. I remain a dog. I cry, a little whining never hurt anyone.
"Adam, did you shift with her," Susan asks.
"She didn't shift back?”
Something isn't right.
#
Days pass and nothing changes. Most of the pack returns to their lives, leaving an empty cabin. My current predicament works well with my job. Since the CEO is the pack leader, I get medical leave approved instantly.
It’s strange that someone so young is in charge of so much but Adam’s father was pack leader. After his death, no one challenged Adam. Even with his young age, they let him assume his rightful place.
"Don't get me wrong, I think it’s wonderful that he thinks he is our Alpha," Susan informs one day as I watch her cook.
Being a wolf and not being able to talk makes a lot of people spill their secrets. I’ve already heard more than my fair share.
"He has so much to learn but that will come with age," She continues, "He is very traditional and knows our customs and laws better than anyone, even better than Johnnie."
This information peaks my attention. I want to know about customs and traditions. If nothing else, learning to communicate as a wolf would be very helpful right now.
"You are curious," Susan purrs, "Well, one thing you may not know is that we are a matriarchy. I know it might not seem that way with Adam as Alpha. This is something we are keeping between us. I am the oldest woman in this pack and still one of the strongest. If I really wanted to lead, I could, but it is Adam's rightful place because of the bloodline. I gave birth to sons, just like Adam's grandmother, but the first female to be born will lead everyone."
Really though, for being the oldest, I wouldn't put her past fifty.
"Woman choose the course of everything. If it wasn't for me, Adam might not have been chosen as leader. We also pick our mates. Don’t believe any of those books or movies about the male selecting or forcing a woman to become his. That’s not how any of that works. If it comes to threats, we decide the course of action. They have more of the brute force but they won’t go against our plans."
I like the finger waving and the attitude but all of this feels off. It can’t be good for pack morale for Susan to tell people that she could steal power from her son. Based on how much everyone in the pack loves Adam, she really shouldn’t say anything.
Johnnie appears at the door, carrying yet another animal skin container. I’ve had so many over the last few weeks that I really don't want to drink another. In addition to the hallucinogen properties, the taste, and how weak I feel afterwards, it still hasn't worked.
My head flops to the floor, "It isn't that bad, I promise," Johnnie says kneeling in front of me.
My eyes turn away from him. The pungent smell burns my nostrils.
"Addie, this one taste good and no drugs.”
For hours, they try to coax me into drinking but with them as humans and me with sharp teeth, I get my way. It must be a sight to see as they chase me from one piece of furniture to the next.
"Adam, good, you can help," Susan says out of breath.
I hadn't anticipated him coming today. Adam only shows up on weekends. This could change everything. While I easily outmaneuver two older humans, Adam’s a lot stronger and faster than me. I whine hoping he understands.
"If she doesn't want to drink, we shouldn’t make her," Adam comments, "The drugs can't be good for her and it isn't helping."
"What do you propose," Susan snaps.
"I found an old article in father's things," Adam answers pulling out a notebook.
Anxiously, I wait, trying not to get too close incase this is a trick.
"I hadn't even considered this," Johnnie says, "It could help."
Hesitantly, I move forward, waiting for them to explain the plan. Susan kneels, "When you are asleep, you are more receptive to changing forms. If a wolf is sleeping next to you in their human form, it could pull the human out in you. Would you be willing to try it?"
I bark in consent. Out of the three people in front of me, I wouldn't choose any of them for this task. The three stare at each other and I bark again, wondering if it is too late to change my mind.
"It must be Adam," Johnnie hesitantly decides, "As the alpha he has power over all the wolves.”
I want to grumble but considering the options before me, he is the best choice.
When I grow tired, I quietly sneak away from everyone else. I might have to share a bed with Adam, but that doesn't mean I can't be asleep when he walks into the room.
As soon as I find a way of throwing the blankets around me, he's at the door. Knowing my embarrassment, he keeps most of his clothes on as he climbs into the large bed. This is awkward. Adam stares at the ceiling as I curl into a ball on the opposite side of the bed and eye him.
He turns, watching me, groggily, watch him. There have been many times I fantasized about sharing a bed with him but I thought it might be different.
I stretch and groan from the exertion, "Fingers," I state curling them and uncurling them in front of my face.
Adam wakes upon hearing my voice, and before I can hide under the sheets, he blushes. The Roman god is unnerved by something he has grown up around. At the same time, it’s pretty impressive that I can make Adam blush.
"How did that work?”
"It’s an old trick we use on sick children," Adam tries to answer as he climbs from the bed and grabs my bathrobe. Averting his eyes, he waits until I have it tied before turning around.
"Are you hungry," He asks as my stomach grumbles in reply.
#
A thick blanket of snow coats the forest floor the day after Thanksgiving. The trails are mostly dirt, the pack wore them in over the past few weeks.
Thanksgiving and the abundance of food gives everyone a time to celebrate, everyone but me. I miss my Thanksgiving with my large family. I miss the deep-fried turkey that looks charred when it's finally done. I miss the bacon wrapped water chestnuts. What I miss more than the food is feeling needed.
Moving away has some rewards but there are a lot of drawbacks. I don't think I will ever truly enjoy any holiday without my family.
No one is sure when or if I will be able to shift again and they don't want me to accidently change in front of my family. If I can’t change, then it is best to let the family legacy die. No one else deserves to be in this much pain.
"Addie," echoes through the woods.
There is no point in responding. They can sniff me out. More calls from them, followed by more silence on my part.
"Why didn't you answer," Sarah asks sitting on the log next to me.
"You found me," I grumble knowing they have been searching for hours.
"Is everything alright?”
I nod not wanting to talk about the reason I’m upset. No one can change anything. I allowed myself to go through the transition and now I, alone, must suffer the consequences.
"Even though you no longer feel cold, you should pretend," Adam adds placing my jacket over me. His hands pause as they touch my skin. "You're burning up.”
"I feel fine," I lie, "I feel warm." I add throwing the jacket off my shoulders.
I understand how people can do polar plunges. Jumping into icy water in the middle of winter sounds amazing. If the lake wasn't iced over, I would be in it right now.
"This isn't normal," Sarah adds feeling the warmth of my skin.
Finally, the right sentence to mimic my bad mood, "Nothing about me is normal."
They exchange a look before making me stand. A musk of fear radiates from their skin. Their arms lock under mine. Adam tries to carry me but I smack away the attempt. I’m not feeble, I’m just sick. It doesn't take long before I figure out that we are walking to Johnnie's.
Johnnie checks my vitals after opening all the windows. I tune out. My mind feels like it’s boiling.
"Addie," Johnnie practically barks my name, "How long have you felt like this?"
He’s always been helpful. I might as well make it easier for him, "Since I turned back into a human."
"What does that mean," Adam asks standing in the back, holding the jacket I refuse to wear.
Johnnie ignores the question before walking away from me and eyeing the container on a shelf. Please not the bottle. I drank so many of his concoctions that I shouldn't be required to drink any of them again. I don't want to take any more drugs, natural or not.
Johnnie turns to the fireplace, warming himself for a moment. The fire is too hot. Sweat slowly caresses my skin before pooling on the floor. I’m to the point of seriously considering taking my top off as I edge closer to the open window. It isn't like anyone here would care if I stripped down.
"Her body can't adjust," Johnnie says. A response I could have told him, "Her body doesn't know how to be a wolf or a human. She’s further from her wolf ancestor than we assumed.”
I should have tuned out again. That wasn’t the news I wanted to hear.
"If her fever gets any worse, pull her into your shift," Johnnie suggests, "It should be easier for her as a wolf than a human."
At least I won't drip sweat. Being stuck as a silent wolf doesn't appeal either. I’m willing to do whatever it takes if it means less pain.
The walk to the lodge only exasperates my symptoms. It is a record low but I feel like I’m on fire. Hypothermia isn’t much of a concern as the heat damaging my brain.
Ever since I took the job in this tiny town, I met one problem after another. Does it ever end?
"Addie," Adam gently whispers walking outside with a blanket in his hands, "Even we have our limits when it comes to the cold."
The blanket gently wraps around me. I wriggle out of it as it falls to the snowy deck.
"You might feel warm but you can still get frost bite.”
"I don't want it," I complain, struggling to get out of the blanket again.
He struggles to keep it on. Next thing I know the clothing rips around us. I growl, annoyed with his actions. What he did is in my best interest but with the heat burning through my mind, my thoughts are clouded and my judgment gone.
The fever vanishes. My sternum doesn’t feel like it’s about to crack from the pounding of my heart. The chill seeps into my skin and I finally understand the depth of the cold.
"Now come inside," Susan snaps holding open the porch door, "Both of you."
My ears remain low as I scurry into the house with Adam following quickly behind. The warmth of the fire feels nice as I curl onto the soft bearskin rug. My eyes droop. Adam curls next to me, his head on top of mine. It’s been days since I slept and a nice long, quiet sleep might erase any lingering effects of the burning heat.
#
"Well what do you think is best," Susan snaps pricking my attention.
Whomever she is speaking to must have a strong backbone. Her temper is enough that people back down and submit to her will long before she starts yelling.
Only one person could stand up to Susan, "I don't know what is best but you know there is strength in family bonds. If her family came, it might help her. Addie isn't strong enough for the transitions, she needs help that we can't provide," Johnnie answers.
I wonder what he means by not being strong enough. Will I continue to be sick if I turn into a human? Will I continue to get stuck as a wolf? It couldn't possibly get any worse. Maybe I should have climbed out the window the day before my ceremony. Human and boring is much better than this.
"We need her to agree to it.”
"Susan," Johnnie says, his voice controlled, "Everyone knows her opinion. She wants to see her family. If she doesn't get better, we should at least try to make her more comfortable."
My head snaps in their direction. I really am going to die. Well, that isn’t what I expected to hear. At least Adam didn’t lie the night he climbed into the back of my car. He wasn't going to kill me; my own body would take care of that.
"Addie," Susan says sweeping around the kitchen island, "You weren't supposed to hear that."
Then she shouldn't be yelling in the same room. If only I had a voice my response would be easier for everyone to understand.
"She should hear all of this," Johnnie retorts, "She has a right to know."
"We can't let them come here for the holidays. What will they think and how will I control the pack," Susan complains as she throws her arms into the air like a spoiled child.
The more time I spend with Susan, the more the motherly figure is stripped away and her real personality shines. She isn't kind or sweet. She’s a tyrant.
"They’re going to witness Addie changing. It’s inevitable," Johnnie comments before pausing, "What harm could there be if they saw more. If we can get her brother to change, it will strengthen her bond with our world."
"Or both siblings can die," Susan growls, "We don't know what we are doing here."
"I think Addie and her family will decide what is best," Johnnie finishes before walking to the door, "You might not know what you are doing, but I do. Blood is the strongest bond."
Johnnie nods to me before closing the door. I don't want to be around Susan, not when I feel like attacking her.
"I won't let them come up here," Susan growls, "There is nothing anyone can say that will make me change my mind and Adam will not act unless he has my approval."
We stare each other down. She might be the matriarch of the group but Adam will do anything to keep his pack safe. I can’t believe she’s so inhumane that she would let me die.
"I won't let you or Johnnie go behind my back," Susan declares.