Bridging gaps

Anastasia sighed dramatically and was then obscured by the sudden banging noise of the door against cement. She wasn’t born yesterday, her son was pissed and not complimenting the aroma of her lasagna filling the entire flat meant he was definitely on the edge.

“Is that you?”

“Yes!” He snarled.

“Honey,” She dropped the silicon gloves in the counter top and hurried to the living area. Anastasia flinched with the cold pulse that ran through her, anxiety and fear colliding with every worst-case scenario in her head. ” What happened? Is Meredith okay?”

“She’s fine and so angry, she doesn’t have to tell me, it shows!”

A pang of panic slowly washes at her, fear of not reaching her grandmother role in the soonest possible dangling in front of her. She guides him to the couch and for the longest time, Anastasia realized that it was a long time ago that she was there for him. Her questions quickly pushed aside for panic to foster. “Whatever it is, I am sure it’s going to be fine, baby.”

“What the fuck? Really? That’s the best that you could come up with?” He yells at her, eyes blazing with rage under furrowed brows, looking like he wants to choke her It comes so completely out of nowhere that she too stunned to respond.

“I am sorry, but…I don’t even know what we are dealing with here…maybe if you want to talk about it?”

“Sorry, mom.”

” Conrad, I don’t know how to respond; we’ve grown apart but I am here now.”

“Took you a while to figure that part out, huh.” It’s like that inner child in him gets scolded.

“I know and I am sorry.” Anastasia is really sorry, her heart in the verge to burst with raw agony, and tears trickle down her face involuntarily. Reeling back as though I have been slapped and doing what I do best.

“I need to be alone, it’s best you go home.”

“Conrad, son. Talk to me,” she whispers, and it only pushes him that little bit further into remorse and hopelessness.

“It’s Billy.”

“What’s with her?”

“Everything with Meredith is going okay and then she ruins it! Now Meredith is cold towards me.” Conrad bursts.

To Anastasia, this is a rare sight to behold. He is in shambles. All because of what Meredith might think of him. Instinctively, her arms come around her protectively as she moved closer, the warmth of her body heat encircles him. Her chin finds the top of his head and rests gently as she tries to console him. Conrad is really devastated.

“I’m sorry,” She whispers. Snuggling closer. Suddenly full of remorse for wasting the time she should have spent on her son.

“What am I going to do with you?”

“Why is Billy there and how did she find you?”

“Billy got skills and connection. She uses her social platform for information. This is not the first time she did this but now is different.”

“I know, baby.”

“Meredith probably thinks I am an asshole now.” Conrad has lost that edge to his tone too.

“Then talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in here.” She lets go with one hand and gently taps him on the forehead, moving a stray hair away from his face. Reminiscing when he was a little baby and she was his whole world. A lot has changed now. But it’s not too late for them.

“I can’t … I don’t even know anymore.”

Conrad’s POV:

“Are you still seeing your therapist?” Mom nudges me. On some level, she still has the ability to make me obey her anyway, even if it is only subtle things like this.

I shake my head and wait on the next bout of lectures that I know are coming. I haven’t been in months because I simply don’t think it helps anymore.

“You have to go back.” Her words are soft and almost pleading, still nestling me against her tenderly. For the first time in years, it happened.

“I know,” I answer back.

“Talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“I’m so tired of this life and feeling empty inside. I want things to be different. I am ready for it and then Billy shows up and then I saw the look on Meredith’s face…she’s disappointed.” I drag in a heavy breath and pull back from the verge of breaking down. “I’m ashamed of who I’ve become.”

“Come on, Meredith is a wonderful woman. I am sure she will come around. Especially if she learns that you and that model were never an item. Boys will always be boys. I should know, your father was all over bars until he met me. Trust me when I say that boys can be men in a snap if they find the right one.” Her emotions obvious, and was probably reliving that day when she and my father met.

“There’s one hiccup…I don’t know how to do that.”

“That’s why you have me. No matter what you go through, I’ll never leave you to deal with it alone. I’m here. I am the perfect wing woman. Take from me what you need. You know I will move mountains for you.” Those eyes trained on me intensely, breaking down all my defenses. “Tell me what you need.”

There’s silence while I compose myself.

“I want her. I want Meredith.”

“Great, I want her in your life too! Come home with me. You know I’ll be there to help you through this. I’ve always been here and always will be.”

Our gap. The wall I built around me.

This has been an aching cavern in my chest for years now as we slowly drifted away and she started her life without my father and eventually me. I’ve been losing her slowly and surely, which is partly why I started dating so many women. I was trying to find someone for me, someone that would care about me as much as she always did. I want someone to make me feel like she does when she’s around: safe, loved, and secure. Like I’m home.

I found those in Meredith.

“I’m sorry for leaving you alone. I guess I just never realized I was letting you down.”

“I can’t afford to lose her, mom.”

“I’ll talk to her,” she added.

“And if Meredith won’t listen?” I pout deflation setting in with the very real chance that Meredith won’t let it happen. The girl has never openly said anything to suggest she wants me out of his life and doesn’t openly act like she does, but I can tell she hates my existence. She’s the type who would change everything between us.

“She doesn’t dislike you, I am sure of that.”

“Really?”

“I’ll do whatever is needed.I’m taking you home with me tonight, and then tomorrow … I will talk to Meredith and to Billy as well. You need to trust me that I am the best person to go if you want to fix things.” She pulls my face to tilt back up to him so he can study my reaction. I’m just too tired, both physically and emotionally, to argue. For the first time in years---I felt like I am about to lose everything without Meredith.

Sure, we were never official. However, I don’t want to see her dating another guy or else. I want her back in my life more permanently, back in that place of smiles and laughter and feeling like my life is everything I want it to be.

“You promise?”

“Yes.”

“I swear by the power of the fist bump.” She grins at me, lightening the moment with her jokey humor, holding out her fist in the old gesture we used to use when making deals when I was a child. I bump her back softly without hesitation, curling my fist to match her, relief moving over me as I sigh down the chaos again. My heart fills with warmth and a sense of complete release.

“Mom, this level of commitment requires a much more important shake.” I smile coyly.

“Pinkie promise is pretty much the most unbreakable bond known to man.” She smiles.

“I hope she will listen to you. She’s stubborn.”

“I’ll do anything to get her back. I’m still your best friend. I’ll always be there when you need me. I love you, kiddo.”

“I love you more.”

How many years since the last exchange of endearment between us? I can barely recall.