Chapter 218: Why didn't you tell me?

River POV

The kiss gets deeper and more intense then we expect and now he has me pressed against the wall. A loud cough breaks us apart. When we turn the whole damn crew is there. I turn bright red.

"Okay now that you've come up for air, can we please get home now, I'm tried!" Chailor says with a huff.

"Hop on Enchantress" Lucky says laughing.

"Let's go feed my soul sister and my god baby before they kill us." I whisper in his ear.

I smile at Lincoln and I notice he looks kinda sad. He notices me looking at him and he gives me a small smile.

Everyone but Flame and my brother arrive back at our place for the night.

"I'm going to change, kiss my daughter and roll a blunt. Meet me out back if you want to partake in ten" Lucky kisses my head then heads off to Finn's room.

I think Pickle's more drunk then I am. I take his hand and lead him to our room.

He falls back on the bed and I help take off his boots and then his pants. I slip some sweats over him up to his knees then I climb on the bed over to him. He's had his eyes closed this whole time.

"Honey please open your eyes and talk to me."

He opens one eye and turns his head to me.

"Please tell me." I say taking his hand.

"Tell you what?" He says opening both eyes this time.

I get off the bed and get undressed leaving just my panties on. I go to the bed and pull him up by his one hand.

He looks at me for a minute then takes a deep breath.

"Pickle my love please what are you thinking? What's wrong?" He smiles at me softly.

He stands and pulls up his pants and sits back down. I pull one of his shirts over me and throw on some sleep shorts.

"How did you know?" He says.

I sit on the bed and take his hand.

"Pickle for any of this to work we need to talk about what bothers us. Remember that first night the three of sat down and talked?" He nods his head then looks at his feet.

"Then you should remember the conversation we had and I'm pretty sure we agreed it was for all of us not just me. Right?" He nods again.

I move his face to mine.

"Talk to me my love please." I lean in and kiss his nose "Is it about Flame?" He looks at me confused "What? No! Why would this be about her?" I turn my head and sigh.

"River?" He says turning my face to him.

"Pickle. I've been really trying to understand, I know the kiss really freaked you guys out but it's been months. What is going on with you two?" I say looking in his eyes.

He stands and looks away from me. I stand and wraps my arms around his waist from behind.

"Honey I love you okay and I'm here for you always but you have to talk to me." I say squeezing his waist and putting my head to his back.

"I don't know what it is Kitten! I'm working through it and I love you too." He puts his head down again "My therapist thinks its from seeing her like that when she had her episode. The last time she was like that we were together and it broke us both, I couldn't bring her back. They had to take her away." He sniffles. "I've always felt guilty for that and I've never forgiven myself even though I know it was the only thing that saved her life." He kisses my hands. "I feel guilty for causing you pain. I feel guilty for Lucky having to watch me die.. twice. I feel guilty for being jealous towards Ryder and Lucky, Hell even Finn. I feel guilty for being depressed. I feel guilty for not being able to keep Gio and Marco's nephew safe when I should have." He's full on crying now.

"Oh Honey" I move around to his front and wrap his arm around me "I feel guilty for being mad that I can't hold you and I can't train or even play with our daughter. I feel guilty for being mad that I can't do those things I could before instead of being grateful that I'm alive." He puts his head on my shoulder "River"

"Yes Honey." I say holding him and rubbing his back.

"Can we take it slow with the whole Lucky thing? I just need a minute to think and I can't think  straight right now." He looks at me slightly raising my head.

"Luca my love." I say kissing his lips then his cheeks "Yes. If that's what you need then yes of course. I didn't mean...." he shakes his head "You did nothing wrong it's me. Its me it's all me Kitten. They whipped me and it cracked all the fucked up parts of me back open." He pulls away from me and punches the wall. I jump and start shaking not because I'm afraid he'll hurt me but afraid he'll hurt himself.

"What the fuck happened?!" Lucky yells running in my room now with Crash and Krazien behind him.

Pickle's crying so hard now. I shake my head at them and try pushing them out the door.

"Pickle!" Lucky yells. I push his chest "Please Lucky just give him a minute please." I say as soft and calm as I can.

I run over and look at his hand it's bad. I think he broke it.

"Lucky can you please call Doc or Carter" I ask not look at him.

He doesn't answer so I look up thinking maybe he went out but he's standing there with tears in his eyes.

"Lucky please!" I say a little louder. I get down on my knees and scoot in front of Pickle resting my head on his knees and thighs. He puts his head down to mine and cries harder and faster. Every tear breaking my heart.

Lucky walks over and kisses us both on our heads. "I'll be back in brother."

"I'm so sorry Kitten. I don't want to hurt you and the nightmares are getting worse. I haven't been sleeping well, I'm afraid I'll hurt you like last time or hurt our daughter." He sobs into my neck.

"Oh honey, my love why didn't you tell me?" I ask him softly.

He shakes his head "I didn't want you to see this. I don't want you to see me so weak and broken." He cries harder.

"Baby please look at me." I say lifting his face to mine "I will never think of you as weak or broken. You are one of the strongest people I know and that is all I see when I look at you. I love you so much Luca Smith and asking for help is not a weakness it's takes Incredible strength." I kiss his nose, head, each cheek then his nose again"