Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen Hope We were gone before he came home for lunch today. I couldn't take much with me so I only took what fit into a small rolling suitcase I found in his closet. Nathan cried a little but he tried hard to be brave. I told him it's not forever, just until we're safe again. He nodded his little head, but I think he knew in his heart that we might not be back. I called Mrs. Sawyer and asked her to let me know when my mother left the apartment and then Nathan and I took the bus to a small little donut shop near our apartment. We waited there until we got the call and then I walked him to Mrs. Sawyer's apartment and told him to wait quietly with her so I could grab a few things. The apartment was destroyed. There were broken picture frames and one of the chairs at the kitchen table was broken. Looks like who ever brought her home roughed her up a little before he left. Anything that had any real monetary value is gone. That's what happens when she needs to fund her habit. It breaks my heart to think of what she's become. There was a time she was everything to me, and through the years there have been small glimpses of what it could be like if she didn't keep losing this terrible battle with drugs. A particular memory seems to follow me through the run down apartment as I look for what's most important. I lie with her on my bed, our hands claps tightly as she tells me a story. I don't remember how it went, but I do remember the slight shake in her hand and the sweat as it moistened her head. I asked her about it and she just wiped my bangs lovingly from my face and told me that she just needed to get through something. I didn't understand at the time, but now I know that she was withdrawing from the opiates in order to be a better mom for me. I wonder how different my life would have been if she'd ever been successful. In my room I move the small nightstand in the corner and lift the carpet up. It might be my best hiding spot yet. I've been saving the money that Caleb leaves me in tips and there's well over two thousand dollars under the stinky old carpet. I also have an envelope with the money that contains our birth certificates and social security cards. It's the only paperwork I have for us. On the way out I see the evidence of my mother's drug use on the counter: a dirty spoon, an old syringe and an empty lighter. I don't even bother to lock the door behind myself when I leave. Nathan and I are on the bus headed north a few minutes later. I make a game out of our long bus ride until Nathan falls asleep. It's the first time all day that I've had a moment to think and the thought of Caleb finding my note causes a pain to grow in my chest. My phone was left beside the note on his bed. I know he could track me with the phone so I couldn't risk bringing it. Telling myself that I can try to find him one day when Nathan is older makes me feel a little better like maybe it isn't as hopeless. Right now I need to come up with a plan for what I'm going to do. Nathan was supposed to be back at school already and I'm worried the social worker will be called soon. Madeline's condo is wonderful. It is so light and feminine that I can't help but to feel at ease here. Nathan finds the room he wants to sleep in and I decide to take a guest bedroom because sleeping in the master bedroom will make me feel horrible. I also notice that the house is stocked with groceries and she left a note along with five hundred dollars in gift cards for the grocery store we passed on the way here. Her note tells me to call if I needed anything and to let her know if I am going to stop staying here. Nathan and I eat ice cream for dinner and I carry him to bed when he falls asleep watching TV on the couch. I can't bring myself to sleep alone, so I cuddle up next to Nathan and close my eyes in hopes that sleep will come. My mind is filled with thoughts of Caleb and if I'm honest I feel home sick—but for Caleb's home, not mine. When the thoughts of Caleb cause the ache in my heart to hurt so bad I can't breathe, I start to wonder what the punishment would be if he were to be caught with Nathan and I. I know I'd be looking at a lot of time behind bars, but what would an accomplice face? Could we just pretend he didn't know I'd kidnapped Nathan? Could we get away with it and for how long? Around 2am my body gives into sleep. I must be exhausted because the next thing I know Nathan is jumping on the bed next to me and the room is filled with light. When I look at the clock it is 9am and my first thought is of Caleb and what he might be doing. I also need to call Tammy and let her know what's happening. I can't tell her where I'm staying but I need to let her know that I won't be coming back to work. Today I plan on researching towns close to here so I can make a decision about where Nathan and I are headed. I don't know how much rent is and I need to have everything be close since I still don't have a car. Maybe if Nathan's up to it we can ride the bus until we find a place that we like. If it stays warm outside, we might even be able to walk the streets in search of a job for me. Rolling out of bed, I make the decision to keep my day moving and packed with things to do so that I don't have time to think about Caleb. I don't think that my mother has reported Nathan missing yet, but she'll sober up when she runs out of money she'll do whatever it takes to find him. The money the state gives her to help take care of him still gets deposited in her account. I haven't seen a dime of that money in years. In the past, when she burns through the welfare money she turns to me. She knows that if she starts talking about earning her drugs another way I'll give what I have so that she won't bring strangers into our house. She's not going to like that I'm done feeding her habit. My plan works until dinnertime. As the sun sets and the activities of the day slow down, I find myself heartsick for Caleb. I want to call him just to hear his voice, but I don't want to make it harder on him than I already have. Madeline had said that me leaving would devastate him, and if he feels anything like I'm feeling she was right. I kiss Nathan goodnight and tuck him into bed and then open the large glass doors that lead to the small patio outside. The night is quiet and the weather is crisp so I curl up with a blanket from the back of the couch on a lounge chair outside. Maybe if I'm not in his sister's house I won't feel like I'm suffocating. Or maybe if I stop lying to myself I can finally admit that Caleb isn't in the house, he's in my heart. No matter where I am or what I'm doing; he'll always be with me.