Chapter 70 What I Deserve
I blink my tears back and slow my pace. I really don't want to make it back to Aunt Beth's sooner than I have to. I veer off course and start wandering around town, letting my feet take me wherever the hell they want.
But I have to wonder why the hell Dean said all that shit in the first place? It's not like Rick would believe him, right?
It seemed like Rick had had a falling out with his father. I wonder if Dean beat Rick? The thought made my stomach turn. I know exactly what that is like, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy... Well, maybe Dean. That has to mean Rick won't believe his dad... Right?
Right! Rick's a damn adult! And he doesn't need his daddy's approval. "I decided I was 25 years old and grown up enough to make my own decision!” he announced. Well, that's good... I think. I'm pretty sure that means he was listening to his father's decisions before this.
But then I think about what Dean was saying. Really think about it. And the things in his words send me down into a spiral of darkness I don't know how to climb out of. Every word was made to hurt the hardest... And congrats, dick! It worked.
“You don’t need to stick with one! You could have a million... Or if you insist on having one, I’ll find one worthy of you!” Is that all anyone thinks I'm good for? Is that what James thinks, and because I'm not giving in to him, he's decided to find pleasure with others? Is that what all men do? Is there no man out there who is willing to wait for the woman they love?
James is cheating on me. Probably has been the entire time we've been together. I think about my encounter with Rick before Dean had made an unwanted appearance.
“What if I can prove to you he’s a no-good- lying-cheating-sonofabitch? Would you finally let me have you, little dancer?” He asked. I knew he'd been keeping something, but never in my wildest dreams had I expected to see so much proof of how little I mean to him.
A cold tear trails down my face. I don't bother to swat it away. It can stay if it wants... It's telling me I'm not quite past the point of not feeling anything. But is that worse than this? Should I be feeling completely numb, so I just don't give a damn any more, or is this pain a good thing? It's telling me I'm still alive... but do I really want to be?
Is that all I deserved? A bastard who cares more about getting off than my feelings. I think back to my birthday dinner and my stomach sinks. “Baby, that’s why this would be perfect! I could make you feel so good. I swear I’ll be gentle and go slow. I’ve even got a whole box of condoms! Please baby, just the thought of being deep in your pussy has me so damn hard right now!” he begged.
Well, now I know why he has a whole box of condoms. They hadn't been for me. They'd been for all the girls he seduced into his bed. Now I'm glad I never gave into him that night. I would just be another girl he took to bed. And how long before he got bored of me after that? I'd give him my virginity and he'd turn right around and dump me? Probably.
Am I really not good enough for anyone to love? I try to think back to all our conversations, and I remember Rick calling me his over and over again. Does that mean he loves me? I'm so confused. I don't actually remember the word passing his lips... did it?
“You have no idea what you are talking about. Josie isn’t one of the girls you pull into a bed and just fuck. She’s the kinda girl you plan your whole damn life around!" He'd announced.
Rick is a billionaire, and what am I? A broken ballerina with two younger sisters to take care of. Would he really take me with all my baggage?
“Baby, just tell me you want me. I know you can feel it. This connection between us. I know you can feel how badly I need you right now. How badly I’ve missed you. We belong together, little dancer. Please give me that chance to prove it to you,” he promised.
He even promised to bring my sisters home with him. He didnt' act like they were a burden to him at all. Not like the way James had. He wanted me to work to pay for their 'room and board' so he could 'afford' to have us with him. Rick wasn't like that at all.