Chapter 156 Regrets
Richard's POV
She looks so fucking peaceful right now. Like she's just sleeping. Maybe if I close my eyes and just listen to her, I can make believe that she really is. That none of the shit plaguing my mind happened. I can pretend it's just another day where I get to wake up next to the woman I love.
But I fucking can't! I can't even bring myself to blink, fearing she'll stop breathing. I can't let her fucking stop breathing!
I watch her breath, inhaling and expanding her chest and exhaling. I'm not a fucking creep! I swear! I just want to make sure she doesn't leave me when I'm not looking!
I place my hand over her belly. It's still flat. But it's warm and alive. I can feel the pulse of her blood through my palm.
My baby is in there somewhere. Still alive and safe. Protected by its Daddy and Mommy, even if Mommy's not feeling well. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you," I whisper my vow to both mother and child.
I don't know what to think right now. All I can picture is Josie laying in that tub filling up with blood. Her clothes sticking to her like a second skin. Her skin had lost most of its color, even though she'd turn the water up to fucking boiling!
I think I'm broken. Something inside me has cracked open. It fucking hurts to even breathe. And these fucking tears keep getting in my way of watching my little dancer!
A sob breaks through my chest. My hands shake as I reach up for her unbandaged arm. I run my fingers softly along the skin, up and down in a rhythmic motion. Just so I can touch her. Just so I know she's still with me!
"Baby, why?" I choke out, trying to just fucking breathe through the words. "Why would you do this? Why the fuck couldn't you tell me?!" I sob onto her belly, holding her close to me.
My little dancer almost died. I almost lost her because I left her alone for fucking too long. And it was because I had gone to check on her sisters! I don't blame her sisters. I don't blame Josie either!
It's just one of those things that there really isn't anyone to fucking blame, so I end up blaming myself! I should've fucking had Jeff just keep an eye on Liv and Charlie and just stayed with Josie.
She fucking told me it was okay, but it wasn't! Not even close! Did she think I abandoned her for her sisters? Did she think I didn't love her anymore?
I'm a fucking bastard. I know it! I've been a bastard since I knew how to walk. My father taught me how to be cruel and make people feel beneath me.
But what I did to her was worse. I made her feel alone, like there was no point in living anymore. Like she had no other choice but to leave me behind!
Was I not good enough for her? Was that it? She didn't love me after my father had... done whatever the hell he did with her? I still don't even know.
But I can't seem to bring myself to regret a damn thing.
Well, that's not true. I regret a lot.
I regret the first time I met Josie and told her she wasn't good enough. Then I went and flirted with Liv just to make her jealous. I told the little pipsqueak that she would be a better dancer than her sister. What the fuck was wrong with me?
I regret ever girl I ever fucked just so I could get Josie out of my head. It never even worked! It was always her in my mind. And every time I brought a girl in front of her, she just hated me more!
I regret hurting her the way I did when we were at school. My friends and I would make it our mission to humiliate her and make sure she had no friends. I would lie to the guys and say she was a slut and how dirty she was so they would keep their filthy claws off of her.
I regret following my father to Arizona when I was fucking 20 years old! I could've stayed here with Josie. I was an adult, capable of making my own decisions, and maybe with my father out of the way I could've gotten Josie to forgive me. I could've fucking told her the truth.