Chapter 148: Maybe By Some Miracle
Barnabas
I’m sitting at my desk staring at the whisky in my glass. Tomorrow is the wedding, and the last two weeks have been hell. I honestly didn’t think it would come to this. I had purposefully tried to build that relationship with Rain in the hopes that she would be able to believe me when I told her this was a good thing.
Instead, I have lost my daughter for good. Tomorrow I burn whatever bridges there might have been between us. I know I will be able to see my grandchildren; Sade has guaranteed me that he won’t allow her to keep them from me, but I have seen how she has severed any part of herself from anything to do with any of us.
I look up as Shamus comes in and heavily sits in the chair across from me. I can see the strain on his face; all of us carry it right now. The day she came downstairs after I listened to her screaming and I saw her face, I was close to killing Sade. Then he explained what happened, and while still not happy, I believed it was an accident. I thought he’d be able to smooth things over. Now, I realize I was deluding myself. She had mentioned time and time again how she viewed their relationship. I just couldn’t see it.
“You ready for tomorrow?” Shamus asks me, and I look up at him.
“Well, it honestly doesn’t really matter if I am; it’s happening anyway.” He nods.
“When I realized she had trauma reactions to all of us when she first got here, I started to wonder if this would backfire royally, and I guess now we know that the answer to that is yes.” I nodded.
“I had to think about what is best for the whole family, not just my daughter.” He took a deep breath and let it out.
“Yes, I know; that’s why all of us backed you up when you made the call. It’s just hard, Barnabas. We are all watching her break day by day. So, when does she start reaching for the pills, or when does she start drinking all day every day? Right now she is focused on the kids, but she is having trouble switching modes. She shuts herself down around all of us and becomes this zombie. Then she tries to be the mother her kids need, and she has trouble getting out of Zombie mode to do it. Sometimes I am worried she’s not going to be able to pull herself out of Zombie mode anymore and the kids will suffer for it.” I nod.
“Sade will take care of them. If it comes down to it, he’ll hire a nanny, but yes, I’ve noticed as well.” I take a long drink of my whisky.
“I worry about what’s going to happen when Sade takes her away for the honeymoon he made us promise he could have. I am worried about what will come back from that trip.” I have no answer to that.
Sade
Tomorrow is my wedding day. I am lying in the dark beside the woman I love. I think she’s still awake, but it’s often hard to tell these days. I turn and look; sure enough, her eyes are open, but she’s staring blankly at the wall. I’m going to have to figure out a way to break through to her. We can’t keep letting her go on like this. She’s starting to have trouble pulling herself out of the state she is in to deal with the kids, and I can’t let that continue.
The problem is that to make her cooperate about that, I’ll have to be even more of the bad guy in her estimation. If I give her an ultimatum and tell her she can’t check out anymore, what am I going to have to do in order to hurdle that to make her want to be with me?
I had to pull the plug on her workouts again the other day. She’s running herself into the ground. She’s not really eating; I have seen how much weight she’s losing again. So, her body is too worn down for her to try and work out the way she has been. Shamus agreed that she wasn’t allowed in the gym anymore. He can see the state she is in as well. I think he’s just as clueless about how to help as I am.
I can’t let her go. I need her, but how do I get her to need me the same way? Is there any way to make her need me or want me? Every day I long to see the love I feel for her shining back at me, and instead right now I see blankness.
She’s going to be furious when she finds out about the honeymoon. She has never been that long without the kids, nor the kids without her. They are the only thing she’s living for right now. I want to be in there as well, but I’m trying to figure out how. Damn it, I wish she wouldn’t be so stubborn about all of this shit. I know we are meant to be together. I know I could make her happy if she let me.
I’ll keep trying, because being without her is not an option. I’ll never be without her again, for any reason. I’d burn the world down to be with her and keep her with me. I just have to find a way past all of the walls she’s erected around herself and her heart where I am concerned. Those walls are now between her and her whole family. I can see how much they feel it as well.
As I look at her lying there, I again, as always, marvel at how beautiful she truly is. I also start to hope that she’s pregnant again. I missed so much with Saoirse that I want to have that with her again. This time will be in Chicago, or perhaps she’ll agree to stay here for a bit. I have a feeling that is going to be a no-go for her, though. The way she is feeling about the whole O’Connor clan right now, I don’t think she is interested in living here anymore.
We’ll make that decision when we get back from the honeymoon. Maybe by some miracle I’ll be able to convince her to give us a chance to work. Maybe I’ll be able to convince her how much I love her finally? I guess only time will tell.