Chapter 147: Tenuous Sanity

Rain

When everyone started to get up from the table, I sat there not moving. Eventually, I drifted to the couch in the living room and sat there. I stared out the back windows at the garden area, but I didn’t move. I heard someone enter the room but didn’t turn around. Then I saw Bethany in the reflection of the windows over my shoulder. I’d specifically been avoiding seeing my own face, so she was more directly in my line of sight.

“I need to use this to help with your face.” I didn’t move and didn’t speak.

She didn’t wait for me to today. She sat next to me on the couch and, without asking, started using what I was assuming was some kind of base or concealer to hide the rug burns all over my face. I had a feeling there were some bruises in there as well. She said nothing, and neither did I.

“We need to go.” She stood up and waited, and I managed to pull myself up despite the protests of my body.

We all loaded up in the SUV once again, and we left. This time the wedding planner was meeting us herself, I suppose. The sign on the storefront said, wedding planner. When we went in once again, she was all flighty and over-the-top excited for this stupid fucking bullshit. This time she didn’t ask me a direct question but kept things directed towards the other three. Well, at least she learns fast.

Today there was food to try and decide about catering, I guess. I didn’t eat any of it. I would have thrown up all over the floor if I tried. I was glad nobody pushed, because I probably would have eaten it so I could throw up all over the floor. I was feeling rather vindictive today. I did notice that the wedding coordinator kept looking at me and staring. So, I wondered if the makeup wasn’t quite doing its job?

Today didn’t take nearly as long as yesterday, and then we were back at the house. Since Bridgid already had the kids, I decided that, in order to not explode, I would need to do something. So I went and put on my workout gear and went to the gym. I specifically avoided everyone in here. I didn’t look at or speak to any of the enforcers, and I sure the fuck avoided Shamus. I did see him watching me as I ran as fast as I could for as long as I could on the treadmill.

Eventually I had to quit; my body couldn’t take anymore. Then I went upstairs and took a shower. I was glad I was alone. When I was done, it was getting close to dinner, so I went to go and get the kids. As I got to the bottom of the staircase, I saw Barnabas, Sade, Tomilino, Samuel, and Neil standing there. They all looked up when they saw me.

Sade smiled at me, but I shut down, and hopefully my face portrayed that. They all just looked at me while I stood there and said nothing, did nothing, and waited. Finally, they started moving again and headed for the door. Once they were gone, I went to Bridged’s door. She moved out of the way today, just allowing me to get to the kids. I hurried with them upstairs, anxious to be alone with them now, before I’d be forced to dinner and they would once again be vulnerable. Who the fuck was I kidding? My kids would be vulnerable because they were my kids and everyone wanted something from me, so they used my kids as a means of control?

I played with them on the floor. Saorise crawled up into my lap, and I could tell she was hungry. So, even without getting up, I got her latched so she could eat. I went back and forth talking to both of them, making sure they knew I loved them and wanted to spend time with them. I knew they were small, babies still, but I hoped they could still absorb that from me.

Honestly, I was worried these fucking ass holes were going to end up breaking me to the point that I wasn’t even able to function enough for my kids. Then how would they know I love them? Would they think they were the reason I was broken? This fucked with me so bad.

I heard him before I saw him. Then Sade was leaning against the door frame of the nursery. I hated when Connor got up and went to him. He picked him up and kissed his head. Sometimes when I watched him, he seemed to be trying to copy things he’d seen. Sometimes I could see the emptiness behind the gestures. I didn’t think Connor could; he seemed happy to see Sade, so perhaps he couldn’t see the act for what it was, an act.

“Are you ready to go downstairs for dinner?” I don’t answer, just make sure that Saoirse is finished, put myself back together, and then get up with her.

He walks in front of me with Connor, and I walk with her in my arms. The closer I get to the sound of voices, the more I feel myself detaching. I had been fully present for my kids, but here, I can’t afford to be, so I have to step back and shut myself off once more. When we get there, the talking dies down as I put my daughter in her high chair. Sade gets Connor in his. Fuck, if I didn’t know how fucked up all of this was, we would look so much like the perfect family. Just one more lie in the sea of them that surrounds me now.

I get some crackers and juice for Saoirse, and then get some water for myself. I sit and pay attention to the kids only, checking on Connor as he starts to eat the food on the little plate in front of him. He’s always been a good eater, so I don’t usually have to worry about him balking. Saoirse seems to be following in his footsteps, but we’ll see.

I’m glad when no one attempts to speak to me. It gives me a break from the unending bullshit. I ignore everything and everyone except my kids. I am also stealing myself. I know that after last night, there is no way in hell he will leave me alone. So, now are they going to rip my kids away from me again, or leave them with me as a gag basically? He has to know that I would never intentionally traumatize my kids. That puts a lot of pressure on what I can and can’t do without them hearing me scream and us fighting.

The locks on my prison keep multiplying, and they are weighing heavily on my tenuous sanity.