41-An Unwanted Moment

September 18, 2016. 14:00.

Same world: world I.

The moment of truth arrives. I can't do anything but release my negative feelings with a sigh. I realize they took this "making me feel comfortable" thing very seriously, as Raven is in her special chair right next to me. She's in between Dakota and me. Chad is driving this time in his car, and Liry is in hers to take her parents to the same destination. It's the most logical thing to do because so many people wouldn't fit in the same car unless it was a van.

The baby is sleeping. Liry explained to me that she usually feels drowsy after eating. And, apparently, she doesn't cry much. Only when she's hungry or wants to sleep.

"Have you heard of the theory of parallel universes, Eron?" Chad blurts out out of nowhere.

Honestly, I don't know what he's trying to accomplish by asking me something as absurd as that. Do I look like a circus to follow along with the joke like a clown? But Dakota plays along and responds:

"It's very interesting. You could have asked me too, professor," she asserts. She speaks with a lot of confidence. "Anyway, it's incredible to think that there could be so many alternate realities to ours. What would have happened if any of us didn't exist, for example? Would there be a world that develops without our existence? I'm very curious about it."

I remain silent. I feel unable to answer those questions. Personally, I have imagined a world where I don't exist, and I don't think it would make much difference to this reality. I don't want to die, Freddie Mercury would say, but sometimes I wish I hadn't been born.

Chad answers that question like the nerd that he is. I don't want to keep the conversation going at this point. So, I listen to music the whole time until we are a few meters away from the Fairview Cemetery in Bismarck, North Dakota. My chest tightens. The journey was much shorter than I expected, and even the traffic wasn't an obstacle to getting to the destination quickly. Why does time go by so fast when I want it to be slow? These months have been eternal, but recently things seem to be happening faster.

After getting out of the car and taking the baby, I find myself with the rest of the Hope family. None of them show a happy or sad expression. I see… neutrality? Chad is the calmest, but there's no need to emphasize that.

I follow Diana Hope towards the grave where Faven lies… Yes. To that same place. Why? No, I still don't understand.

My heart beats very fast. My eyes move over the dozens of tombstones beside me, where I read the names of many people who lost their lives in various ways, and the river of my thoughts is turbulent and blurry when I think that I'll soon read that name.

We walk a few more minutes through the garden that makes up the cemetery. When everyone stops, I close my eyes. I feel the baby in my arms move. Maybe she woke up from the walk. Who knows? I know nothing about babies.

At this point, I remain silent. I hear Diana Hope cry for the first time since I arrived in North Dakota. Then I hear Angus Hope talk to "Faven" and his voice breaks at the end of each sentence. He's holding back the urge to cry, surely. I still don't dare to open my eyes.

Dakota also talks to him. She tells him she misses him. She doesn't delve much into herself, but she takes care of telling him how she and I came together to this place. She tells him that her wish for us to start getting along came true and that she hoped to remain my friend for a long time.

Friend… Does she consider me her friend?

I didn't expect that. Not at all. I don't even have a chance to process the situation because Liry also talks to the gravestone. She's the only one who isn't crying, apparently. Or, at least, I don't hear her. She's there for minutes that I don't dare to count. I rock the crying baby in my arms as her mother speaks. Then… the moment I was least expecting arrives.

My turn.

"Faven, I want you to meet someone very special. He arrived after you left," I open my eyes and see Liry caressing the gravestone. "Eron is going to introduce her to you, okay? I love you, little brother."

I can't hear anymore. My heartbeats reach my ears to the point that they start to hurt. I try to take a deep breath because I still have Raven in my arms and the last thing I want is to cause another tragedy for this family.

I open my eyes and keep my gaze on the ground even when I sit in front of… his grave. The grass and stones press my legs a little, but I prefer it this way for the safety of little Raven. As I hear her cry once again, I start to suspect that the heaviness of the atmosphere is absorbing her, so I force myself to do something about it.

"Hello, Favie," I swallow hard, "she… she is Raven," I turn to the girl so she can see the name before me. Although, well, she can't read, obviously, "she is… she is a lovely girl. You would have loved her so much," the knot in my throat starts to grow, "Raven… I introduce you to your uncle," then, before I regret it, I look up. Then I can read all the information, "This is Faven Robbie Hope. He was 22 years old," my smile is bitter, "he went on… on a long journey on his birthday."

I start to shake. Tears stream down my cheeks without me being able to stop them. They don't ask for permission. They just… flow.

"Chad, please hold the baby," I ask. Suddenly, I no longer have her in my arms, "Why…?" I kneel down and hold the gravestone in my hands, "Why did you leave, you big idiot!?" I scream with all my might as I shake back and forth, "We had so much to do in this world, Faven! The world needs you to continue its course, you imbecile!" My voice breaks at the end. I start to sob, "I… I miss you," my voice comes out as a whisper, "Come back, please. I will teach you to sing better and we will compose music together. I swear. Stop joking around, it's not funny. Don't joke like this, Faven! Don't… don't be a clown."

I shake myself again as I speak. I hear Dakota cry.

"I won't let people think you were an idiot," I promise, "I won't allow those idiots to keep filling their mouths with shit about you, Faven. I'm sorry for limiting you to a closed-minded thought that I had in my shitty mind. You don't deserve to be remembered as a loser," I lower my head and sob again on the edge of the gravestone, "I swear to you, and to your family, that your image will be cleansed. Only…," my voice lowers in volume, "come back, please."

And, for the first time, I cry my heart out in front of him after seven months. His family also cries with me, or so I believe. In some corner of my heart, I start to accept this fucking reality. That space in my mind that had hoped to see him again once, shatters into pieces. And I cry, and cry. Like I've never cried alone in my room.

I cry because Faven Hope will never laugh out loud again.