Chapter 59 Fifty nine

Chapter 59 Fifty nine

Nora.

I cannot unlove him. The memory of his voice echoing through the quiet of the night haunts my every thought. "Pancake?" Lizzie's voice cuts through the haze of my recollections. Pancakes. I can't help but recall that night when I taught Howard how to make pancakes after we made love. He appeared so content and at peace in that moment. I knew he was at his best when he was with me. His affection was evident in his lingering kisses, his soft caresses, and the way he held me close through the night. I can't forget the sensation of his lips pressed against mine, igniting a passion that was all-consuming. I can't forget the serenity in his expression as he slept beside me.

I can't forget how he made everything seem okay, how he made my worries dissipate in his presence. I can't deny that I'm still in love with him, and that realization is slowly crushing me. 

I saw all the signs, they were there all along, and yet, I chose not to pay heed. I wanted to believe in his sincerity, in the depths of his affection. I yearned to trust that the way he looked at me held genuine promises, that he would stay no matter the obstacles we faced. I wanted to believe he had no intention of causing me pain. I believed he was different, or perhaps I simply needed him to be different, and that belief is what kept me going.

But today, on my 19th birthday, it hit me harder than ever, and the truth I've been avoiding crashes over me like a tidal wave. Howard is not here to celebrate with me, to make me feel cherished on this special day. And on my birthday, I can't ignore the painful revelation that he truly never loved me. Not really. 

I find solace in the presence of Lizzie and Paara, who've traveled from Greenbell to be with me on this bittersweet day. Their attempts to lift my spirits haven't gone unnoticed. "Nora... what's wrong? Talk to us," Lizzie implores, concern etching her voice. Paara, chimes in with a teasing suggestion, "Is it the pregnancy hormones?" They're both trying to discern the source of my malaise, but they couldn't be farther from the truth.

Tears trickle down my cheeks as I struggle to form words that might explain my anguish. "I just want to lie here all day and do nothing," I mutter, feeling the weight of my heartache bear down on me. My emotions get the better of me, and I burst into tears. It's as if I'm unable to suppress the immense pain that's been building within me. I have to confide in my friends, to share the immense sadness that's threatening to consume me. They wrap their arms around me, offering comfort, and it only causes me to cry even harder.

"I'm so sad," I confess, my voice shaky, tears flowing freely. "I'm not happy here, I swear," I choke on my own words, barely able to get them out. My admission is met with an odd reaction from Lizzie. "You're not happy?" she asks, her voice tinged with disbelief. Their faces mirror the shock that's settled within my heart. I sit up, trying to wipe away the relentless tears. "I'm not happy, Lizzie. Howard and I are not happy. We are not happy couple, we never were," I admit, baring my soul to my dearest friends.

I pour my heart out, sharing the complexity of my relationship with Howard. How I had fallen in love with him long before I knew he was my mate, how I agreed with Herman to marry Howard because I had to be with him, despite his reservations. I had hoped our marriage would bring change, that things would get better. Some days were indeed good, but others were unbearable. Now, we were in the midst of one of those difficult stretches, and I felt utterly lost.

My heartache weighs me down, making it hard to breathe. I hoped that sharing my inner turmoil would help ease the pain, but it only intensifies. I collapse onto my pillow, weeping uncontrollably. 

When my friends remain silent, I sit up once more, gazing at them through my tears. "Say something!" I cry out, my voice trembling. Lizzie starts to speak but falters, her astonishment evident. 

Paara mutters, "Oh goodness," and gently reaches out to hold me in her comforting embrace. I rest my head on her shoulder, tears still streaming, as the pain inside me feels as heavy as ever.

"You're so good at hiding your true feelings. What the hell? For the whole year, Nora? And you're just telling me?" Lizzie's voice held a mixture of hurt and disappointment, and it was completely justified. She was my best friend, and I had no reason to hide this from her. I reached out to grasp her hand, pleading, "I'm so sorry. I just... I didn't want to worry you, and I didn't want you to talk me out of marrying Howard, but now it's too late."

She withdrew her hand gently, shaking her head in response. "We could've gone through everything together. We could've worked on finding a solution, Nora," she said softly, her tone full of understanding.

I gave her a sad smile and nodded, feeling regret washing over me. "I should've come to you from the very beginning, but I was afraid of being judged..."

"Judged? Why would I judge you for finding love?" Lizzie's smile was warm, and in that moment, I felt less foolish for my apprehensions. This was one of the many reasons why I loved her.

Paara chimed in, her hands soothingly rubbing my shoulder. "What's happening now, honey?"

I took a deep sigh before responding, "I don't know. I just... I thought that when I got pregnant with the pack's first heir, things might change. But they haven't. He still doesn't want me, and I don't even know if he wants the baby." Their reactions were immediate, and both of them gasped in disbelief.

"What a jerk!" Lizzie exclaimed, her anger palpable.

"Asshole," Paara added, echoing the sentiment. Their anger helped ease some of the weight from my shoulders.

"How could he not want what he helped make?" Lizzie demanded, her frustration evident.

I shrugged, feeling helpless and clueless about Howard's motivations. "I know it may sound stupid, but he really is dealing with a lot..."

"To hell with that, Nora. That doesn't justify what he did to you. Does he know the consequences of this decision he's making? What would that leave you two? The pack? The heir," Paara's voice was sharp and unforgiving.

"Who cares about the pack or the heir? What Nora is going through is what matters," Lizzie stated, underscoring our friendship's unwavering support.

I remained silent in Paara's comforting embrace, allowing their anger to wash over me. They were right. Howard had acted terribly, and I couldn't deny that he was being selfish and inconsiderate. But deep down, despite all his flaws, I still believed that Howard was hiding something, something significant that kept him from showing his true emotions.

"I really didn't think things would turn out this way," I murmured, attempting to interject in the midst of their heated arguments.

"You shouldn't have tolerated his bullshit for this long, Nora. You're better than this!" Lizzie's voice was laced with anger, and it mirrored the storm raging inside me. I knew she was probably angrier than I was, and I couldn't blame her. I should be furious, too, but my love for Howard was a gnawing pain I couldn't instantly erase. It would take time, and that realization made my anger less intense than I wished it could be.

"You know what, screw him. Today is your birthday, and he's not supposed to take your shine, baby girl! We're making pancakes now," Lizzie declared with a determined spirit, tugging me away from my bed. My mind wandered to that time we made pancakes together, Howard and I. The memory was bittersweet, and it brought tears to my eyes.

"Pancakes! He loves pancakes," I cried as I was reluctantly pulled out of my bed. I had wanted to mourn my heartache until I felt numb or indulge in some comfort food like ice cream, but my friends had other plans. They were determined to turn this day around for me.

Reluctantly, I followed them downstairs, my face still marked by tears. I was only wearing a knee-length pajama shirt, and I felt like a total wreck. When we entered the kitchen, it was evident that breakfast had already been prepared.

"Can't we just have what the chefs cooked? I don't have the energy to do anything," I complained, slumping onto a barstool. Lizzie let out a sigh and nodded in understanding.

"We can, Nora, but we're going to the salon after breakfast. You look like a mess," she said, glancing at my disheveled hair. It was true; I hadn't bothered with my hair for nearly two weeks, and it resembled the wild aftermath of a storm. I sighed and accepted her suggestion.

I sat at the bar, and Lizzie generously piled food onto my plate, knowing that I wouldn't be able to eat much of it. 

As I stared down at my untouched meal, memories surfaced of the first time I had breakfast in this kitchen all by myself, imagining what my life could be like with Howard. Back then, I had clung to a glimmer of hope, even amidst my misery. If only I had known how things would unravel, maybe I would've run away – or maybe not. My love for Howard ran deep, and I was willing to endure any storm if it meant being with him. But he didn't want me, or our child, and that reality was unbearable.

"Stop thinking about him," Paara's words cut through my reverie. I blinked away my tears to look at her.

"You really don't get it," I said, my voice cracking under the weight of my emotions. The two of them exchanged a knowing glance and sighed in unison.

"You're right," Lizzie conceded, her hand resting gently on mine. "We may not fully understand what you're going through, but we're here for you, hun."

I sighed, my throat raw from the pain and misery I couldn't escape. All I could manage was a nod, as I struggled to cope with the heartache that seemed unbearable.

After breakfast, they urged me to take a shower, even though all I wanted was to spend the day in bed, letting my tears flow freely. It was my 19th birthday, yet it felt like just another miserable day in a string of many. The warm water washed away the lingering sorrow but couldn't cleanse my heavy heart. 

Lizzie, ever the optimistic one, picked out a beautiful knee-length pink dress for me. It was too pretty for a day like this, but she insisted, saying, "It's your birthday. You deserve the best." Her words brought a faint smile to my lips. The dress did make me feel a bit better, like I could face the world.

"What are we doing next?" I inquired, eager to dive into whatever distractions they had planned for the day.

"We're heading to the salon first to get your hair done. Then we'll go shopping, you haven't done that in ages, and we'll swing by the bakery for a birthday cake. We'll have a mini party, just the three of us," Lizzie exclaimed with excitement, and Paara joined in her enthusiasm.

I nodded, appreciating the distraction they were creating for me. It was a relief to step away from thoughts of Howard and everything else that had been bothering me.

Lizzie offered to apply makeup for me, but I opted to go natural. My face probably looked like a wreck, with visible signs of exhaustion and eye bags, but I didn't care. I hadn't stepped out for a long time and had been on bed rest. The responsibilities I usually handled had been entrusted to the female elders until I regained my strength.

As we left my chamber, Lizzie delivered an encouraging pep talk, motivating me with her words, which I trusted wholeheartedly. She assured me that I would eventually move on, even though it seemed impossible at the moment. I knew it would be a tough journey, especially with Howard around, but hearing Lizzie's support made it feel slightly more attainable.

Just as we reached the stairs, we heard Howard's voice. A knot formed in my stomach, and I started to breathe more rapidly. My friends noticed and looked at me, concerned.

"Should we go back to your..." Lizzie began, but I cut her off with a strained, "No, it's okay. I'll be fine." I forced a smile, trying to conceal my escalating panic. My palms grew sweaty, and my body felt as if it was going numb. I could hear Howard's voice, and he was approaching.

When he appeared in front of us, ending his phone call, his eyes swept over me from head to toe. I thought I detected a brief flicker of awe and amusement in his gaze, but it swiftly shifted to a furrowed brow.

"We need to talk, Nora," he stated, and my breath caught in my throat.

"She doesn't want to," Lizzie declared for me, her protective instincts flaring.

Howard gave her a look before returning his gaze to me. "She can talk for herself," he retorted, unaware of the fiery nature of my friend.

I considered avoiding conversation with Howard, but the curiosity gnawed at me. I wanted to know what he had to say, even though I didn't want to hear it. I hated that I couldn't summon the anger to curse him out, which he probably deserved.

"It's okay. I'll catch up with you outside," I told my friends. Lizzie hesitated, glaring at Howard before finally leaving. He observed their retreat and then turned back to me, looking taken aback by my harsh tone.

I crossed my arms over my chest, concealing the tremors in my hands as the tension between us mounted. Howard swallowed hard, unable to find his voice. With each passing second of his silence, my anxiety grew, intensifying my anticipation for the conversation that lay ahead.