Chapter 91

Nathan's POV

I took a deep breath. I had always told James everything, and this time was no different. I told him about Richard's impending death, Derek's betrayal to the family, and admitted my betrayal of Lily. Each word felt like a stone weighing on my chest.

"Where's Derek?" James asked, his eyes still on the road ahead.

"Not here, I told him to stay away from our affairs." I sighed. I still couldn't forget my brother's words; if I were honest with myself, they weren't entirely wrong. Derek was a traitor, but so was I?

"I appreciate your help here, I know you've been avoiding me," I smiled at James, even though the smile didn't reach my eyes. I had never forgotten his reaction when I confessed about betraying Lily.

"I kept you in the house so you could betray a pregnant woman," James had told me, almost ending our friendship. I had almost lost him then.

"I told you I'm sorry." I said, my voice low. I knew there was a lot I needed to fix, and maybe I should have groveled to Lily until my death. But even that wouldn't be enough to atone for my betrayal.

"Don't apologize to me, apologize to Lily." James sneered, his voice filled with dissatisfaction.

Then his expression softened, filled with concern. "I mean, you'll tell her, right?" James' words echoed Richard's, I had to tell her.

I closed my eyes, feeling a wave of dizziness. After all this was over, I did want to tell her, I knew I had to ask for her forgiveness, but I didn't want to ruin our relationship. I couldn't take that risk.

Agreeing with everything Lily had done to wash away my guilt. I had thought about how if I hadn't betrayed her, my reaction to hiding Christopher and saving Tyler would have been different, and the answer was no. I would have been furious, I would have felt betrayed.

I knew I had no right to be angry, so I just said the same thing: it's okay, I don't want to argue. I didn't even have the right to be angry.

"James," I sighed, "do you remember how difficult it was to convince her to move in with me?"

"Of course I remember." James rolled his eyes. "It's like history repeating itself, because what do you think I'm feeling now?"

"It was me who told her to tell you, look how things turned out?" Nathan, you've betrayed her." James said, his eyes filled with disappointment.

"I know!" I stopped him from going on, my voice louder than I intended. "I know what I did, I can't fix it—but what do you think will happen when I tell her?"

"It's Lily, she'll pack her bags, take the child, return the ring to you—and then leave." James told me straightforwardly. "But this time is different, this time she has family to take care of her—so you can let her decide for herself."

I tightly gripped the steering wheel, my knuckles turning white from the pressure. "If you're worried about the Donovan family hating you, don't worry—because you know Lily loves you, she'll always protect your reputation."

"I don't care if they hate me—I care if Lily doesn't love me. I care if she leaves with my daughter." I said, my voice breaking. That was my biggest fear, even more terrifying than death.

"You should still tell her, you know. You might lose Lily, but she won't keep the child away from you—she grew up in a family-less environment, you know she's not that kind of person." James' voice softened, with genuine concern.

"Maybe that's for the best." James shrugged, and I looked at him in shock. "What?"

"I mean, honestly—your relationship? Extremely toxic, maybe it's better to separate." James expressed his true feelings, looking straight ahead at the road.

I knew what James was thinking. For months, he understood that separation might be better than being together. Our personalities didn't match, our views on life didn't match—even our love for each other couldn't change that.

"Toxic?" I chuckled bitterly, the bitterness evident in my laughter. I was well aware of James' thoughts. I knew our relationship was toxic, yet Lily still painted me as the best person on Earth. If roles were reversed, I would have left her long ago.

Only hearing her pain every time I joked about her stupidity, I realized what was a joke to me was definitely not a joke to her. She always accepted it with a smile, but I could see the pain in her eyes.

William's words echoed in my mind: How can you love someone you barely know?

It was a question I still hadn't found the answer to, because I did love Lily. I knew she deserved better, but I didn't want to lose her or the child. I was too selfish, unable to let go.

"Don't forget you forgave Victoria." James continued in my ear. "You can't forgive your own brother, but you can forgive Victoria—the same one who also tried to kill her, the same Victoria you even slept with in the next room while Lily was across—"

"I know!" I said sharply, feeling a sharp pain piercing my chest. "I know, you don't need to remind me—I know!"

"Oh, you know?" James said sarcastically. "Then do better, be a better fiancé and father."

"I will." I promised to myself, my voice low but firm. Not many dared to point Nathan in the right direction, not even Michael could make me realize my mistakes, but James could. He always could.

I knew I was wrong, but hearing these things from my best friend felt different. It was a pain I couldn't ignore.

When all this was over, I would change into a better man, as promised, change the family business, and give everything to my daughter. I had to.

"You know, many of your issues come from your inability to express your feelings, so you turn to alcohol and smoking, and everything went wrong from there. Maybe you need professional help." James suggested, his voice filled with genuine concern.

"I've quit them all, I don't want to be a bad role model, and I don't want to become like my father," I defended myself, even though I knew it wasn't nearly enough.

"That's good, that's a start." James smiled and patted my shoulder, his touch bringing me some comfort. "If you had started earlier—"

"Then I wouldn't have to worry about Lily leaving me." I finished his sentence for him, feeling a wave of bitterness wash over me.

I looked out the window, we were getting close to our destination. In a few minutes, we would meet the others, and then execute the plan. I just hoped my decisions wouldn't lead to any harm coming to Lily. If anything happened to her, I would never forgive myself.

I silently prayed, hoping that my plan would succeed. For Lily, for our child, and for all of us.