Chapter 55 Crazier

Chapter 55 Crazier
Rachel Jennings,

How could a simple word hurt so much? This relationship is fake, so why did I feel lost and helpless when those words left Jayden's pink lips? He seemed so serene, almost anesthetized, while I felt the world spinning. Why is this affecting me so much? They say that, in the end, a movie with the best moments flashes in our heads, and all I can remember is him coming to save me on the day of the blizzard. On that day, he braved the weather and my own stubbornness to declare his love for me. Now, the same mouth that said he was in love with me was saying that it was over, and I didn't know how to react, so I just lowered my head, trying not to cry.

"I understand. I know being my fake boyfriend hasn't been a fun task," I said, hiding my trembling hands in the pockets of my jeans.

"It's been torturous," he confessed, his voice weak.

I stared at him in surprise, my face burning for some reason I didn't know.

"Well, sorry, I didn't know I was being so unbearable," I retorted, irritated.

"So now you know. It's been unbearable, torturous, and desperate," he stated, counting on his tattooed fingers, and I wrinkled my nose, ready to curse him, but he continued. "I don't want to pretend to be your boyfriend anymore, Rachel. I think my feelings for you are more than clear now. I was even surprised by the extent of it because today, as I opened cupboard after cupboard trying to find you, all I could do was cry, imagining what I would do if I lost you," he stated, approaching me, and his lips were just inches away from mine. "I didn't even know I could want someone this much, but I do. I want you, and that's why I can't pretend anymore that this relationship is fake, because it's real to me."

In all my years at the debate club, I had never been silenced by any argument, no matter how intelligent, but now, in front of those brown eyes that seemed to see into my soul, the words seemed to escape my mind.

"You only think that because I'm an unexplored territory for you. The moment I give in, you'll get bored and run away from me as you did with Lexie!" I asserted, but my trembling voice conveyed no credibility.

"Can you stop predicting a hypothetical future that you can't know if it's real? You can't say that I'll get bored, and you can't reduce my feelings to mere curiosity. Day after day, since we got closer, I've done everything for you! I defend you, I protect you, I risk myself in a blizzard for you!" He enumerated his actions, and for some reason, that irritated me.

"And what do you want, Jayden? A prize for that? I didn't ask you to do any of those things. I've always managed on my own. I've taken care of myself since I was eight years old, and I don't need anyone now!" I asserted, but the tears that stung my eyes finally rolled down.

"I don't want any prize, Rachel. I just wanted you to admit that there's something between us and give it a chance before jumping into a relationship with someone who has never seen you!" He argued, gesturing with his hands, and I couldn't understand why everything he said made me so angry.

"Why? If we haven't even tried, and we're already fighting like cat and dog! You know what relationships like that can do to people, Jayden? They can destroy you into so many pieces that you'll never be able to put yourself back together," I retorted, raising my voice, and breaking down, but he just stared at me incredulously and sighed.

"I wouldn't mind being destroyed by you, Rachel," he confessed, and my legs weakened. "Do you think it would be different from what I'm feeling right now? Do you think you're not already destroying me with your words?" He asked, wiping away a tear rolling down his face. "You're the first girl I've ever fallen in love with and the first one to reject me. How do you think that makes me feel?" He insisted, but his gaze shifted to my lips, and I lost my breath.

My lips trembled, my hands sweated, and before I knew it, I was clinging to his neck. His warm lips enveloped mine, his strong arms pulled me close, and before I realized it, I was on tiptoe. Our tongues fought a battle with no winners, and my fingers lost themselves in his black hair. The tears didn't stop flowing, and I knew I had never felt anything like it in my entire life.

It's precisely this thought that scares me and makes me pull back. I've always learned to be cautious because I grew up surrounded by people who didn't care about anything, not even about me. People who lived the kind of love that Jayden was offering me. An explosive, hot, scary, and inconsistent love. The same hand I used to pull him towards me now rested on his chest, pushing him away, even though every fiber of my being begged for more.

Unable to face him, I kept my eyes closed, squeezing them shut, trying to resist his taste of ripe fruit. I was being drawn like a bee to honey, and I had to fight against myself. This can't be normal. I've always wanted a calm, tranquil love that brought me peace. But with Jayden, all I feel is breathlessness, a tremor that runs through my whole body, and above all, fear that he'll change his mind.

"I can't, Jayden, I can't risk it. Today, I'm the only girl who rejected you. If that changes, tomorrow I'll just be another one on your endless list," I asserted, the sobs of my crying obvious.

"How can you think you'll be just another one? Do you think this kiss was just another normal kiss? It wasn't! Every time I kiss you, it's like erasing all the mouths I've ever kissed in my life. How can you pretend that this isn't real? I know you feel the same. You're fooling yourself by saying you love Jasper when, in fact, you're just choosing the path you consider safer!" He argues, and I shake my head.

"You don't know anything about my feelings!" I retorted, and he sighed.

"You're right. Maybe I don't know anything, but I know it's impossible to have this kind of chemistry and feel nothing. But if you want to keep fooling yourself, go ahead, Rachel! I just won't be a part of it anymore," he states and walks away, leaving me standing in a corridor for the second time that day.

I didn't have the strength to go after him, and I wouldn't even know what to say. He was jumping ship, and he had every right to. But I stayed there, adrift, not knowing how to swim and with no lifeboat in sight. I sat by the window, crying until I sobbed, and only stopped when the door of one of the classrooms was opened, and several students started to leave, as if nothing had happened.