Chapter 58-3

“I don’t want to.” “What?” “I said I don’t want to.” When her eyes regarded him the next moment, they were moist and trembling, the blue in her iris darkening to a color near the hue of the current sky. It wasn’t just that. Not only her eyes, but when she spoke, her hands, her legs, Chase suddenly noticed they were all shaking. “I don’t… Why are we here? I don’t… want to… I’m… Chase… I’m scared.” “Don’t be,” he said coldly. “Let’s go.” He reached for her hand, but Krislynn quickly stepped back, her head shaking furiously from side to side. “No!” She cried. “Why? Why are you doing this to me? What are we doing up there? Let’s just go home. I want to go home.” “We’re not going home,” he said, and sighing after shifting his legs, Chase decided he couldn’t hide it from her any longer. “You know how some people go up mountains to watch sunsets or go stargazing Piglet?” Krislynn stammered and gave a quick nod. “Well… we’re going thunderstorm gazing.” Immediately Krislynn turned around and headed back down toward the car. Chase swore under his breath, but didn’t waste anymore time to reflect on his failure. Picking up his pace, he ran after her and grabbed onto her arm to spin her around. “Stop! Where do you think you’re going?!” “Away from you!” She shouted. “How can you do this to me Chase? You know I… You know I don’t do thunderstorms and you’re what? You’re taking me thunderstorm gazing?!” Her eyes filled with tears, but Krislynn bit down on her lip and refused to let them fall. “Are you out of your mind? Or was I just wrong about you this whole time?!” Before Chase had time to retaliate, Krislynn swung her arm back and ripped it out of Chase’s grasp. “Krislynn I…” He sighed, watching her turn her back and continue her way back down before he grabbed a lock of his hair and tugged at it in anger. “Look, I know you’re scared of it! I haven’t forgotten!” His voice rung from where he planted his feet. “But what? Are you never going to face it? Are you planning to be scared of it, to hide under a table every time there’s a thunderstorm for the rest of your life?!” “And what if I do? And what if I don’t?” She spat. “It’s none of your business Chase. It’s my fear, and I’ll get over it on my own time. Fears aren’t like that – they aren’t something you can just get rid if you think you can get rid of it. Don’t look down at my fear like it’s no big deal. It’s no big deal to you, but to me, it’s not just a fear, it’s a big black gap in my heart.” Closing her eyes, Krislynn released a breath. She felt bad for yelling, but her body was shaking and she was unnerved and unwell. “I’m sorry Chase. I know you want to help me and you mean this in goodwill but…” “I don’t.” “What?” Chase shrugged. “I know you probably think I’m doing this for you Krislynn, but I’m not. I’m not as good as a person you might take me to be. I’m selfish and I only care about myself.” Closing the distance between them, Chase took slow strides and stared sadly into Krislynn’s eyes when he reached her. He lowered his head and stood so close to her that their foreheads might touch if he only leaned a little more forward. “You might be okay with spending the rest of your life hiding under tables, but I can’t do that. I have no idea where your life might take you, how far it’ll take you, or whether I have a part in it at the end, but I… I don’t want to spend the rest of my life looking up at the sky every time there’s a thunderstorm, wondering to myself, ‘is she doing okay right now? Is she scared? Is she crying? Does she have someone there to protect her?’ I don’t want to worry about you like that. It’s pathetic. “I know that getting over a fear isn’t so simple, but you said you wanted to do something to comfort me today right? Then do this one thing. Give me a peace of mind and let me see you try to face your scars at least. As long as… as long as you’re not scared to the point where you become unable to function, then I’ll… I’ll be comforted by that.” Taking a step back, Chase held out his hand to her, but that was as far as he allowed himself to go. Only halfway, he’d only extend his hand halfway because if Krislynn wasn’t ready – if she wasn’t able to hold out her hand and reach for his – then no matter how far Chase extended his hand, his fingers would never reach hers. “I’ll stand right beside you,” he said softly. “So will you let yourself trust me?” Krislynn couldn’t reply to his question. All she seemed to be able to manage was to keep her eyes staring intently at the hand he had held out to her. She didn’t know if she should take it. Her head screamed ‘no’ and violently shook her nerves and all the muscles it controlled, making her entire body tremble and shake. But her heart, despite how tightly it hugged her chest and made it hard for her to catch her breath, seemed gentle and accepting. Her hand lifted, her fingers unsteady, but she wasn’t sure whether she should reach for his hand. Maybe this was what she needed. Maybe after all this running away, after keeping distance from all the people she had met in her life besides Ella, after all the childhood scars her parents had inevitably implanted in her, maybe this hand was what she had been waiting for. Maybe he was what she had been waiting for. Or maybe not, her head whispered. Biting her lip, Krislynn slid her shaky hand on top of his. She was smiling. She couldn’t help it. His hand, his warmth, the kind of eyes he gazed at her with, the type of smile he showered her with, it all made her weak lips curl into a soft smile. His hand gripped around her tinier ones tightly, but with enough gentleness not to hurt her. This feeling, this warmth, maybe this was what she had been waiting for all her life. Or maybe not, she thought. Smiling, her eyes still damp, her body still trembling lightly with fear, Krislynn gripped back on Chase’s hand. Or maybe not. Maybe he wasn’t the thing she’d been waiting for, but to stand here with him today, to share this feeling with him, this moment, even if he wasn’t… that was okay.