Chapter 17 – Isabelle

Since I spilled my guts to Grayson about Brandon’s accident—two days ago—I’ve been doing everything in my power to avoid him. I’m not sure why, though. He’s been nothing but understanding and supportive. But I told him something no one else knows, and then I cried in front of him. There’s no way I can face him after that. Too bad I can’t skip Spanish, too, because practicing our dance every day is not helping my cause.

“Mom?” I walk inside and drop my bag to the floor. The house is quiet, and I do my routine check of each room. She’s once again face down on her bed, passed out. For a few moments on Sunday, I thought maybe things were improving, that Mom might actually stop drinking and get her life together, especially after she apologized to me. But by the time I got home from the store that day, she was drunk. Again.

I close her bedroom door and trudge into the kitchen. My appetite vanished days ago, so I don’t bother cooking dinner. Dad probably won’t be home tonight anyway. He hasn’t been home since before he left for his work trip to Chicago. I grab a bottle of water from the fridge and head upstairs.

My cell phone rings, and Lakewood Valley Christian Church appears on my screen. It’s probably Martha calling to see if I want to come back to choir. I swipe to accept the call. “Hello?”

“Isabelle? This is Pastor Jeff. How are you?”

Why on earth is Cam’s father calling me? Even when Cam and I were dating his father never called me. I flop down on my bed. “I’m okay. How are you?”

“Good.” He sounds distracted. “Is this a good time to talk?”

“Uh, yeah, it’s fine.” Nervous energy buzzes through my veins. “Is something wrong?”

“I don’t think so. At least, I hope not. I’m worried about you,” he says in a rush. “Martha tells me you quit choir, and Cam says you’re no longer attending youth group. Is everything okay with you?”

“Yes.” How dare Cam tell on me like that? He should be happy I’m not in youth group. He can be with Andrea without having to worry about my feelings—not that he cares anyway.

“Well, I guess I’m not sure if your heart is still in this church what with you pulling away from everything and everyone. If you’re struggling in your walk with God, I can help.”

I stand and pace. “No, I’m okay with God. I think.” What exactly did Cam tell his father? And how much is the truth? Anger sparks in my chest and spreads like wildfire. “Did Cam tell you I brought a friend to church on Sunday, and everyone was rude to him?” I momentarily regret my words—and my harsh tone—but when I think about how Grayson was treated, I no longer care.

“He briefly mentioned something about you being there with another boy.” Pastor Jeff clears his throat. “Please, tell me what happened.”

I recount the events, explaining how angry Cam was and how no one other than Mrs. Stratton said hello to him.

“Well, that’s certainly…upsetting.” He clears his throat again, and I can imagine him wiping his brow and shifting in his chair. He does that when he’s nervous. But he isn’t apologizing for how Cam or his congregation behaved. Nor is he suggesting I invite Grayson again so Pastor Jeff can meet him.

“It’s very upsetting. I have never been so embarrassed.” There’s an accusatory edge to my tone, and I try to temper it when I speak again. “I was so excited to share my church with him, and now he’ll probably never want to come back.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Rustling noises muffle his words. “But with all due respect, Isabelle, my concern is for you. I don’t know this boy you brought, but I do know it upset my son greatly.”

Is he for real?

“Which is what prompted me to make this call. It’s no secret how hard I, and everyone else, has worked to grow this church into what it is today. God has truly blessed our congregation.” He slips into his sermon voice, and I refrain from groaning as he continues. “A church is like a living, breathing body, and when even one person sows disunity, the whole thing begins to break down. And, well, considering you’ve excluded yourself from all of the church’s groups, I can’t help but wonder—do you still want to be a part of Lakewood Valley Christian?”

I freeze, and my eyes widen with realization. That’s why he’s calling—to ask if I want to be a member of his church? Is my membership dependent on my involvement with choir and youth group? Is he going to ask me to leave? Tears pool in my eyes. I’ve already lost so much. What will I do if I lose my church, too?

“Isabelle?” he asks, interrupting my internal freak out. “Maybe you need to pray about this and see where God leads you.”

Isn’t my pastor supposed to support me and guide me in my walk with God? Didn’t he literally just tell me he’d help me? If so, why does it feel like he’s trying to push me away? I squeeze my eyes shut and force in a lungful of air. Everything Grayson told me about his old church rushes through my mind—the judgment he endured. The humiliation. The complete lack of grace and forgiveness. Is that what’s happening here, too?

“Isabelle?” he says again, the aggravation evident in his tone.

“I think you’re right, Pastor Jeff. Maybe I need to take some time to myself to pray about it.”

He exhales loudly. “The church doors are open to you whenever you want to come back.”

“Thanks.” I end the call and toss my phone on the bed. What else can go wrong this year?

***

The following morning when I’m standing at my locker, Hannah marches up to me and pokes me in the arm. “What is the matter with you?”

“What?” I rub my arm, trying to ease the sting her finger left.

“Did you seriously quit church?”

I groan. The only way she can possibly know that is if Pastor Jeff told Cam and Cam told Hannah. So much for confidentiality.

“Yes,” I say after a moment.

“Next thing I know, you’ll be turning your back on God altogether.”

“Why shouldn’t I? He hasn’t done anything for me lately.”

She narrows her eyes and gives me a look meant to strike me dead. Okay, so maybe I crossed the line with that, but seriously. I go to church regularly, pray, live a wholesome life, and even minister to those who will listen. And what has it gotten me? A dead brother. An alcoholic mother. A father who can’t wait to file for divorce and walk out on us. A boyfriend who lies and cheats with my best friend. I’ve been a good Christian, and my only reward is a God who ignores my prayers and destroys my life.

“Listen, I—”

She holds her hand up to silence me. “First you drop out of choir. Then you stop going to youth group. You verbally attack Andrea at the bonfire. And now you’re quitting church. What is the matter with you?” Disgust drips from her words.

“I told you why I quit choir and youth group. And Andrea had it coming for what she did to me.” I scowl. “And for your information, Pastor Jeff called me yesterday and basically told me to stop coming. I simply agreed with him.”

Hannah scoffs. “It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.”

I stare at her, dumbfounded. “I’m sorry. Did you miss the part where I said Pastor Jeff asked me to leave?” I cross my arms. “Or the part where Cam broke up with me? How can you possibly expect me to stay in choir and youth group when he’s there?”

“Oh, please.” She huffs. “You always do this.”

“Do what?” The tips of my ears burn with anger, and my stomach somersaults with dread. Why is she yelling at me?

“Blame everyone else for your problems. You’ve blamed Brittany for Brandon’s death, as if she dug that pothole in the road by hand and filled it with water one cup at a time.”

That’s a low blow, and she knows it. I open my mouth to speak, but Hannah glares at me again, so I snap my mouth shut.

“You’re blaming Cam for your choices about church. You’re blaming Andrea for falling in love with Cam.”

“You said you agreed that they were wrong for what they did.”

“They are. Absolutely. But he wasn't right for you anyway, and eventually, you have to forgive them.”

“It’s been less than two weeks!” I shout, throwing my hands in the air. People slow down and cast curious glances our way. I grab Hannah’s elbow and pull her into an alcove that used to house a water fountain. “Why are you so mad at me?”

“I’m not mad, Isabelle.” She sighs. “I’m just…I want my best friend back, okay? I don’t like this person you’re becoming.”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “You don’t like the person I’m becoming? What about you, Hannah? Your behavior is crazy lately. It’s like a broken rollercoaster. One minute you’re fine. The next you’re talking about letting go and doing whatever we want. And then the next you’re turning on me and yelling at me like you’re my mother or something.”

She crosses her arms and shakes her head as if she can’t believe I just spoke to her that way. “You want to know why? Fine. I’m tired of always being put in the middle, okay? You and Andrea aren’t speaking, but in case you forgot, I’m still friends with both of you. And I have both of you talking to me about the other. I have Cam interrogating me about you and what you’re doing and what’s going on with Grayson.” She drops her arms to her sides. “I’m sick of it, Isabelle. I have a life, too, y’know. I have problems and feelings. But no one seems to care about that.”

I stare at her, completely lost for words. The final bell rings, signaling we’re both late for class.

“Look, when you figure things out and decide to take some responsibility for yourself, you know where to find me.” She spins on her heel and walks away.

I blink back tears and rest my head against the wall. How can she turn on me like this? She’s supposed to be my best friend. I bet she didn’t yell at Andrea or Cam like she just yelled at me. I rub my eyes and hurry into the bathroom before a teacher catches me in the hall without a pass. After splashing water on my face and then drying it off with a paper towel, I head to my math class. When I walk in, Cam looks up and frowns. I have the sudden urge to go push him out of his chair.

“Do you have a late pass?” Mr. Mitchell asks.

“No.”

“Go get one.” He shoos me toward the door and closes it as soon as I’m in the hallway.

He’s sending me to the principal’s office? I consider just going home instead but being there is worse than getting in trouble here. I get my late pass and go back to class, which drags on forever. Cam attempts to catch me in the hall, but I ignore him and head straight for the cafeteria.

My usual table is empty, which isn’t uncommon when I’m the first one here. I pull out a chair and sit. If I didn’t spend so much time alone at home, I’d find somewhere else to sit for lunch, but I can’t stomach the thought of spending the most social period of the day alone. Even if I’m not wanted at this table, at least there are people around.

My appetite still hasn’t returned, so I just sit and wait. Vick and Grayson show up, but no one else does. Not Cam. Not Hannah. Their absence is a punch in the gut, and it takes all of my self-control not to break down into tears. I don’t really care that Cam’s not here, but Hannah? She’s chosen her side, and it’s not mine.