ELLIE
I spent the whole week on autopilot, as if nothing made sense anymore. I didn’t feel like going to work or doing anything, but I went anyway.
The anger and despair had faded, leaving only a vast emptiness. I missed him so much. I thought I’d never have to go through this again, but everything felt even worse than the first time.
The worst part was that he didn’t even have the courage to speak to me; he simply left. Did he really care so little? Didn’t I even deserve an explanation or a message?
I had to hold myself back all week from calling him or sending a message. Sometimes I thought about cursing him out and saying the worst things possible, but other times, I just wanted to tell him that I missed him and that I didn’t want to live without him.
I still couldn’t believe it was all over. And the reasons seemed so trivial. I truly loved him, and these issues seemed so small compared to what I felt.
I’d had a lot of time to think since he left, and it made me realize I was willing to compromise if he was, too. I was ready to prioritize the relationship, even if it meant leaving my apartment because Ethan was what mattered most to me.
Then it hit me that he was gone, and none of it made any sense anymore. He left, as if nothing mattered. And so, there was nothing more I could do.
I felt even more foolish for thinking about prioritizing a relationship that he’d abandoned so easily, without a backward glance. Maybe I had been a fool, ignoring all the signs from the start.
I thought Ethan was the perfect bastard for me, but it turns out he was just a complete bastard, after all.
Maybe I forgave him too easily after what he did when we got back from France. But none of that matters now, Ellie.
Dwelling on the past and trying to guess where I went wrong won’t change anything. Nothing will ease the pain and emptiness I’m feeling.
“Do you want to stay over?” Anna asked, pulling me out of my thoughts as I loaded the plates into the dishwasher.
She’d invited me over for dinner with her and Will. I knew she was worried about how I was doing, but she’d been careful not to interfere since I’d told everyone that I didn’t want anyone getting involved this time.
Ethan had made his decision, and I didn’t want any of them trying to talk to him to make him change his mind. Especially not Will and Zoe.
“Ellie?” she called me again, leaning against the counter.
“Thanks, but I’d rather go home.”
“All right. We can give you a ride.”
“That’s not necessary. I’ll take the opportunity to get some fresh air.”
After saying goodbye to Will, Anna walked me to the door.
“Call me if you need anything,” she said, hugging me.
“You too. Take extra care of yourselves now.” I smiled, pulling away.
“Are you going to be okay?” she asked with a concerned look.
“I’m fine, don’t worry. Goodnight! Get some rest, mama.”
As I walked back home, feeling the cool night breeze on my face, the emptiness inside seemed to grow with each step.
*No, Anna, I’m not going to be okay.*
*
When I reached the door to my apartment, Todd was coming out of his.
“Good evening, El!” He smiled. “Sorry… I keep forgetting; I mean Ellie.”
He managed to get a faint smile out of me. I’d told him he couldn’t call me that anymore.
“Good evening. Heading out?” I asked, with no real interest, as I slid my key into the lock.
“Yes. Are you okay?”
I unlocked the door and turned to him, and he raised a thick eyebrow at me.
“Yes,” I replied, not bothering to force a smile.
“I know you well enough to know you’re lying.”
“Goodnight, Todd. Have fun.” I said, wanting to avoid more conversation, and then stepped inside, closing the door behind me.
Without turning on the lights, I went straight to my bedroom, feeling the tightness in my chest increase. I knew what was coming next, just like every other night when I lay down.
After taking off my shoes, I lay down, pulling the sheet over me. I was so tired of crying over him. I always felt pathetic, but I couldn’t control it.
I just wanted the pain to stop. But it was impossible because my mind was filled with Ethan. Only thoughts and memories of Ethan.
*
It was raining on Saturday morning. The week had finally come to an end, and I could stay home alone without having to pretend everything was okay.
I was drinking coffee, staring at the rain pouring outside through the window, when I heard a knock on the door. I forced myself to go to it, and when I opened it, I was surprised.
The delivery guy was holding a huge bouquet of red roses.
“Good morning! Are you Ellie Brown?”
I nodded, still puzzled. Someone sent me flowers? After I signed the receipt, the delivery guy left.
Placing the flowers on the kitchen counter, I started looking for a note. I found a small, handwritten card.
*“I’m grateful for every day I get to see your smile.*
*You have such a pure heart that I wonder every day if I really deserve you. And even if the answer is no, I’ll keep trying to deserve you every day of my life.*
*Thank you for not giving up on me, and thank you for another month together, love.*
*Yours, Ethan.*
*P.S.: I’m also grateful I get to hear your moans. Can’t wait to be grateful tonight."*
The last lines brought a smile to my face through the tears. But it quickly faded, leaving only the pain as I tried to understand.
Today would’ve been celebrating another month together. But why had he sent this? He must have scheduled the delivery and forgotten to cancel it. That was the only explanation.
I read the card again. His words seemed so genuine. Or maybe I just wished they were.
*Thank you for not giving up on me…*
Reading those words hurt so much now. He had no right. He had no right to make me think he’d thrown everything away, and he had no right to make me want to try one last time.