ETHAN
It was already night by the time I landed in London. I took a cab to the apartment I kept in the city. I was mentally exhausted. My phone was full of unread messages and missed calls, which I’d decided to ignore throughout the flight.
I knew they were from my brother and Will, but I had no desire to deal with them.
Right now, I just needed sleep, since I’d been awake for over twenty-four hours. My mind hadn’t stopped for even a second since she left me on Saturday.
It hadn’t been easy to make a decision, but I couldn’t let things go on as they were, no matter how much I loved her.
Like before, I knew that work was the only thing that would keep my head in the right place, and I thought maybe the distance would make things easier too.
It seems I was right in the end. I could never give her what she wanted. I tried, but it just wasn’t enough for her. Even after I suggested she move in with me, she said no. What more could I do?
What did she expect me to say? That it was fine and she could keep living there? If she couldn’t see my side, then there was no solution.
No matter how much I loved her, things weren’t working out. So, it was best to walk away before things got even worse.
If I had kept my distance from the beginning, none of this would be happening. But as much as I wanted to regret it, I couldn’t. Even feeling all this shit now, I couldn’t feel any regret.
When I got to my apartment, I dropped my bags in a corner and went straight to the bedroom, only bothering to take off my suit before lying down.
It was getting harder and harder to ignore the ache in my chest. Closing my eyes, I was overcome by exhaustion.
*
I woke up in the middle of the night. After taking a shower, I finally decided to check my phone. The messages made it clear that Will and Ben were surprised and confused by my trip.
I hadn’t told them in advance, so they only found out through my assistant. I had missed calls from both of them, and Will’s last message, saying “We need to talk,” gave me a good idea of what he wanted to say. The last thing I needed right now was to hear a lecture.
I found Neil’s number and sent him a message, letting him know I was in city. At least one good thing in the middle of all this chaos—I could spend some time with a friend.
Eventually, I looked at her contact and had to fight the urge to open our last conversation. Probably messages from shortly before I returned to New York, saying she missed me and that she loved me.
My finger hovered over the option to delete the entire chat, but I hesitated. I couldn’t do it—not yet. The tightness in my chest grew. I missed her.
*
Neil knocked on my door the next morning. We’d planned to have breakfast together before work. Like everyone else, he was surprised and confused. The first thing he wanted to know was why I was back, just two days after leaving.
Work. That’s what I told him. And although he nodded and stayed quiet, I knew he wasn’t satisfied with the answer.
“How long are you staying this time?” he asked as we sat down at the restaurant.
“I think it’s permanent.”
“What do you mean?” He narrowed his eyes, confused.
I sighed. I just wanted to avoid the topic, but I knew I couldn’t dodge it forever.
“I have work to do here, and… there’s nothing left for me there.”
“Right, and are you going to tell me what the hell’s going on? You and Ellie…”
“It’s over, okay? And I don’t want to talk about it.”
“After everything you two went through… why?”
“There’s an issue we couldn’t resolve.”
“What issue? Must be pretty serious if it made you decide to move for good.”
“She lives next door to her ex, and I told her I couldn’t accept that. She said she wasn’t going to move and that I had to choose, so here I am. End of story.”
“You’ve got to be kidding. For God’s sake, Ethan! You’re going to give up at the first hurdle?”
“I didn’t give up. I even suggested she move in with me, but she said no. What more could I do? You know I can’t accept it.”
“Yeah, I know. Because you’re afraid it’ll happen again. But she’s not Charlotte, and you know that. Relationships can’t survive without trust.”
“I know, but there’s a limit, and this is mine. I’m not doing this out of jealousy; I just can’t subject myself to it. I can’t…”
“And you think you’ll be fine without her?”
“I’ve been through this once.”
“Yeah… and you barely survived. And if what you feel for her is even stronger…”
“Can we leave it at that?”
“No, we can’t. You love her. Stop running. Don’t let fear control you again. I know how that feels.”
“I’m not running.”
“Aren’t you? To me, it looks exactly like that.”
“Didn’t you hear me? She’d rather stay there than move in with me.”
“We both know you only suggested that because you wanted to get her out of there.”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“It doesn’t matter? You’re acting like moving in together isn’t a big step in a relationship. You know you messed up.”
“Can you give me a break?” I asked, running a hand over my face and taking a deep breath. “All I need is to forget about all this, just for a few days, okay?”
He seemed to think it over before nodding.
“All right.”
Damn. Maybe I did mess up, but it seemed like no one could see that I was only trying to make things work.
Meanwhile, all she did was tell me to choose. She didn’t even try to see my side as if I were just a jealous lunatic. She had no idea how much this affected me.