ETHAN
It was Saturday night when Neil knocked on my door. I looked at him, confused. He hadn’t told me he was visiting.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“You’re the one who should be answering that. Just look at yourself.”
“I was working. What brings you here?” I gestured for him to come in.
“I figured as much, and that’s why I’m here. I thought I’d drag you out of this damn apartment before it’s too late, and you end up fused with the furniture and walls,” he said, stepping inside.
“Honestly, I’m not in the mood to go out.”
I wasn’t having a great day. Especially because tonight, I should have been celebrating with her.
Actually, we’d still have the entire day ahead of us if I were in New York, thanks to the time difference.
“Take a shower and get dressed. I’m not letting you work yourself to death over the weekend, too. I know it helps keep your mind busy, but it’s not healthy.”
“What about Rosie? Did she agree to this?”
“She and Phillipa are having a girls’ night or something like that. I tried reaching Jason, but he’s busy, so it’s just the two of us.”
I sighed, giving in.
“Okay.”
*
Half an hour later, Neil and I were sitting at a bar we used to go to back in the day. Our glasses were full, and the place was a bit crowded.
“You were there when you got the news about Will’s baby. I can only imagine how happy he must be,” Neil said.
“You have no idea. He couldn’t be prouder.”
“It makes me think that soon it could be any one of us in his position.” He hesitated, as if remembering my current situation. “I mean… sorry.”
“It’s fine. Anyway, it’s still a recent relationship.”
“And you never thought about building a family with her?”
I closed my eyes, trying not to imagine it.
“I thought you brought me here to help me out,” I said sarcastically, swirling the liquid in my glass.
“Sorry, it’s just… you were so happy. And even though I didn’t get much time to get to know her, she seemed like a good person.”
“She’s so much more than that,” I reflected, my chest filling with longing.
“You know it’s not too late, right?”
“All right, if we’re going to get sentimental…” I took a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking about what you said before… I think you were right. Maybe I’m just running away like a coward.”
“It’s good, I mean, that you’re able to admit that. But why do you think you’re running?”
“I was honest about not being able to accept the situation. I really couldn’t, but I think there’s something more to it. I love her, that’s undeniable, and things had been going so well these past two months… I don’t think I’ve ever been happier.”
“But?”
“I think it reminded me of what happened with Charlie. I mean, Charlotte.” I took a sip of whiskey, wanting to avoid any memory of her.
“I don’t understand. What do you mean?”
“That I was so blind and in love back then, I couldn’t see what was happening right under my nose. Like I was in a bubble… You know?”
“You think the same thing was happening with Ellie?”
I nodded.
“There’s also the fact that I’ve always known she wants more. She’s ready; I know she is. But I don’t know if I’ll ever be. I think that’s always been my biggest fear—that I could never be enough for her.”
“And don’t you think she’s worth the risk?”
“I just… I’m not ready now, no matter how much I love her. You, more than anyone, know I’ve been in a dark place. I don’t want to go back there, Neil. I don’t want to lose myself again.”
He nodded as if he understood exactly what it was like. And he must have, since he’d been there too. I admired him for managing to leave it all behind.
“But don’t you think the opposite might actually be happening? You said you’ve never been happier. Maybe you were just getting back to being yourself, moving on. And maybe now you’re only trying to turn it into something negative out of fear. I saw you with her, and I can tell you it’s been a long time since I saw you like that.”
“Even if we managed to work things out right now, I don’t want to hurt her further down the line because I’m not ready. She deserves more, deserves someone who can give her everything.”
“And you’re going to let it be someone else who gives her that?”
“I just don’t want to hurt her even more. Maybe I should have stayed away from the start. But I thought I could try because I love her.”
“So why not just keep trying?”
“I really would like to. But I don’t want to drag her into this mess I’m feeling. I don’t want her to have any doubts that I love her. Because these issues have nothing to do with her, only with me. Because I’m a damn mess in the head.”
At that moment, I had to take a deep breath to keep myself from breaking down.
“Maybe if you had this conversation with her. If you were honest…”
“She wouldn’t understand. She has her own demons, and the last thing she needs is to feel insecure about how I feel.”
He cleared his throat.
“I don’t want to be a killjoy, but what do you think she’s feeling right now?”
“She forced me to make a choice.”
“Yes, and you didn’t choose her.”
“I know it won’t be easy for her right now, but it could have been a lot worse in the future.”
“So you’re really letting her go?”
“For now, I think I need some time to sort out this mess, but I’m aware that by the time I manage it, it might be too late.”
And as hard as it was to accept the possibility that she might find someone else, I had no options. I knew the risks, and I was also aware that if it did happen, it would devastate me.
“Have you thought about professional help?” he suggested.
“No. I need to handle this on my own. Even if it costs me the most important thing in my life. I can’t give her my best until I do this for myself.”
“I wish I had a solution for all of this. I don’t doubt that you love her, but on the other hand, you’re right. You’ve suffered enough, and you need to find a way to leave the past behind once and for all. You can’t let it haunt you forever.”
“Thanks for understanding.”
We chatted a bit longer before deciding it was time to leave. I got up from the table, and Neil did the same.
“Damn…” he cursed suddenly, catching my attention.
“What is it?”
“Ethan?” A familiar voice sounded behind me, sending a chill down my spine.
I closed my eyes, trying to keep my composure.
*Charlotte.*