ELLIE
A lump formed in my throat as I felt my heart being crushed. His arm was around her, as if his intention was to show everyone that they were together.
But I knew that was directed especially at me. He wanted me to see it so he wouldn’t have to say anything else. And he certainly didn’t need to.
When his eyes met mine, I looked away instantly. I felt my chin start to tremble in anticipation of my tears. That was my warning sign.
"Ellie..." Anna began to speak apprehensively next to me.
I avoided looking into her eyes and couldn’t say a word, because I knew I would fall apart if I tried. I just shook my head before heading toward the exit, feeling my eyes well up.
I walked quickly to my car, trying to hold back my tears. My chest hurt so much that I could barely breathe. When I finally got into my car and shut the door, I broke down.
My body trembled as the tears streamed down my face relentlessly, while I tried to breathe through my parted lips.
I knew this pain, the kind that wasn’t really physical but hurt so much more. I needed to go home. That was the only thing I could think of.
I started the car, my vision still blurry from the tears.
Why? Why would he do something like that? Why couldn’t he just talk to me? What he had just done was so cruel.
And why did I think he wouldn’t be capable of that? So stupid. So naive. This was the biggest proof that he never really cared about me.
How could I have been so dumb? Ignoring all the damn signs, once again. Didn’t you learn anything the first time, you idiot? All that honesty crap. Let it go to hell.
The tears didn’t stop during the short drive back home, while I felt anger mixed with everything else.
Try? What a joke. I deserved all of this for being so stupid, for thinking what we had meant something to him.
It was always just about the damn sex. This was all my fault. For giving him exactly what he wanted. I deserved all this crap. I was so angry at myself.
What did I think? That he liked me? Oh, yeah, he liked me just like Todd did. So foolish. Why would he choose me? Why would anyone choose me, when even the woman who gave birth to me abandoned me?
Maybe life was trying to show me something I’d been pretending to ignore my entire life.
Poor Ellie, always abandoned by everyone. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You don’t have the right.
You’ve been lucky. You have wonderful parents and friends who care about you. You can’t feel this way when you grew up surrounded by so much love. You don’t have that right. Just be grateful and pretend everything’s fine. Be thankful.
But no matter how many times I tried to convince myself of that, there would always be an emptiness inside me. As if something was missing. And maybe all of this came down to trying to fill that emptiness with feelings and people I shouldn’t.
"Look who’s back!"
With my hands still trembling, I stopped trying to open the lock when I heard Todd’s voice behind me.
*No. Not now.*
The tears threatened to return. I squeezed my eyes shut, sniffling.
"El, are you okay?"
"Not now. Please."
Damn it. They started rolling down again.
His hands rested on my shoulders, turning me around, and then cradled my face.
"Hey, what happened?"
I blinked, trying to clear my vision. But I couldn’t stop crying. When I couldn’t respond and started sobbing, he just hugged me, pulling me against his chest.
There was something familiar about his scent, his warmth, and his voice telling me everything was going to be okay, that managed to comfort me a little. But not enough to stop the tears.
Todd helped me inside my apartment and then to my bed. He took off my shoes and covered me, before sitting on the edge of the bed, holding my hand.
"If you want to talk, I’m here."
His words only brought on more tears.
"It’s going to be okay, El. Try to sleep. You’ll feel better when you wake up. I promise."
I didn’t want to hear him talking to me like that. All this compassion wasn’t what I wanted from him right now. I wanted to feel anger. I wanted to hate him, just like I hated all men.
But when he stood up, about to let go of my hand, I couldn’t let him go. I didn’t want to be alone. I was afraid of feeling alone.
"Please... stay," I managed to say the words between sobs.
Todd nodded before climbing into bed, pulling me close to his body. Resting my head on his chest, I felt my body slowly begin to relax.