ELLIE
When I got home on Saturday, I just collapsed onto my bed, throwing my suitcase into some random corner. All I wanted was to sleep because I couldn’t bear being stuck in my own mind anymore. My thoughts were consuming me.
I couldn’t sleep for more than ten minutes on a flight that lasted over seven hours. The tightness in my chest hadn’t gone away, and it seemed to only be getting worse.
I had plenty of time to reflect. Enough time to come to the conclusion that Ethan was just following our agreement, and he wasn’t to blame for any expectations I had about him.
We had an arrangement, one that was my idea. I had no right to feel hurt just because he simply walked away.
Maybe I had just hoped that after everything, he’d at least be able to say something to me. Seeing him leave the airport without saying goodbye or even looking at me had added another weight on my chest, one that felt like a ton.
All of this was my fault. It was my choice. I knew he could never give me what I wanted, and yet I kept going with it.
And even now, with everything ending exactly how I had imagined, I didn’t regret it. That made me angry at myself. I was such an idiot for letting myself feel things for him.
I’d have to deal with it. There weren’t many options. I could do the smart thing and try to ignore the pain and all my feelings for him, or I could risk getting hurt even more by confessing my feelings in a last-ditch effort. Damn it. I was so confused.
It wasn’t smart to keep insisting when all the signs were telling me to do the opposite. The idea that he could just reject me was terrifying and enough to make my stomach churn, but it was a possibility, one I had to be prepared for if I decided to go through with this madness.
What were my chances? Considering how much he despised the idea of giving me any hope, not many. So why, even knowing that, did I still want to try?
I knew why. I was just like that. I learned early on that even if there was only the smallest chance, I couldn’t give up. After all, my whole life was the result of a miracle.
What were the odds of an abandoned child having parents as wonderful as mine? I might never have been adopted.
If there was one thing I had learned in life, it was to never give up. My pride could go to hell because if there was any chance, I was going to take it.
And if he rejected me and not even time could help me overcome the pain, at least I’d rest easy knowing I had done everything I could.
At the end of the day, when I finally unpacked my bags, I found his laptop among my things. I had simply forgotten to return it. Could this be a sign? My foolish heart wanted to believe so.
Honestly, I think I was just using anything I could to encourage myself to go through with this madness. Like Neil’s words, which kept echoing in my head: “Don’t give up on him yet.” I wouldn’t give up.
I thought about sending a message to let him know about the laptop. Had he already noticed it was missing? Would he send me a message when he realized? I decided to wait until the next day.
*
My Sunday was all about waiting for a message from Ethan and thinking about what I would say when I saw him. But when the day ended and still no message had come, I started to wonder if he hadn’t noticed, or if he had just decided to buy a new one because he didn’t even want to talk to me. Either way, I’d have to return the laptop, so I decided to just send a message.
I realized that the message could help me figure out how he had decided to deal with me. He could come in person if he wanted to see me. That way, I’d also have the chance to talk to him.
I sent a simple message, saying:
*“Sorry, I think I forgot to return your laptop. Let me know when you want to pick it up.”*
Waiting for a response was torture. And when it came at the end of the day, it brought with it a new wave of anguish and pain. It said:
*“I’ll send someone to pick it up in the morning. Does that work for you?”*
I stared at the letters on the screen of my phone, a lump forming in my throat as well as in my stomach. I just replied with an “okay.”
There was no way this could be a good sign. Lying in my bed that night, before falling asleep, I couldn’t help the tears that came again.
*
On Monday, the universe decided to force me to confront my dilemma, one way or another. Anna told me she was throwing a farewell dinner for her brother and Phillipa.
I didn’t want to ask, but I was sure Ethan would be there. In the morning, he really did send someone to pick up his laptop. Thinking about that only filled me with more uncertainty about what I intended to do, but I had already made my decision.
Anxiety gripped me throughout the day, and no matter how hard I tried to think about what to say to him, I couldn’t find the right words.
When I arrived at Anna’s apartment, way earlier than the scheduled time, she could read me before I even stepped inside.
I told her everything, how I was feeling, and what I intended to do. “Do what you have to do, I’ll be with you no matter what he says.” That’s what she told me, and it made me feel calmer, restoring a bit of my courage.
As the hours passed, all our friends arrived. My nerves came back in full force as I waited for Ethan to show up. My heart pounded wildly in my chest.
He was the last to arrive. I was in the bedroom with Anna when I heard his voice in the living room. My hands were sweating, and a cold wave washed over my stomach as we walked toward the living room.
But when I finally saw him, it felt like I’d been punched in the gut. He wasn’t alone. There was a blonde woman by his side. And I knew exactly who she was. The blonde from that night at the bar.