CHAPTER SIXTY

SHONDRA:

Six years ago…

"Just relax," he rubbed my forearm, trying to warm it up.

Easy for him to say "relax" when his teeth weren't chattering from nervousness. He didn't have a thin hospital gown on his legs in stirrups, getting ready to do away with a part of himself...

Part of me, part of Axel.

Art, or the IV-Man as I called him, wasn't a bad vision to fall asleep to. He had dark hair, china-blue eyes, and a defined physique under his green scrubs.

But men were off my radar, including handsome IV nurses.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm fine."

Fine enough to keep going.

I tried not to think of Randy and her huge bump. Our meeting had lasted the rest of the morning, and way into the early afternoon. We had gone mostly off topic with her hilarious tales of motherhood. The antics her little boy got up to were precious.

Didn't sway my decision.

No, not at all...

Well... maybe a little. While I waited in the lobby, a woman had come in with her baby on her shoulder. By his blue Nessie, I gathered he was a boy. He had dark skin, enormous eyes, and a head full of hair that curled at the edges. Thrown up formula dribbled down his chin as he squalled his head off, yet he was a cute little thing.

The mother smiled and cooed at her screaming child, comforting him with pats on the back. Our eyes met over her son's shoulder and her look of knowing—pity mixed with a sorrow—directed my gaze to the floor.

Her glance shook my decision and made my resolve waiver.

But only for a minute, just like Randy's glorious tales of motherhood had.

If I didn't cut all ties to Axel, I could never move on. With his baby inside of me, forgetting him would be a task beyond my reach. Day in and day out, all I could think about was him. Axel was my first thought upon waking and the last before I closed my eyes... until he appeared in my dreams.

I had to wonder: Would it take a lifetime to forget him?

"Shondra, you doing, okay?" Art asked, rubbing my hand in comforting circles.

I nodded, thoughts whirling through my head of blue amnesiacs, babies with tons of blonde hair, and sweet drool-y grins...

Maybe...

Could Axel and I... try to find a way through everything? I gave him up for the love his father had for him, but what about my love? Didn't it count?

"Okay, Shondra, I found a vein. You'll feel a little prick, all right? Do you want me to count it down or just do it?"

I gazed up to the cracked ceiling tile. Focusing on the biggest jagged line, I gritted my teeth. "Just do it, please."

"That's my brave girl."

It wasn't a little prick, but a big one, and the pain had me crying out behind my clenched jaw. If Art didn't have my arm strapped down, I would have ripped it from his grasp.

He patted my shoulder and released the rubber tourniquet with his other hand.

"You did well, Shondra." His dark brows furrowed as he noticed the pain on my face. "I can give you something to relax if you'd like?"

Hell yeah, I'd like. I'd like that very much.

"Yes, please."

Art took a needle filled with solution from his kit and injected it into the IV knob. Within seconds, I felt like a cloud in the sky and just as high. I drifted...floated on the breeze, headed towards the sun, all my burdens buried deep within the muck of the earth.

I must have nodded off as Art shook me awake with a few nudges to my shoulder. "They're on their way to get you."

The startled look I gave him prompted him to provide reassurances. "I promise within an hour you'll be back to normal."

Normal? Was there ever such a word for one like me? Forcibly kissed at eight. Saw a man killed at fourteen. Pregnant at twenty. My story wasn't different from many people's, however tragic. I knew I wasn't unique. Far more people had suffered worse than me and they'd gotten up to fight another day and here I was...

Here I was doing... what?

A bubbly brunette appeared at the door. "Okay, Ms. Williams, we're ready for you."

Art checked the fluid in the IV one more time, flicking the bag to get the solution to flow faster. A rush of cold slithered down my vein. I whimpered at sensation.

"Did that hurt?" The brunette asked, a kindly smile on her face.

Would it... the baby feel pain? Would Axel ever forgive me if he found out? Could I live with the knowledge of what I was about to do?

"I-I'm... fine."

She nodded, and the bed moved.

Was I fine? What if I put a stop to the abortion?

Before we rounded the last corner, Uncle Nassau appeared at my side, hitching a ride. His bald head gleamed while his silver teeth flashed. He leaned in close, kissing distance. His breath smelled of Veer, cigarettes... and blood.

"Do it, girl. These people invested a lot of time on yo' ass. You can't be selfish and keep 'em waiting. Damn baby won't love you, anyway.

My baby.

Axel's baby.

Clear as day, I saw Axel in the hotel room, tangled in the sheet, leaning against the headboard with a brilliant smile on his tanned face. "Whatever happens, happens, angel."

Uncle Nassau blocked him out by pressing his forehead against mine. My eyes crossed, trying to focus.

"You want to spend rest of yo' life looking after a kid? No help 'Sept from Vee? Burl has her own mess to deal with."

Vee...

Another child neglected and unwanted.

Not my child. Things would be so different...

The anesthesiologist, a soccer-mom type with streaks of gray in her hair, held a scuba mask over my face. Air hissed and sputtered around it. "Ms. Williams, we're ready to begin, okay? Breathe deep and this will be over soon."

Begin...

Over?

What am I doing?

Randy was right. I wondered too, although I never admitted it. But as I lay on the table...in viewing distance of the knives that would remove part of me, I let the thoughts take shape...take hold.

What would he sound like? Who would he look like? When would he know I loved him? Did he feel it even now?

I loved him. I did.

And I had changed my mind. 

***

The last few months had been hell, but I never regretted my decision, even when I swallowed bile to keep Vee and my mother from discovering my secret. The growing baby inside of me gave me a purpose not even my business nor taking care of Vee had done. The baby, not the father, was my focus. 

I wasn't showing... yet. My bulk did a good job of hiding my pregnancy. As long as I kept my morning (and evening) sickness to myself, no one ever suspected a thing.

The bathroom door handle rattled. "Sho, are you going to be long? I need to get to school and the bus will be here in a minute."

I flushed the toilet and took a piece of paper towel from the roller above the sink to wipe the spittle from my chin. "I'll take you to school, Vee," I said, unlocking the door.

We brushed our teeth together, Vee nearly dribbling toothpaste on her sweater as she related all she had to do that day during her college classes.

Vee rinsed her toothbrush in the cold water, then cupped her hands under the stream to drink. I made as if to spit in her hair and she squealed, skittering away, water dripping from her mouth.

I laughed, spraying toothpaste at the mirror. It was times like these that I forgot Axel was engaged.

I avoided calling him in the beginning because of the Tabitha Moore Scandal William had told me about. I didn't want to read in black and white that Axel had confronted and skewered the mother of his child in front of their peers. If he had done that to a petite, privileged girl, what would he do to me?

The week I got my first clear sonogram at five months, when I saw our son for the first time, I took the plunge and looked up the Facebook page of Tabitha Moore.

The parent's description wasn't of Axel, at least not the Axel I knew but of a "Wealthy stud with ash blond hair, a face suited for a magazine cover, and the lean body of a rocker."

Axel didn't have a rocker body type. I'd met him when he was sixteen, and he'd sported a "football buff" physique even back then.

Why had William lied to me?