I unzip my pants with urgency, and I take my cock into my hand. I get a vision of Eliza on her knees in front of me and I begin to pull myself.
Fuck, yeah.
Take it all… take it fucking all.
The grip on my cock is nearly painful. I need it harder, I need her tighter.
I close my eyes and tip my head back. My bicep begins to cramp from the vice-like grip I have on myself.
The shower turns off.
No.
I need it.
I zip my pants up. The bathroom door opens, and I brush past her before she has time to notice the tent in my trousers.
God damn it, woman… I want to fuck your mouth.
I lock the door, turn the water on, and tear my clothes off, desperate for Eliza.
Desperate to ejaculate.
I soap up my hand, get under the water, and I begin to really fuck myself. I need this. I need it hard.
I want it to hurt.
My legs go weak from underneath me, and I put my hand up on the tiles to hold myself steady. I close my eyes and taste Eliza's skin in my mouth. I can almost feel her breath on my chest, and I come hard. My head tips back and I give a low, guttural moan. My heart is racing, gasping for air, and my body shudders as it comes down from the high. I keep stroking to completely empty my body.
Thinking of her when I come is an out of this world experience. I can't imagine what the real thing would feel like. Maybe I wouldn't even survive it.
I stand under the shower, the water running down over my face, and the more I come down from the high, the more guilt fills me.
Eliza trusts me, and I'm jerking off over her like she's a piece of meat in a porno.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I stand under the water for a long time and slowly wash my hair. I'm dreading facing her.
Eventually, when I can't put it off any longer, I turn off the shower and dry myself. Normally, I would walk out there in a towel and dress in front of her but I can't now. It feels weird.
Every boundary between us has changed, and I have no sphere or reference as to what's right and wrong anymore.
What just happened was wrong… but fuck, it felt so right.
I wrap the towel around my waist and inhale deeply as I stare at my reflection in the mirror.
Cut it out, I warn myself. She's going to leave if you keep losing your head.
I close my eyes and shake out my arms as if I'm preparing to go into a fight, because that's how it feels, like I'm constantly fighting myself over her-an internal battle between what I should want and what I do want.
What I know and what I want to learn.
Everything about this situation is screaming at me to drop it, and every day I decide to.
Yet, every day I fail the task.
I walk out into the darkened bedroom. Eliza is lying on her side with her back to me. I grab my boxer shorts from the drawer and slip them on, and then I get a glass of water, get into bed beside her, and I lie on my back.
I can't touch her because I can't trust myself not to start it up all over again.
We lie in silence for a long time until, eventually, she asks, "Is everything all right?"
I close my eyes, fuck. "Yeah, baby," I whisper.
"Cuddle me."
I roll toward her and take her into my arms. I press my lips into the crook of her neck.
"Do you love me, Nathe?" she whispers. She asks me this all the time. It's an affectionate joke between us.
I screw up my face and pause as my chest constricts. "You know I do." I kiss the back of her head. "Go to sleep."
"Goodnight, Nathe."
I remember how perfect that ten minutes were when she was in my arms, and I smile sadly into the darkness. "Goodnight, Eliza."
* * *
I stare at the big screen over the bar. It's 10:00 p. m., and after the longest day in history, I just want to go home and sleep.
But home is complicated. Actually, home isn't even my home. It's her home.
I pinch the bridge of my nose and scrunch my eyes shut.
Fucking hell, what a mess.
I sip my scotch and stare up at the television screen.
Here's what I need to do. I need to go back to my house and sleep in my bed. I also need to have sex with someone before I ruin everything.
I sip my drink and stare into space, infuriated at the situation I find myself in.
This isn't how it's supposed to go. Nothing about this is fucking normal.
Am I having a midlife crisis or something?
I think about what the possible outcomes are if I tell Eliza what's going on in my head… and my pants. She could be mortified if I made a move and she wasn't into it. We would become awkward and drift apart. She might just not like me that way, it's probable actually. I mean, in the ten years that we've spent every spare moment together, she has never once hinted at anything like that between us. Neither have I, but things change, apparently. She could be totally disgusted that I've been sleeping with her and seeing her undressed while feeling an attraction to her. What if she feels violated? Am I violating her? I don't even know anymore.
This really is a fucked-up situation.
I sip my scotch as the worst-case scenario plays out. What if she does, in fact, feel the same and we sleep together and it feels wrong? What if I don't like it but she does? I would then have to tell her that it was a mistake.
It would hurt her.
My heart drops, I just couldn't hurt her like that. I can't even contemplate that happening, it would kill me.
This is uncharted territory. I have no idea how my body would work with hers. But then… considering the way she makes me feel, I don't think…
Fuck, I just don't know.
I've never been so confused in my entire life.
I puff air into my cheeks as I stare at the screen. I've been here for five hours, going around and round in my head, searching for the right answer, knowing that I should go back to my place, but instead sitting in a bar waiting for Eliza to go sleep before I go home to her.
Home.
My chest tightens. Eliza is my home. I'm confused about everything I thought I ever wanted and if I get this wrong, I lose it all.
I allow myself to imagine what the other side of the coin would look like if, by some miracle, it did work out. I would get to be in love with my best friend. I smile, imagining the life we could have together. We could travel the world, marriage… children.
My own family; something I've never even contemplated before.
We could literally have it all.
I tip my head back and drain my glass.
But this could also be a disaster waiting to happen.
Just drop it.