I shake my head. "No, I was into sports and…" I shrug, unable to elaborate.
He waits for me to go on, and when I don't, he prompts me. "Tell me about Robert."
I exhale heavily, wishing I was anywhere but here. "Robert was…" I smile sadly. "Robert was different to anyone I had ever met. He was funny, kind, and he listened to everything I said." I inhale deeply. "At the end of our first week of rooming together, we were tight-good friends. We hung out, laughed all day, and we would talk all night." I hesitate, I hate how this sounds.
"Was there anyone else in the room with the two of you?"
"No."
"Go on."
"There was an undercurrent of a different friendship to what I'd ever had before, although I had no idea what it was. He asked me one night if I wanted to play truth or dare." I smile, remembering it as if it were yesterday. "On the fifth truth question, he asked me if I'd ever kissed anyone, and when I said I hadn't, he admitted that he hadn't, either." I swallow the lump in my throat as my eyes rise to meet Elliot's.
He gives me a reassuring smile.
"He said that…" I frown. Fuck, I hate this.
"Go on."
"He suggested that we kissed just once… to practice for when we were with a girl."
"So… you kissed?"
"Not that night but two nights later. One kiss led to a hundred, and before I knew it, we were making out on the bed."
"How was it for you?"
"Good at the time. Mortifying the next day. I told him I hated him and that it was all a mistake. We agreed to pretend it never happened, but three nights later, it happened again. Only…"
"Only what?"
"It got more heated."
"How so?"
"He went down on me."
"Did you ejaculate?"
I nod. "Yes."
"How were you after that?"
"Confused." I frown. "I never saw myself getting a blowjob from a guy. It just…" I shake my head as the emotions from back then flood through me. "It was never on my radar."
"But…?"
"But I liked it."
"Why?"
"Because it felt forbidden. Like I was being naughty and had this dark, little secret that nobody would ever know of."
"So, it happened again?"
"Every day for a week."
"What happened after that?"
"Feelings started to develop between us. He…" I screw up my face as I remember that time. "He got me, and I got him. We never had labels between us. It wasn't like that because it felt natural, you know?"
Elliot steeples his hands in front of him. "What happened from there?"
"He asked me if I would be his first, and that our time together was over soon and we would never see each other again, but we would always have this. Our secret. I fucked him."
"So, you top?"
"Always." I clench my jaw, angered that I had to say that out loud to a complete stranger…. fuck this, I'm never coming back here again. This is mortifying.
"And that was it?"
"No, we fell in love. It was very special between us."
He smiles softly.
"We began a long-distance relationship where we would spend weekends and every holiday together."
He sits back and crosses his legs with his notepad and pen in his hand. "Tell me about that period of your life."
"It was fucked." I scratch the back of my hair, surprised by the sudden surge of anger that I feel.
"Why is that?"
"I was in a relationship so I didn't screw around. I didn't go out much because I hated how women would hit on me all night and I couldn't give them an explanation as to why I wasn't into them."
"Were you attracted to the girls who hit on you?"
"No."
"Were you attracted to other men during this time?"
I shake my head. "I only wanted Robert. Nobody else ever caught my eye."
The room falls silent.
"The deal was that when Robert finished college, he was going to transfer to wherever I was working at the time. His job was transferable, mine was not." I rub the stubble on my chin as I think back to that time.
"Did that happen?"
"No, he didn't want to come to San Fran."
"And you did?"
"Yes."
"How did that make you feel?"
"Angry."
"Why is that?"
"Because I gave up the best part of my life to be loyal to him. I thought we had a future, but in the end, it was all for nothing. I was done."
"You ended it?"
"Yes."
"Nathan." Elliot's eyes hold mine. "Are you still in love with Robert?"
"No." I shrug. "I was for a long time but not anymore. We're friends. He's openly gay and in a happy relationship."
"Tell me about your relationships since then."
I squirm in my seat, uncomfortable with where this is going. "I haven't had one."
Elliot's eyes narrow. "Not one?"
"I've had sex, obviously, but I haven't met anybody I would want long term."
"So, you have one night stands?"
"What does this have to do with the reason I'm here?" I snap in exasperation. "I don't see why this is relevant. Next question."
"No." Elliot's eyes hold mine. "I'll repeat: do you have one night stands?"
I glare at him. "I have regular casual partners."
"How long do you see the same person?"
I shrug. "A few months."
"Until?"
"Until they fall in love with me."
"Does love scare you?"
"Nope," I push out. "I'm just not interested, that's all."
"I see." He writes some points on his paper.
I exhale heavily as I wait for his next step over the line. He leans back in his chair and crosses his legs.
"Tell me about your best friend." He glances down to his notes to remind himself of her name. "Eliza."
"What do you want to know?"
"When did you meet?"
"We started work at the same hospital on the same day. We met in the cafeteria. Something clicked, and we became friends."
He scribbles some notes and looks up at me. "This is around the time you broke up with Robert, yes?"
I nod. "That's right. Like two months later or something."
"Tell me about her."
I raise my eyebrows. Where do I start? "She is goofy, clumsy, and she can't cross the street without nearly getting herself run over. She loses her phone and keys all the time." I think for a moment. "She has the most beautiful dimples when she smiles; her whole face lights up." I pause for a moment as I picture her. "She's a great cook. The best, actually." I smile wistfully. "I have leftovers for lunch every day." I twist my fingers in my lap as I try to think of something else to say. "She writes in a diary every night and sometimes, when she's in the shower, I read it."