Nathan
"Nathan." The voice is gravelly and hoarse.
I frown, my eyes still closed.
"Nathan. Jesus Christ, get your dick out of my back."
My eyes snap open. "What?"
I'm cuddling Eliza from behind. My hand is resting between her bare breasts, and my erect cock is nudged firmly against her lower back.
"Shit." I scramble to my side of the bed. "Fuck, sorry. It's morning…" I splutter as I run my hands through my hair.
"Hmm." She grumbles before she drifts back off to sleep.
I close my eyes in horror.
I get up, go to the bathroom, and then ease myself back onto my side of the bed, lying dangerously close to the edge. I stare at her as if she's a ferocious animal, because at this moment, to me, she is.
This is the unknown to me. This has never happened before.
Why is it happening now?
"Hmm." She pushes her behind toward me.
I stay silent.
She does it again. "Nathe, cuddle me," she mumbles sleepily.
Fuck.
I pull her close and hold her tight as a sense of dread fills my soul.
And it's not about my dick this morning; that shit happens. It's about last night.
Seeing Eliza naked…
Jerking off to the sight of her…
I close my eyes in disgust at myself, and the sick taste of shame fills my mouth.
Our friendship is special. What we have together is perfect. My dick doesn't come into this equation, and it never will. I won't let it.
I can't lie here beside her any longer. I sit up on the side of the bed and run my hands through my hair. Perspiration dusts my skin.
I frown as I try to understand what I'm feeling, but I can't because I don't understand it. Ten years of nothing.
Why now?
There's a reasonable answer to all of this, there has to be, and surely this is just a misunderstanding. If I could just decipher what's going on in my head.
Who can sort this out for me?
I think for a moment.
Yes, of course, that's it! I've got it.
Three hours later, I'm sitting in the waiting room of one of the best psychologists in San Francisco. My elbows rest on my parted knees as I wait. I'm battling an erratic heartbeat, and nerves are coursing through my veins. I've never been to a psychologist before-never needed one.
My eyes roam over the people in the waiting room as I wonder why they are here.
Bet I'm more fucked up than the lot of them.
The office door opens and a man appears. "Nathan Mercer?"
I stand. "Yes."
"This way, please." I follow him into his office, and he closes the door behind us. He holds his hand out to shake mine. "Elliot Hamilton."
He's mid to late forties, distinguished looking, and not what I was expecting at all.
Who it was that I was expecting, though, I'm not sure.
"Hello." I nod. "Thank you for seeing me on such short notice."
He smiles and gestures to a leather chair. "Please, take a seat. When I got your call this morning, I shuffled around a few things to make it work."
"I appreciate it."
His eyes hold mine, and he sits back in his chair. His eyes are assessing, and he shuffles some papers in front of him.
"Tell me, what brought you here today, Nathan? May I call you Nathan?"
"Yes, of course." I inhale deeply as I steel myself to say it out loud.
He gives me a calm smile as he fills the glass in front of me with water. "Take your time."
"I've…" I pause as I try to push the words past my lips. "I've recently had an unwanted attraction to someone I…" I frown as I cut off my sentence.
"Someone you… what?"
"My best friend."
"Ah." He nods and sits back, as if understanding. "And this is distressing you?"
"Yes." I nod. "Very much."
"And you've never had any attraction to someone of the same sex before?"
"Oh." I frown, realising what he thinks. "That's not it." I puff air into my cheeks. "My best friend is a woman."
He frowns.
"I'm… usually with men." I clench my jaw.
"So, you identify as a gay male?"
"No."
His brow furrows. "How do you see yourself, Nathan?"
"Normal." I shrug. "I don't feel I need to label my sexuality."
He nods. "I see." He pauses for a moment. "You haven't come out?"
"Yes and no. I had a long-term relationship when I was younger, and when we broke up everyone knew that we'd been together. I don't hide being with men, but I don't advertise it, either." My eyes rise to meet his. "I'm a private person. My sex life is mine alone. I don't feel the need to justify my choices. I am who I am. People can take it or leave it."
"I see." He smiles as if contemplating my answer. "And you've never been attracted to a woman before?"
"No."
"It bothers you?"
"Very much."
"Why is that?"
I drop my head. "My best friend and I are very close. I can't fuck this up."
He frowns. "And you think that if you told… I'm sorry, what is her name?"
"Eliza."
"If Eliza found out, you think you would lose her?"
"One hundred percent." I nod. "I know I would."
"How long has this been going on?"
"Just the last few days… but last night…" I frown, too ashamed to keep going.
"Go on, you are in a safe place. This is completely confidential."
"Last night, she got drunk, and when we got home-"
"You live together?"
"Practically. I sleep with her every night."
"In the same bed?" He frowns.
I nod.
He scribbles something down on his notepad. "We'll come back to that. Tell me what happened last night."
I pinch the bridge of my nose as I picture her. "She took off her dress and was wearing nothing but a G-string. And after she went to sleep, I touched myself looking at her."
He rubs his pointer finger over his bottom lip. "Then, what happened?"
"I was disgusted with myself but I couldn't stop. I was too aroused, too far gone, so I went into the bathroom and jerked off imagining I was with her." My stomach rolls. "It was utterly…disgusting."
"Why is that?"
"I betrayed her." I hang my head in shame.
"How long has it been since you have been with a woman?"
"Never."
He raises a brow. "I see."
I clench my hands into fists. His silence is deafening. Fuck this, it isn't helping. "I might just go."
"We're not finished." He fires back without hesitation. "Tell me about your first sexual experience."
I'm not telling him that shit, it's private. "What does that have to do with Eliza?" I snap.
"Everything is connected. Do you want me to help you work this out?"
Our eyes are locked, and I tilt my chin in annoyance knowing this was a mistake. "Yes."
"Then, please." He rolls his hand out. "Continue. Lie back in the chair and relax. We can figure this out but only if we work together."
I hesitate as I go over my options, there aren't any, just tell him. "I was fifteen… at summer camp."
He listens intently.
"I was roomed with a boy. Robert."
"Had you had any attraction to anyone before this?"
"A male?"
"Either sex, boy or girl."