Chapter 216: We Deserve Your Anger
Chapter 216: We Deserve Your Anger
Angelia
The beautiful furniture all in white, felt more like decorative items that should be looked at rather than used. The room tried to give off the impression of warmth and comfort, but it ended up being too planned out to be anything but cold and unforgiving. Kingston had another living room on this floor that was much simpler and homier than this and I preferred this over this any day of the week.
“You know….” Marshall started, sounding just hesitant enough to know he was about to say something important.
“If you ever need to talk, we are here for you. I know that we betrayed your trust in us and while you said you were ready to forgive us, we still have a lot to make up for. Forgiveness isn't the same as earning your trust and we will work damn hard for you to feel like you are able to trust us again.”
He wanted to have this conversation here? In the middle of the hallway?
“I..” I blinked, feeling my heart grow and my chest glowed with warmth even as I searched for how to best explain my own thoughts about the matter to him.
While I thought of what to say, I made my way to the grand room, confident he wasn't far behind.
“It is not all so black and white.” I said.
Originally, I had planned on taking a seat because I could already feel my legs shaking with exertion but my eyes caught onto his figure behind me in the mirror to my left. I turned towards it, drawn by the image of this man towering over me from behind.
He paused behind me, his immediately locked onto my own through the mirror.
“Tell me what isn't?” He asked.
“I have had a lot of time to think these past weeks.” I said, not once taking my eyes off him.
“And you are right, you betrayed my trust and you did break it but, it wasn't completely broken. Or I mean, it was for a couple of days when all I did was second-guess every interaction I had with you and wondering if they ever meant anything to you…”
“They did,” he swore as he took a step closer to me, his chest brushing against the back of my head, making me crane my head to maintain eye contact.
“I promise you, they did.” I nodded with a soft smile.
“That is what I started to believe when I got through the worst of the hurt. Your reaction to me finding out about it just proved it. You weren't smug about getting one over on me, like I had feared you were…” I bit back a sigh as he finally touched me, his hands clutching my hips before sliding his arms around my stomach, hugging me from behind.
“We were what?” He whispered, pressing me into him.
There was nothing sexual about the way he was holding me, there was no sexual intent behind it. There was only comfort and something else that neither of us was ready to look too closely on. The scent of rosewood and a hint of cinnamon teased my nose, making me want to turn around just so I could breathe him in more deeply. His heartbeat rose at the back of my head, suggesting I wasn't the only one reacting to the neatness between us.
“You seemed afraid of losing our arrangement.” I replied, thinking back to the meeting I had with each of them and how genuine the guys seemed as they tried to get me back.
“You are wrong,” he said, making me stop breathing for a second.
“We were never afraid of losing our arrangement, we were scared of losing you.” He corrected me, I let out a sigh of relief.
“I was so angry when I talked with you guys, so angry and hurt. The only reason I was even meeting up with you in the first place was because it was the mature thing to do.”
And Andy might have played a role in my decision to talk to them.
“What I actually wanted was to stay in bed for a week and binge a stupid television series and ignore everything while I was at it.”
He hugged me closer to him, if that was even possible. His practically invisible stubbles scratched my cheek lightly as he leaned down.
“We deserve your anger. In fact, we still do.” I pulled away slightly, only enough so I could turn my head around and look at him.
“Why would you say that?”
“Because we have earned it, if we had been straight with you from the beginning none of this would have happened. We would have been there when you first received those threats and we would have helped you from the get-go.”
Maybe he was right that I wouldn't have gone through the harsh weeks alone if we had stayed together but there was nothing to gain from the what ifs, something Andy taught me not too long ago. Shaking my head, I said something my mother often told me.
“Anger isn't meant to be held onto, it is a protective measure. If you stripped away the anger, all you would be left with is the pain and if you hold onto it, you won't get to the root of the problem and fix it.”
Although, it was up to each person to decide if they were ready to face their pain and mend it.
“And have you?” He asked, staring into my eyes, searching.
“Have I what?”
“Fixed your pain?” I gave him a wry smile.
“I have forgiven you, haven't I?” It was his turn to shake his head.
“Forgiveness isn't the same as not hurting, tell me, baby girl. Are you still in pain?”
One of my hands started shaking slightly as I looked away from him, enough of a hint to know I wasn't comfortable with this line of questioning. I had never liked delving too deeply into my psyche, afraid of what I would find there and now more than ever, my psyche was the last place I should be spending time in.
“That is…that is a hard question to answer. Isn't everyone in pain to some degree?”
“That is a cop-out and you know it.”
“I think…” I began, meeting his gaze once again in the mirror.
Somehow, it was easier to look him in the eyes like this as if the mirror created a barrier where he couldn't look too deeply.
“I think I was in more pain being away from you guys than I am now that I am with you. Is that good enough for an answer?”
“Yes, for now.”
That was good enough for me. Some part of me wanted to think they had no business asking me these questions but the bigger part of me wanted them to know, I wanted them to have a right to know about my feelings and weary head was at. I wanted them right up in my business and never left.
“You look tired,” he commented, making me aware of the struggle I had of keeping my eyes open.
“Did you get some sleep while we packed?”
“Yes, some.” I replied.
But it didn't feel like enough, I was worried that it would never feel like enough again. Did those sleepless nights and worrisome days wreck me so completely that I would never feel fully rested again? It almost seemed like it. He let go of me and took a step back, I turned to him and saw him fish up his phone from the front pocket of his jeans. Checking the time on his screen, he spoke.
“There are still a few hours left until dinner. If you want to take a nap?”
“Only if you will stay with me?”
I didn't know why I asked him that, maybe it was because his questions about my pain made me feel vulnerable and I needed the company to build myself back up or maybe I had spent too much time alone as it was and I didn't want to be lonely anymore. Whatever the reason, the question tumbled out of my mouth without any regard for my pride.
“Absolutely,” he replied.
“I will stay with you for as long as you need.”
What if I needed forever? Yes, that was a question I choked down as soon as it popped into my head. Forever was too frighteningly optimistic and lately I had been anything that.