Chapter 84 Shit… what if she says no again?
Saraphina
Mom and Clement showed up with lunch around noon. Ryan wasn’t at the hospital. Clement said he’d gone out somewhere.
I thought about texting him to ask where he was. But I knew if I did, he’d come straight here. And I still had no idea what I would say to him. So I didn’t text, even though I really, really wanted to.
My room was full of people. Clement and Cole were talking about boats. Elle was painting my mom’s nails. It should have felt warm, but it didn’t. It felt like there was a hole in the room. Or like someone was missing.
Oh, for fuck’s sake.
I guess what I mean is… I miss you, Ryan. This place feels wrong without you in it.
Hours went by and Ryan still wasn’t here. He really meant it when he said he’d give me space to think.
After lunch, Elle and Cole went back to work. Mom and Clement hung around. I didn’t want to talk to them about the proposal. I needed to be alone with my thoughts, so I told them I was going for a walk to stretch my legs.
I ended up in the hospital garden. I found a bench near a tree. It was cold, but I sat there anyway, losing track of time as the sun went down, trying to find an answer in my head.
“Hey,” a voice said.
My heart jumped. I thought it was Ryan.
“Oh, hey,” I said, managing a small smile when I saw it was Cole. “You’re finished for the day?”
“Yeah, all done,” he said. He looked at me for a second. “You seem let down.”
“I do not,” I said, maybe a little too fast. “I’m always glad to see you. You know that.”
Cole laughed quietly and sat beside me. “Your mom and Clement went to get dinner. They said I might find you out here.” He looked around the garden. “It’s pretty. But it is freezing, don’t you think?”
“Yeah.”
He started talking about the weather, but I stopped listening. I had been sitting here forever and my brain was still going in circles. I had to figure this out.
“…Saraphina? You in there?” Cole waved a hand in front of my face.
“Huh?”
“You’re a million miles away,” he said. “What’s going on in there?”
“I… I don’t know if I should talk to you about this.”
“Why not? I’m still your best friend,” he said, plain and simple. “You can tell me anything.”
“But it’s about Ryan,” I said, pausing. “Are you sure you want to hear it?”
“Go ahead, I’m listening,” he smiled, trying to make me feel better. “So, what’s he done now? Asked you to move to the moon with him?”
“He asked me to marry him.”
The second I said it, Cole’s whole face changed. His eyes got big.
“See? You don’t want to hear this. Let’s talk about something else,” I said, shaking my head. Talking about one ex with another ex was probably the worst idea ever.
“No way. You can’t say something like that and then just stop,” he said, shaking his head back at me. “What did you tell him?”
“I told him I didn’t know. That I needed to think about it.”
“Ah. So that’s why you’re sitting under a tree in the cold,” he said, understanding.
“Exactly,” I sighed.
“You know, I’m not that shocked he did it.”
“You’re not?”
“He’s been thinking about it for a long time.”
“How do you know that?”
“About a year ago, right after he came back for you, I saw him at a café. He had a ring with him. It had a blue stone in it. I think he was planning to ask you then.”
“He was?” My mouth fell open. Cole just nodded.
Ryan and I were so in love a year ago. He asked me to leave with him and I said yes. And now I find out he wanted to marry me too. But then he didn’t. He changed his mind.
“Cole, can I ask you something?” I said carefully.
“Obviously,” he said, giving me a look.
“You saw Ryan and me at the cathedral, right? Before I told you who he was. You saw us, but you pretended you didn’t know anything. Why didn’t you say something?”
Cole took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He ran a hand through his hair. “Look, I never got why you liked him so much. The guy is a lot. Just think about it, Saraphina. You fell for the guy who sang Disney songs in the street. Seriously?”
I couldn’t stop the smile. He was right. That’s exactly what happened.
“I didn’t get it back then. But when I saw you with him that day… I had never seen you look like that. So happy.” He looked at me. “That’s when I decided I’d be okay with you being with him. If he makes you happy, then that’s all I want for you.”
I remember that day like it just happened. Ryan took me to that church and told me to believe in love. And then he sang to me.
“He does make me happy,” I admitted. “But is that enough for a marriage? People change. Promises get broken. Love can hurt. Look at us… even we didn’t work out.”
“We didn’t work out because we’re better as friends,” he said, smiling. “And yeah, it hurt like hell, but I don’t regret trying. I have no regrets now. It’s a good way to live. You should try it.”
I thought about that. “But what if… what if I say yes and then Ryan changes his mind? He’s done it before.”
“Saraphina, do you know why he did it back then?”
I shook my head.
“A year ago, when I saw him with that ring… I told him you’d be better off without him.”
“You did what?”
“I told him about your big job offer. That you were giving up everything for him. I think he realized he was asking for too much. He changed his mind. Later, I saw him down at the pier. He was throwing the ring into the water.”
I couldn’t move. I never knew this part of the story. I thought Ryan had doubts about us. I thought he gave up on me.
“Saraphina? Are you angry with me?” Cole asked, his voice quiet. “Please don’t be. I wasn’t trying to be cruel. I was trying to do what was right… You were going to leave your whole future behind for something so uncertain.”
“It’s okay, Cole,” I said, nodding. “I’m not angry. I understand why you did it. I’m thinking about the same things right now.”
As much as that time broke my heart, Cole was just trying to protect me. It’s what I’m trying to do for myself now. Which is why I can’t give Ryan an answer.
“This isn’t about you doubting him, is it?” Cole said suddenly. “It’s about you doubting you. Believing in love scares you.”
His words went straight through me. He was right. I didn’t doubt that Ryan could make me happy. I knew he would. I believed in him. I just didn’t believe in myself.
“I know things have been hard, but you have to stop living in the past, Saraphina. And stop worrying about what might happen tomorrow,” he said, taking my hand. “We don’t know everything. We only have right now. Just focus on that.”
Just focus on what we have right now.
I don’t know why, but my eyes filled with tears. I wanted to cry. Everything he said was true.
I want to be braver than this.
“Cole,” I said softly, trying not to let the tears out. “Thank you.”
Cole smiled a real, bright smile and held my hand tighter. He looked at my face, his head tilted. “Oh, I know that look. That’s your ‘I’ve made up my mind’ look.”
I smiled back. He really did know me better than anyone.
“You’re right, Cole. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” I told him.
“Anytime, Livingston,” he laughed, giving me a little push. “Anytime.”
For a little while, we just sat there, laughing and shoving each other like kids. I felt so grateful he was in my life. I wouldn’t be who I am without him.
“Should we head back in?” he asked, shivering as the wind picked up.
“Sure,” I said, standing up. Then I stopped. “Hey, can I ask you for a favor?”
“Go for it.”
“I can’t leave, but I need something. Can you get it for me?”
Cole looked at me like I’d asked him to rob a bank. “What is it?”
Ryan
I left the hospital and just walked. I walked all over the city for hours. I didn’t stop until the streetlights came on.
Was that enough time? Had I given her enough space?
Somehow, I ended up back at the pier. The exact spot where I threw the first ring into the dark water. I didn’t mean to come here. My feet just brought me.
Life has a funny way of making you go in circles, doesn’t it?
I never thought I’d be back in this city, standing in this same damn spot, holding another ring.
Don’t worry, I’m not throwing this one away.
This ring was my mother’s. My dad kept it all these years. I never thought I’d find someone I wanted to give it to. Until now.
Shit… what if she says no again?
She’s so smart, but sometimes I wish I could quiet that brilliant mind of hers. Every time I ask her to take a risk with me, she